Love & Sex

I Did It For Science: Aneros

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I Did It For Science by Grant Stoddard

To achieve orgasm via the Aneros massager.

State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

I’m an absolute beginner when it comes to bum play — and a little squeamish, to say the least. But according to the makers of the Aneros massager, the ultimate orgasm is to be found back there. At the very least, this experiment will either prove or refute my friends’ claims that I’m a tight-ass.

Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).

Aneros massager (one)
Astroglide lubricant (25ml)

In this portion of your report, you must describe step-by-step what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and re-create the same lab.

I’ve been dreading Project Aneros for months. It’s been looming dark on the horizon ever since Ross and Brian put the thumb-shaped piece of white plastic on my desk with a note saying, “Guess where this goes.” Up until now, no foreign (or domestic) object has been shoved up my bum, and I was quite happy to stick with the status quo.

The Mongoose and I, while still very much together, have decided to move out of our shared apartment and onto opposite banks of the East River for the good of our relationship. My new living situation — and the oodles of “me” time it provided — meant that now was as good a time as any to give Aneros a test drive.

Aneros is a “male G-spot stimulator” that works by massaging the prostate, perineum and anal sphincter simultaneously. The intended result: “dream orgasm.” The company’s literature states that users can expect:

  • Extra sensitivity of penis, individual hair shafts, inner thighs, and nipples
  • Prickly but pleasurable sensations upon the penis bulb, shaft, and glans
  • Prickly sensations on the surface of the prostate
  • Extra pleasurable sensation deep within the prostate and perineum acupressure point
  • Warm sensation within the anal canal

I’m always skeptical about products that make these wild claims, but if I’ve learned anything from two wasted gym memberships and a dormant Ab Roller, it’s that you only get out of these things what you put in — the phrase taking on a more literal meaning in this case. The company had already sent two samples of their product to our office, but both mysteriously disappeared from my desk. After a reluctant request for a replacement, Aneros kindly obliged, and sent along a smaller prototype intended for greener arse-ticklers like yours truly. (It’s about the size of a large man’s thumb, rounded at the tip and tapered at the base.) Intending to follow the complex instructions to the letter, I lay on my side, lubed up the smaller of the two massagers and began to explore virgin territory.

Quantify the effects of the experiment.

Getting it in’s the hard part. It felt like going to the bathroom — backwards. I’m sure that feeling of No. 2-ing in reverse can be gotten used to — but can one actually enjoy it?

“When the Aneros massager is fully drawn into the anus, you will initially feel the pressure of the foreign object. For best results, wait 10 to 20 minutes. The prostate will accommodate the Aneros massager and the foreign sensation will begin to alleviate.”

This is actually key. After several minutes, the unwanted-guest feeling slowly subsided and, heck, it actually felt pretty good in there. I read the directions during said waiting period, slightly yet pleasantly aware of the massager’s presence.

But after awhile, I lost patience with the instruction manual — which read like an unabridged copy of the Talmud — and I decided to go with my instincts and what I’d gleaned from the web site. The idea is that with some practice, you can reach orgasm just by squeezing your sphincter, without even touching your penis.

After about ten minutes of serious squeezing, I was totally tuckered out and starting to feel a bit silly, what with the toy’s handle protruding like an albino ram’s horn from between my cheeks. I admitted defeat and rolled onto my back to bang one out in the old-school fashion. Lying on my back must have shifted the position of the toy, because I almost dropped sauce immediately and had to concentrate hard not to. When I came shortly thereafter, the feeling was much more intense than normal. It started as kind of a strong pulsing, originating from my perineum and traveling up the shaft of my old chap. I started to wonder what was achievable if I weren’t so slapdash about the whole thing. A friend of the Mongoose once told me that anal sex was “okay” — apart from the dismount. “It’s like a really fun house party,” she explained. “But then everybody leaves all at once, and you’re left alone, like, ‘Where’d everybody go?’” As I removed the Aneros, this made total sense. I felt vulnerable, delicate, a little light-headed and empty. I looked down at the massager and was relieved to see that it was clean as a whistle. I think that’s typical. Otherwise, why would they make them in white?

Summarize your findings. Don’t forget to attempt to identify possible variables that could result in different findings for others trying to re-create your test results.

Despite this being my most-feared assignment thus far, it was ultimately the only one I’d revisit on my own time. (If only I could be knocked out for the insertion and removal.) Stripping was a fun experience, but injaculation, cock rings, and kissing a man didn’t bear the fruits of this four-inch piece of plastic. However, let it be noted that Aneros is a masturbatory commitment, not something that can be accomodated during a commercial break. Private time, lube and concentration are an absolute must — and required in large quantities. Perhaps the most important prerequisite is a sense of humor: dare I say that I give it a thumbs-up?

© 2002 Grant Stoddard and Nerve.com, Inc.