Experiment: To attempt to have affairs with married women via AshleyMadison.com. (Hey, back off — they're clearly not getting the good stuff at home!)

Hypothesis: There are married women out there; they want me; I want them, and Ashley Madison will bring us together for illicit amoral roistering.

• Sense of guilt, shelved
• Loyalty to my fellow men, abandoned
• Ashley Madison account
• Wedded women

Background and a disclaimer: by nature I'm a one-woman man. Yes, right now I'm actually in an open relationship, but whenever I've been in something serious and monogamous, I didn't have any problems staying true. That said, I'm not a hardliner about other people cheating, especially if the cheater in question isn't getting any loving from their partner but can't leave him or her for economic reasons or because of the kids or for a number of other legitimate factors. Under those circumstances, I feel that the under-attentive spouse might well be getting what he or she deserves.

What I often wonder about, however, is why someone who wants an actual relationship starts things off with a married person. Aren't relationships hard enough without adding that complication to things? And how comforting can it be that your new friend is willing to run around on his or her spouse, lying all the while? To me, if you're going to be with a married person, it should just be light and playful, an adventurous physical thing, not something you're taking seriously.

And because I'm in an open relationship with a woman who actually lives with her other boyfriend (who knows all about me — long story), seeing a married person would be pretty much the ideal arrangement. I'm extremely happy with my girlfriend and not going anywhere, I just need to keep things symbolically even by stepping out on the side while she's with boyfriend #1. And I know I'm not going to be able to provide anyone else a whole lot of emotional engagement, so I want their expectations low.

Isn't everyone entitled to a little affection?

Single women often tell me they understand where I'm coming from (your basic emotionally unavailable asshole, right?), but my experience is that it can be hard to keep things sufficiently un-serious. With a married woman, there might be a much better chance, so Ashley Madison, here I come!

Method: For those of you who don't already know, AshleyMadison.com is a personals website for married people or those who want to get with married people. Their motto — "Life is short. Have an affair" — is perhaps overly glib, but, again, if you're suffering through a loveless, sexless marriage and can't get out of it, I think I have to agree. Isn't everyone entitled to a little affection?

Compared to the interminable eHarmony profile process, filling out my Ashley Madison page felt like going through the EZ Pass lane. Actually, it felt like trying to pick someone up in the EZ Pass lane, since you don't get to reveal a whole hell of a lot about yourself or find out much about them. You pretty much only get to put up photos (which, if you're married, you might well be discouraged to do), give your vitals (which everyone seems to lie about), fill in boxes for what kind of interaction you're after (there were far too many people listing just "cyber chat"), as well as the kinds of fooling around you like (there's "light, kinky fun" but no "heavy, Rick James enslavement," sadly) and some activities that you'd enjoy doing (fine dining, sure, but sailing? How much time will we have?). Granted, they let you add a line at the end for each section, but it's still pretty superficial. (Oh, but wait, I'm looking for superficial encounters — I guess that's okay!)

I filled out my profile, rounding my height up an inch to six feet even (I figured anyone who puts 5'11" is likely to look like Danny DeVito). I was honest about my weight and age (north of thirty-five but south of 175). I said I was looking for "anything goes" (anything?), and listed myself as single, as there was no box for the rather particular nature of my romantic life. (Though I'm surprised they didn't have an "It's complicated" box for people going through divorce, engaged but wondering, etc. Here of all places I thought they'd be sensitive to the range of situations.)

I clicked enter, took my moral temperature (turpitude), and looked myself in the mirror. Was this the face of a home-wrecker?

Commentarium (86 Comments)

Sep 09 09 - 12:31pm

Well, I had always wondered what that would be like. Thanks for doing that for me. Check one off the list.

Sep 10 09 - 12:46am

"Our libraries don't overlap, but that's okay". Love it!

Sep 09 09 - 1:14pm

funny, i am a serial match.com dater, but i don't think i could do this. i do not say that judgmentally.

Sep 09 09 - 1:51pm

How depressing it all sounds.

