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How Are We Desperately Alerting People We're Single?
Do you find yourself studying microwave cooking for one with flagging reserves of irony? You're officially a target of "MY Single Bands."
By Johannah King-Slutzky
Are you single? Do you find yourself studying microwave cooking for one with flagging reserves of irony? Have you recently watched Something's Gotta Give and yearned for the days when you, too, will have the color-coordinated love life of a pair of septuagenarians? Could you write a treatise on best lying down laptop positions for single-person viewing? (The key is to take advantage of your MacBook's body-like warmth without sacrificing the screen angle offered by a high vantage point.) If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations, you're officially a target of "MY Single Bands," the new lo-tech trend to alert other singles that you're looking for a date.
According to the MY Bands website, the bracelets will work along the lines of the sadly-defunct 70s era hanky codes. Wearers will be able to subtly alert other potential matches that they're on the market without giving away too strong a whiff of desperation to those not in the know. Each silicone bracelet simply says "MY" (the creator's initials/aggressively materialist mantra) in a white all caps block font and comes in a variety of colors ranging from "Sky" to regular ol' pink.
The website itself comes off as Stepford-ish and manic, with heading tabs like "Revolution" and randomly strewn slogans along the lines of "For Crazy Days And Lazy Days." That's right, these bracelets are Crazy! I'm going to get one tattooed to my cheek with a bolt of lightning a la Gucci Mane's ice cream cone. At only £6 each ($9.29 stateside) they're not as needlessly pricey as sardonic blogger-me might wish.
From the MY Single Bands website. See what I mean by "manic"?
Even so, we all love DIY alternatives, right? Why not simply douse yourself in glitter? The pickup artist community refers to this as peacocking, and it's a surefire hit appropriate for supermarket trawls and casual Fridays at the office alike. Give yourself that modest "I could be baking right now" flair by storing your glitter in a mason jar you tote in your knapsack's cup holder or leather satchel. Gold signifies you're up for bondage play; silver, group sex; and "Sky" means BJs! At three bucks a jar I'll be sporting a rainbow-like glitter spread at work on Monday just so the office knows what's up.
Another alternative: have you considered only wearing shirts that say YOLO? YOLO apparel, which can be transferred onto preexisting garments by way of sharpie or iron-on patch is the ideal for the single man or lady who just wants to let folks know they've never been in an adult relationship and will only send you emails with abbreviation-heavy subject lines like "apols" and valedictions that read, "Sry 4 last nite, ILY." Personally, I'll be safety pinning a YOLO patch to my punk-ready denim jacket as soon as I get home.
Here's a tip I've made use of on occasion: next time you're trying to flirt, casually slip in a reference to the least attractive ways you like to consume food. Deveining shrimp, drinking apple sauce out of cups and carving out whole cucumbers with your teeth are all on the table. Extra points if the edible treat is slimy or phallic. It's a concise, narrative way to proclaim, "I'm insatiable, usually alone, and I know how to use my mouth for pleasure."
Got any better ideas (or horror stories) for how to tell the world you're single? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
Follow Johannah on Twitter @jjjjjjjjohannah