Love & Sex

How Male Sex Toys Made Me a Better Lover

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"And that goes in where?"

I hadn’t known the girl on the bed for very long, only hours really. She was beautiful — deep red hair, a smattering of freckles, a model’s body — and wearing only panties. I stood naked before her bed, the only light in the room coming from the open window. In her hands she held a slender object, black and bent. There was a small bulb on the tip that looked somewhat menacing. She caressed it with her fingertips. 

“And that goes…?” 

“In your ass,” she said. “I’ll put it in there when you — " She grinned and turned shyly away. Given the circumstances, her bashfulness was odd. She didn’t have to say the word. I could think of countless ways to say it: cum, jizz, spray babies, bust a nut, etc. What I couldn’t do was wrap my mind around being ass-rammed by a 23-year-old with what appeared to be a plastic battering ram, no matter how hot she was. 

Let me back up. At the time of the redhead, I was only weeks away from 30. I had spent most of my life in a series of long-term relationships. I’m fairly good-looking. I am not athletic or muscular, but I’m fit. As for my manhood, I’m no Dirk Diggler, but I am a tad larger than average. Everything was good. But I struggled with coming too quickly. 

I genuinely loved my girlfriend and wanted to do all of the right things to take care of her needs. I would try to make up for our all-too-brief bits of intercourse, trying to please her with my hands and mouth. I focused so much on trying to please her and my own poor performance that I didn’t see that the relationship was falling apart.

She left me. She said she’d been cheating, that I didn’t satisfy her sexually. I felt like a physical and emotional failure. I spent some time alone and considered the problem. I started learning about “peaking” or “edging,” where you bring yourself close to climax and then stop, cool down, and then start all over again. I would jerk-off two, three times a day. After a few weeks, I thought I had the problem licked.

When I finally got out into the real world to hook up with a live human being, I lasted an embarrassing 30 seconds. When the crucial moment came, I couldn’t stop or slow down. Lying next to the friend who was kind enough to help me break the dry spell, covered in my own spunk and shame, she tried to console me. 

“Why not try some sex toys?” she said. “They have all kinds that are supposed to feel like the real thing. Maybe that will help?” At that point, I would have done anything. I looked through Amazon (hey, got to take advantage of that Prime membership) for some toys. There were fake pussies that looked like the leavings of an impeccably neat serial killer and plastic tubes with eerily-realistic rubber mouths and female genitals on the business end. It was all very intimidating and I wasn't sure that with these toys I'd be any better off, so I decided to do some research first.

After browsing various adult forums, I heard about the Autoblow 2, a robotic masturbator that supposedly gave the most realistic blow job one can buy — legally, that is. I was skeptical, but eager for anything to help me last longer. I ordered it. 

It was fantastic. The first time I used it, I finished almost as quickly as I did with a woman. That’s when I knew I had finally found the answer for me. 

See before, when I was edging, I was in total control. Which was nice and all, but really didn’t have the real-world application that I was looking for. Using a realistic sex toy that simulated the sensations that I’d feel with a woman allowed me to learn to control my reaction and not the stimulation itself. After only a few weeks of practice, I could delay orgasm much, much longer — even when watching my favorite go-to porn clips (bookmarked in a folder named “Scholarly Articles”).

So after meeting the lovely redhead at a party, I wasn’t worried about shooting too quickly, even if she was the sexiest woman I had ever seen naked. But when she was sitting there in her panties, stroking what I would soon find out was a prostate massager, I worried I had bitten off more than I could chew. 

“Trust me,” she cooed, her smile sexy and sly, “You’re gonna love this.” 

I did. We went for hours. I was able to delay my need for gratification and take it slow or fast where appropriate. Also, I was able to better communicate with her without killing the mood. Being less focused on my performance was like a gift that kept on giving. I was able to stay hard for longer, and using her toys allowed me to continue the experience even during the time between bursts. The prostate massager was still intimidating, but I finally had the confidence to go through with it and try something “crazy.”

The use of toys has definitely given me the ability to be a better and better lover (I've added a few more toys to the mix — a cock ring from Lelo as well as my own prostate massager from Aneros). The Autoblow helped me to not only to last longer, but to also have better control over the timing of ejaculation, while the Aneros prostate massager has opened up a kinkier, more exploratory side.

All of this has led me to a greater confidence in the bedroom, and a willingness to try new things. By being more in control of myself, I can now focus more on my partners, allowing me to discover their preferences. The ability to delay my ejaculation allows for more foreplay, where I can tease my partner and build up the sexual tension, allowing me to take my love-making to the next level. And feeling more comfortable in my own body, gives me a sense of security and sexual empowerment, which are things that a sexual partner can sense instinctively.

I used to think sex toys were for people who didn’t have a real sex life. But actually, sex toys enhance a sex life, as they add to the experience in awesome ways. Sex toys didn’t mark the end of my sex life, but its true beginning. 

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