Sep 09 09 - 2:43pm

I like to think of myself as open-minded, but agree with LF: I just don't understand cheating. It's like, if you're that unhappy - break up, divorce, etc. But this is an interesting look into a whole other world...

Oct 17 11 - 6:25pm

Some people can't just get out of their marriage without destroying the other person. In my case I have a W who has mental issues, family issues, raped when she was 14. She has dyslexia and pretty much can not hold down a job let alone make any money to survive. If I were to throw her out - she would probably end up in the street or dead. Heartless vs Cheater? I have to weigh the two and see what I can live with. Knowing I destroyed someone's life - someone that can't function in society is a lot more damaging to my heart and soul then finding someone to have an affair with. I have excelled in everything I have done. Paid off all my debt @ 36, provided a great home for my wife. Done this will very little compassion or affection in return. Life is too short...

Nov 06 11 - 11:04am

I agree....I'd have an affair with you....and yes I'm married on AM

Aug 26 12 - 9:35pm

I totally agree with the response about not destroying the other person. In a black & white world all wrapped up in a pink bow, the world is so simple that if you don't love someone, you leave. I'm absolutely in a relationship where my spouse would be destroyed if I left her. Because of her problems, I simply have zero attraction for her beyond that of a friend. We have a family, so a divorce would destroy her and split up the family. I've provided a good home, with love, and patience, and compassion. I want to be happy without destroying them. Consequently, I have a discreet affair. Heartless?

Sep 09 09 - 6:33pm

Sounds like fun. I enjoy my open marriage as does my wife, though we're too busy most of the time now. To the anti-cheaters: why pretend that marriage is a sentence to little-or-no sex? For most of us marriage is about loving and nurturing. Often sex works much better with other partners (it does with us and our other partners). It means I have a great marriage and a great sex life--and I give my wife the credit.

I admire Ashley Madison for making that possible for others.

Sep 09 09 - 6:50pm

I definitely agree with JS, dealing with other peoples perceptions of open relationships is a huge difficulty. It's amazing how offended people can be by something that shouldn't affect them anyway.

Sep 09 09 - 6:56pm

to reply to PFabove, I completely admire your situation and think it's great.. but you say that your marriage is open, so it's not "cheating". Cheating is very upsetting to a lot of peple for the betrayal of trust and the lying. I've found that when it's jus about the "actual" sex, people get much less upset.

Sep 09 09 - 10:49pm

@kel: If only it were always so simple. I have four children by my wife of 15 years. She's not perfect, and neither am I. But even though the thrill is largely gone, she's a decent person and a good mother. What she isn't is sexually engaged, and over the years that's become a bigger and bigger problem. Should I leave her over that? Abandon my children? Leave them and her destitute? If anyone's looking for a definition of betrayal, that would be a pretty good one. One the other hand, am I supposed to just abandon any hope of sexual satisfaction? "Sorry, your erotic life is infrequent and dull...tough shit." Is that what nice guys get...fantasy and the hand, and that's it? I haven't had an affair, and I don't have an AshleyMadison account, but I can't say I haven't thought about it.

Apr 08 12 - 3:03pm

Y ou all make ur wives sound like retards

Sep 11 09 - 12:24am

That was pretty damn good writing.

Sep 10 09 - 1:12pm

@ SM. I guess I just can't relate, but I'm only 24. Maybe I've watched too many Disney movies, but I would hope sex exists within marriage?? Ack!

Sep 10 09 - 2:22pm

Hate to burst Kel's bubble some more - but sometimes even if there is sex in the marriage ... it's not enough. Good story - I had put my profile up on a local kinksters website (with full disclosure that I am married) and got many intriguing replies - but, in the end, I chickened out and deleted my profile. And so it goes....

Sep 10 09 - 3:48pm

I agree with you that it's a great option for open marriages and relationships, but here's where I think the "trapped in a loveless relationship" is a total cop-out: did you (not Mr. Harrison specifically, but the universal, cheating you) ever talk to you spouse about the lack of sex and romance in the relationship? I feel like too often we're a society of convenience and if you're not satisfied in your current relationship, instead of taking the grown-up path, you take the path of least resistance. Maybe your wife/husband is also feeling neglected, maybe s/he too feelz "trapped", and maybe s/he too is just waiting for the kids to grow up so you can divorce already. Affairs can be perfectly healthy for all involved, but I think playing the victim seeking love through a secret meetup behind your spouce's back is cowardly, and honestly says more about your inability to be honest about your needs than it does the spouce's ability to satisfy in bed.

