I Did It For Science: Chinese Herbal Sex Medicines

I would take each sex cure individually, then try my hand at some solo sexual activities to see how my sex drive, and heart rate, was affected.

by jeremy glass

To be honest, I didn’t have a planned destination as I left my air-conditioned apartment for the dense and noisy streets of Chinatown. I didn’t know what to buy or where to buy it. I didn’t even know how to identify what I was looking for: Herbal sex aides? Ancient Chinese penis pills? I just knew I had to traverse the Chinatown streets until I found what I needed.

Hypothesis

I’ll admit I’m not a firm believer in eastern medicine. I’ve tried Tai Chi, had acupuncture, and drank countless cups of specialized tea for the plethora of health problems I suffered from as a child. While each method would fill me with hope, I found that my issues remained regardless of how many herbs and pills I ingested.

As far as virility goes, I would say my sex drive is that of a rabbit. Not a fully grown male rabbit, maybe something more along the lines of a newborn rabbit. So I have the sex drive of a baby rabbit. It’s normal. A solid six. I felt, because of my sexual neutrality, that the Chinese herbs and supplements I bought would have a noticeable effect on me. I wasn’t expecting to turn into the Jackie Chan of romance (in the sense that my sexing skills would match his martial arts skills), but I had high hopes.

Believer in eastern medicine or not, I still judge a book by its cover and these very scientific looking pills seemed like they could really do a number on my hot bod. I would take each sex cure individually, then try my hand at some solo sexual activities to see how my sex drive, and heart rate, was affected.

Materials

Romantic High

China Mong Num

"Little Black Pill"

Method

To make sure I was getting the full effect, I doubled the suggested quantity of every supplement I bought. Strictly going against the advice from those on Google and Yahoo Answers, I spent a couple of days swallowing pills, brewing tea, and recording the results. Generally, I would take the herb, lock myself in the room, see if I felt like masturbating, and write down how I felt.

Observations

"Little Black Pill"

Okay, so if you frequent porn shops and bodegas as I often as I do, you’ll notice a large variety of Chinese pills next to the condoms/pregnancy test section. The package often has two strangely muscular people mid-coitus. One of the people looks shockingly like Chun-Li from Street Fighter. This pill, so I was told by the kind old man who sold it to me, was the strongest thing they had. I Googled this pill (which was hard, as the package was entirely in Chinese) and found a slew of reviews. Some said it was effective, some said it wasn't, and some said it caused strokes. Throwing caution to the wind, I opened up the package and washed down the pill with a glass of Diet Coke. The first twenty minutes were quiet. No erection, no elevated heart rate, nothing. It was soon after, at exactly minute twenty-one, that the horrifying effects of this little black pill began to take hold. What began was the sweat. A consistent cold sweat coupled with a flash of heat that went through my body as I sat motionless in front of my computer screen. I thought this increase in body heat was odd, as my air conditioning was on full blast. Over the next two hours, I felt a spike in my energy that could only be labeled as unsettling. Though, I was so detached from my body that my penis could have melted into a puddle on the ground and I wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow.

I was amped up and manic and my thoughts were running a thousand miles an hour. It became uncomfortable how simultaneously tired and energetic the pill made me. Soon I bordered on a full-blown panic attack, thinking the effects of this pill would never wear off. Would I ever feel normal again? I could fully understand why these types of pills cause heart attacks -- it felt like my ticker was going to explode out my chest like the alien from--wait for it--Alien

The little black pill did, in fact, do a number on my junk and I felt completely compelled to beat off until my palms were raw. The problem was that my brain was too hot-wired and riddled with Chinese-pills-induced ADD to properly concentrate on a much-needed orgasm. I must’ve watched porn for five hours, maniacally clicking through every scene and genre until I couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped in the shower, popped open a few beers, and cooled off my aching head. Once the beer hit my system, I stopped sweating, took control over my brain, and delivered a weak orgasm that, if given to a woman, would have produced a really shitty looking kid.

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