I met B sometime around 2006. She was a beautiful girl — a bit on the plump side, but she had the most amazing green eyes, and a smile that made me shiver. I was a shy boy, so I started romancing her with anonymous messages on Facebook. (At the time, there was an app for that.) It lasted for a few months, and I tried to communicate how I felt — I'm not sure I ever managed it. At some point, after I'd all but blown my cover, I gathered the courage to ask her out. She said no.

I ran into her a few times after that, but then she moved. By that point, the anonymous-messaging app had stopped working. So I lost track of her.

Christmas of 2010, both of my best buddies hooked up with girls, one of whom was B's best friend. I had this huge party planned for New Year's. People from overseas were coming, and staying for the better part of a week. So I was both excited and a little sad to be left single for the holidays. 

Of course, my buddies wanted to invite their girlfriends for New Year's. It happened that B was on her own for New Year's, so my buddy's girlfriend asked me if she could come. I was kind of sore that she hadn't called or written in two years, but I said she could, and a few hours before the party I went to pick her up.

She looked even better than I remembered. We spent most of the evening talking together, and we were the last ones to go to bed. I was amazed at the mere fact that I was going to get what I had tried so hard (and failed so extraordinarily) to get.

Of course, the last bed that was available at the time was an inflatable mattress for one, laid right on the linoleum. My cousin was sleeping by himself across a queen-sized bed, so I went to ask him to move, but B thought he looked so cute sleeping that we ended up falling on the mattress.

I will never in my life forget that friggin' squeaky sound of rubber on rubber, undermining each stroke and drowning out each sigh. It was terrible, terrible sex. The next morning she left, and although I saw her again a few days later and managed to make it up to her, the relationship was doomed from the start. Friggin' squeaky sound.

— Arnaud

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