Sep 10 09 - 6:06pm

So much bad karma is coming your way, I hope you realize this. What goes around comes around. You can explain it away all you want but it doesn't make it right and I'm sure you know that. The women were just as wrong as you but just because they were willing doesn't make it okay. You are a sad person indeed.

Oct 01 11 - 5:24am

I'm curious JA as to how you found this page? Were you looking for an affair?

Sep 10 09 - 6:31pm

Yeah, Ashley Madison is for people who have admitted to themselves that their marriage isn't working but are too chickenshit to actually do something about it--whether "something" means trying to work it out or divorcing. Sorry, but adultery hurts people and there's really no excuse for it.

Sep 10 09 - 6:55pm

ahh, THERE are those high horses i was waiting for

Jul 26 12 - 2:35am

I've been in the dating/social website development business for almost 15 years. My company has built over 70 of those sites since 1997. In most cases we are involved in planing, designing, developing, maintaining and advertising of the websites for our clients. My point is that by now I can very easily tell how scammy a website is by creating an account and spending a few minutes on the site using using our custom load testing software. So I did with AshleyMadison. I must say that AM turns out to be one of the most dishonest sites I came across so far. I closely analyzed their search results for various search criteria combinations and it appears that this site is saturated with fake profiles. I can not revile the methods of the analysis (trade secret), but there are numerous obvious indicators or even concrete evidences of those profiles being fake. Also their system seems to be rather primitive and lacks most useful features available for nearly a decade on other dating websites. The reason this site became so popular is their very aggressive and dishonest advertising strategy. This company invested most of their budget into advertising rather than good technology and useful features. All their claims of being the America's #1 adult dating site is one big lie. In my opinion they are one of the worst, dishonest and the most expensive. Also their claim of guaranteed affair if you buy their $250 means that your email account will be bombarded with massages from escort services posing as their members. Stay away from AM! All you will get is an empty wallet, wasted time and frustration. You are more likely to find an affair by going to the gym, beach or a bar. Cheers! -- Ed

Sep 10 09 - 7:01pm

I was really dreading your story, but like a car crash, wanted to read it anyways. I understand how the crash happened, but still wish someone would have prevented it. I understand how it fits into your lifestyle, but really dread the pain that the others involved may inflict with the breach of trust. I do however commend your honesty in this situation. The website, and it's target audience is upsetting, but might be of use finding other open couples if we decide to finally open up our bed.
-30 something, 7-years married, almost sexually satisfied (there are some medial issues we are working on fixing that should help this).

Sep 10 09 - 8:08pm

Well said, JAB.

Sep 10 09 - 8:45pm

I had a great experience with Ashley Madison, found a lover who was the best I'd ever had.
I'm married, with a hubby who actually wants me to step out (He vetted the guys when I started looking) I know how rare that is, bur i was faithful and enjoyed our sex life for years. Only recently has Hubby lost interest in sex, for all sorts of reasons, and I feel really fortunate that I am able to have a lover. To the people who think it will never happen to them or that cheating is always bad, life changes, and you can't know how. It is definitely better to not destroy a marriage and a life just so one part of the couple can be sexually fulfilled. My lover was married with 2 kids, and wife was just not interested. I think she eventually figured it out and realized it was better to let sleeping dogs lie, since it affected her lifestyle not at all.

Sep 11 09 - 6:42am

It's nice to pretend that honorable people just get divorced and that's that, but have any of you actually been through one where the ex will punish you mercilessly for 2-3 years, send people to try and kill you, and spread slander to damage your reputation because you had the nerve to leave their sorry asses? That happened to me when I tried to go the honorable route, and 5 years later still deal with the horrendous aftermath of that psychopathic bitch. Maybe cheating would have been an easier option...high horses indeed. Until you've survived domestic violence - mental or physical - you have no clue what it's like to try and leave such a situation.

Sep 11 09 - 9:51am

It's more and more alarming how judgmental a society we've become. Comments like JA's and MW's are of a piece with the hardened political debate going on in the USA for far too long now. "No, don't bother me with troublesome details like the myriad complications of other folks' marriages, it's obvious and absolute that every person's relationship should be identical to my own, thereby justifying my comfortable views and invalidating those of anyone who sees things a bit differently." We cannot keep dissing others because they don't think the way we do. It's wrecking the body politic in America. Please let's not let it extend to topics like this one.

Sep 11 09 - 10:09am

honestly, america as a culture has so many hang-ups about sex. you want to sleep with one other person outside your marriage? DIVORCE! STAY AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. egads.

Sep 11 09 - 10:11am

KEL - Just to keep hope alive, I've been married for almost 20 years and our sex life is better than it's ever been. We married and had children very young by modern standards and although there have been periods of difficulty, I think we grew up together and realized that all the nonsense that gets in the way is meaningless. So yes Virginia, there is ex after marriage. What I found disquieting about the article is not that there are people seeking sexual satisfaction outside their marriage, that is understandable, but that several of the subjects were really looking for an emotional connection or partner. That is the kind of "cheating" that really inflicts damage on the spouse left behind. If my wife told me she wanted to have a fling to spice up her sex life that would be entirely different and less damaging than a long term affair based on the need for an emotional connection.

Sep 11 09 - 10:48am

@ SG - thanks! So informative and thoughtful.

Sep 12 09 - 12:50pm

The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?

Sep 12 09 - 12:59pm

The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?

Sep 12 09 - 2:54am

A well-written story, and lots of thoughtful comments, in particular those of JS, PF, SM, JAB, ab and JM. And a few judgmental ones too...
I had a great relationship that ended when I told my gf that I had been communicating with someone 1500 miles away. I had never met the "other woman", no cybersex, a little flirting perhaps but 98% discussions of common interests like music, psychology, tango, etc. My gf called this "emotional intimacy". I googled the term to try to better understand the concept, and one byproduct of that reading was the statement that a woman will often forgive a physical connection outside the relationship, i.e. a one-night stand, but really sees the emotional intimacy as much more threatening. Sadly it was the end of my great relationship--she couldn't deal with it or forgive me. I am still friends with the distant woman, but we never developed a significant "relationship" for a variety of reasons.
We really have a long way to go as a society in accepting the polyamorous relationships of others without judging them so harshly. Maybe the rights of polyamorists will some day be recognized, just as the rights of LGBT folks are today (somewhat) but like one person commented, dare bring it up in conversation and you risk freaking out whomever you're talking to. Open relationships and polyamory have their own challenges, and I respect those that venture down that path in good faith.
In my town of 150,000 I doubt that there would be a significant presence of Ashley Madison subscribers, and I'd prefer a monogamous relationship right now, so I will pass.
Cheers-- gitango on Nerve

Sep 12 09 - 7:34am

"I'd hand her a drink that she wouldn't have time to sip, and we'd be horizontal. An hour and a half later, she'd fix her hair, complain about her scraped face, and dress to go home."

An hour and a half later? Yeah, right. :-)

Sep 12 09 - 8:00am

This is awesome! I love how very polarizing this topic is. Whether you agree or disagree, this is good conversation.

Sep 12 09 - 2:41pm

" I just need to keep things symbolically even" - wtf?

Sep 12 09 - 11:06pm

Fantastic. I love the evolution of humans and their constant drive to improve themselves regardless of puritanical social standards!

Sep 13 09 - 2:22am

> [ If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, ..they deserve the chance to do something about that? ]
And if they keep declining the invitation? And they don't want to talk about your needs because "it makes them feel pressured"? And they can't allow an affair because it goes against their notions of how life should be? And if they care more about "the rules" they known than your happiness or satisfaction?

Sep 15 09 - 11:39am

Good story and a very good advertisement. I am of the opinion however that this particular experience is fictional. Created to promote the the site.

Sep 17 09 - 11:23am

It is interesting reading some of the comments here about fidelity. I wonder though is better to have a 20 year relationships where you have 2 or 3 affairs. Or is it better morally to have 10 different relationships over a 20 year period. I am not so sure those who take the moral high ground by immediately ending a relationship when they want something new are that much better than those who remain in a stable long term relationship but occassionally step out. I think it is very easy to throw stones from your glass house....just sayin....

Sep 17 09 - 6:48pm

Dearest RG - honestly an hour and a half was on a bad day!

Dearest faux "gina" if you were actually there you would be Jack himself trying to encourage more comments. Are you Michelle, Loretta, or Jennifer? 2 have commented already.

Gina the Incredible

Sep 20 09 - 11:38am

It is the nature of the young to be cruel in their judgments, because they have not yet experienced the ways in which life humbles us -- and this is true even for those who realize most of their dreams. Marriage is complicated and imperfect, and the idea that families should be torn in two because of desire for an at least somewhat gratifying sex life is one of the most destructive American ideas of the last half-century.

Sep 21 09 - 8:48am

GA - go tend to your face bruises. You should be embarrased. But nobody more so than Jack.

Sep 21 09 - 8:54am

who is this Jack Harrison clown? I hope all these 'players' knew they were being written about. Something tells me not. This is crappy journalism.

Sep 21 09 - 8:59am

To GA - if you were that incredible - you would find men to be with that would not need to write about you. Pathetic one would say.

Sep 21 09 - 9:45am

How is it possible that my comments would be deleted? Convenient I guess. Seems like Jack has his way with freedom of expression. Come on Nerve!

Sep 24 09 - 1:47am

seems like the "writer" isn't capable of relating to women as anything more than toys in his pathetic ego trip. Perhaps a blow up doll would be a better choice for him.

Oct 12 09 - 6:41pm

THE GREAT CO-MINGLING! (TGCM) The rest of the story: A 20 yr marriage - One that includes annual conversations of desiring a better sex life but is entrapped in the typical history of a monogamous with children relationship. Those of us involved in TGCM relationships find the high road of ending a relationship due to unfulfilled sexual need an even a lower road to the dreary one-handed monogamy. Even men know it is not all about the sex.

Nov 17 09 - 9:24pm

I am one of the women who has used the Ashley Madison service. It's a shame that so many people are quick to judge. Just wait until life throws you a curveball. After 6 years of complete celibacy, trying hard to be the monogamous, faithful wife, the thought of intimacy began to creep into my skull, especially while I slept. Each day I would take a bath before work and cry in the tub; mourning the loss of the affection and tenderness we once had. Middle aged, in charge of caring for my husband who could not work, the affair I found through Ashley Madison made it possible for me to endure what my life had become. You can judge if you want to but it isn't always so easy to leave. It seemed kinder to continue working to support my husband while filling my emotional and physical needs elsewhere. If I had left him, he would have been living on welfare and having a difficult time caring for himself. I don't care what anyone says, I did the right thing. As for the man I found there, his life almost mirrored mine. A wife with a mental disorder, 5 children to raise, dreaming about a life that includes intimacy. We found comfort and friendship and were reminded that we are still living, breathing, fully functioning individuals.

Nov 23 09 - 12:11am

"Still, I know she's going to make someone very happy."

It's as though he told her he was writing a story and wanted to give a shout out. Good read.

Jan 20 10 - 3:32pm

Until you find yourself in a situation where there's no love, affection, sex, and there's still children to raise....this idea would not have come to mind. Lonliness is a killer, and life's hard enough and too short for it!

Feb 20 10 - 1:52am

Primal. Sub-Social. Candid. Sincere. Fair. Well delivered piece. Thanks for writing this.

Mar 03 10 - 1:29pm

It's odd that so many of the high horse riders think that we go dashing off to Ashley Madison the minute our spouses say "no".
I've worked at it for 9 years. I've whipped myself into perfect physical condition, I keep myself looking good. I am attentive, helpful. I've gone to counselling, I've tried to get her to go to counselling. I've tried everything I can think of. She still loves me, but she doesn't ever want to have sex again. She gets upset if I just go to a strip club or look at porn.

We have disabled children who are hard enough to raise with both of us working at it. Our children will depend on us until we die, after which they will die. Their lives and ours would be hell if we split up.

So I can consign myself to misery, abandon my wife and children to misery or have an affair. Sorry bub, I'm not going to live my life just so you can pretend that morality is a simple thing that you learned in church.

Jun 24 10 - 5:51am
dinghy sailer

nice, but would like to hear how it works for somebody
that does not live in NYC
you know
life is not quite the same in Sandusky Ohio, or Goat Head, Tenn

thank you
dit dit

Jul 20 10 - 5:13am

im not into AshleyMadison its completly horrible!. i really dont like the idea of this. if you saw Tyras show on Ashley Madison and how broken hearted people get from it you might change your minds.. if your marrige doesnt work out. divorce? before it gets worse aye. mean no haarm i just dont understand why people marry and comit to eachother then do stupid stuff like this :S

Aug 05 10 - 6:08pm
Big Chrissy

This shit is dead wrong. Morality has left the building.

Aug 13 10 - 2:34am

I've been the other spouse - the one left behind for an affair. Though it it was partially my fault, the lack of communication from my spouse could have saved us. From one of the worst times in our entire lives. We're still feeling the wounds from the infidelity. The trust may never fully come back. For those of you about to cheat, please think about the potential damage you may cause, even if you think you can get away with it.

Aug 19 10 - 6:08pm

Joe- Sounds like you need to throw the pipe around a little better.

Sep 14 10 - 12:35am

I agree, we are all entitle to a little affection and if we can't get it at home, well.....

Sep 25 10 - 12:35am

I have had great luck on the site. I totally lie about my age and am very upfront about what I want. A lot of the guys want to date me, but I don't have time. I met a fantastic man who took me to places I never thought possible. We were totally in tune but he was your achetype bad boy, broke it off because, well, AM is a smorgasbord, let's face it. So many options for both sexes that one is always looking to trade up, I guess. I am back on with a new profile, new name, new photo. I am absolutely struggling with trying not to fall in love, but it's hard. I get all loved up and project my stuff onto a man. Sigh. I think it's a fantastic site though, perfect for marrieds. Suits my desire for sex with strangers who appreciate my ravaging sexuality, something hubby ignores.

Oct 01 10 - 9:53pm

Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!

Oct 27 10 - 5:45am

You must be the luckiest man on the internet and one of the few men ever to actually have an affair via Ashley Madison. With a male/female ratio of less than 10:1 (this has been proven - disregard the company's lies) and many of the 'women' being Ashley Madison's own fake 'online hosts', the chance of most guys hooking up are virtually nil. Guys if you do insist on cheating, pay for it or get a blow up doll, at least you'll actually get something for your money! Ashley Madison is a scam pure and simple.

Dec 20 10 - 5:09am

Its not the sex that I miss, It's the kissing. The touching. The intimacy. I have laid awake at night...in "my room"...crying...wishing that she would only show me the same affection she shows our dog. We never kiss, now we barely talk. My son at 4 has such an understanding of 'family" that I would stay rather then go. I miss the scent of her skin, the brush of her hair. It wasn't my doing. We just went from "Sex only with the lights off. to NO sex. To her lounging around for days in the same PJ's she has had on since Monday? When did it all go so wrong? I would love an affair. One just to full fill the void in my soul. One that would make me fill human again. One that would again remind me that I AM a handsome man, I AM a good lover, I AM a person that someone needs...not just a person that someone needs to pay the bills! So go Fu@$ yourself and your morality. Religion... I was an abused alter boy. Hope... there is no hope. I will never leave that little boy. I would rather feel my heart die a little everyday then be told that I can only see my son (my best little buddy and the reason I still breath the air and walk the earth) one day a week and every other weekend. Divorce is not an option. Infidelity IS !!!


Feb 16 11 - 11:33pm
pierced heart

Right on pghdh! I feel your pain. I made a big mistake by marring to quickly. I thought I will get better.. then our beautiful twins. I love then dearly. they are now teens. the marriage has just stalled and die over the years. she is a friggin ice queen. so I check out some porn, just to fantasize that someone wants to give and receive affection . The wife finds out and goes crazy and physically attaches me! That was it. I wasn't going to leave my kids. They need me. but they are older and I told her we are done and I', preparing to leave. I just couldn't take the emotional battering of indifference anymore so I signed up on Ashley madison. I hope to god there is someone on there I can met and just enjoy the moment. many people are very quick to judge, especially the man. Oh,others say your wife is so pleasant....@!f88#, I feel like saying. Real damage is done by someone who disengages from you and then messes with your mind.

Feb 08 11 - 11:14pm
Serial Kaitlin

hi man wazzup? I just wanted to say that my internet explorer is freezing when I try double click on the pics… are you using some non standard scripts or something?

Feb 18 11 - 3:14am

hahahaha! That is classic point of view.

Feb 18 11 - 9:38am

Wow and wow!

Feb 18 11 - 2:51pm

That's very thought-provoking point of view. I intend to return to this site very soon.

Jul 31 11 - 12:09pm

Been on and of Ash Mad for Years. Made many friends and close lovers and now just friends. 2 years ago (counting) met the love of my life. I am separated and he is married... and I am fine with it. We are totally exclusive and joyful together. It took time to find the right guy but with an effort sometimes it can work. I care for his wife she is ill and can't give him what he needs. I don't want to hurt her, or him, but we both deserve a bit of happiness before all the lights go out.

Aug 01 11 - 3:08pm

I know divorce sucks because I've had one. I get that the "easy" thing to do is cheat on the side, but I stuck to my morals and pushed which eventually led to divorce. Maybe I'm lucky that we got out before we started to hate each other, and we were both adult enough to work things out to keep the trauma to our children to a minimum. For me, I could not accept living in an empty marriage just for appearances. I also wanted a real relationship, and no matter what anyone says, an affair is NOT a real relationship. If I cannot hold my lovers hand in public, it isn't real for me.

So yes, I feel that if your marriage is this bad and every attempt to fix it has failed, get the divorce. If you are both adults about it, it is possible to split without destroying lives in the process.

Aug 03 11 - 3:49pm

I have had experiences with AM and I do feel sorry for the guys. It's much easier for women to meet up then the men. However, it does work. I've been with a few different men and have had wonderful experiences. Many believe that I am one of those that are too good to be true on my profile. I'm in my 30's and take very good care of myself. I have nice pics. Not all of us on there are fake and a scam. I have a desire for sex that my husband can't keep up with. I also feel that perhaps I was too quick to marry him and we have never truly been sexually compatible. He and I want different things. I'm a very sensual and passionate person. He harldy knows what the word foreplay is and for years extremely selfish in bed. Why could he always have an orgasm and I was always denyed, even after telling him things need to change. Telling him what I need and want. He just shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. I have spent several times in the bathroom crying because I was getting none of my needs met. He is a great man in every other way. We have a good marriage and beautiful kids. He is my best friend. I would never want to replace him, I just need the kind of affection that he can't seem or wants to give me. I went to AM after a lot of thinking and after 4 years of desiring someone who can't wait to have me. I used to be one of those moral, judemental people who saw things in black and white...life isn't black and white, I've learned. No one knows what they are capable of until they are put in a particular situation. I understand affairs now and how they can happen. Yes, there are those few who are just asses and cheat just to cheat but there are others who just need some needs met...don't judge until you've walked in someone elses shoes...I've learned that the hard way.

Aug 28 11 - 7:42pm

seriously, you're a slut and a worthless mother. One day you'll get what's yours. wht goes around comes around!

Nov 07 11 - 10:32pm

Did you even read what I wrote? Yes, what comes around goes around and someone as hateful as you will get yours as well...

Nov 07 11 - 10:37pm

I'm a slut because I want affection that after practically begging for isn't reciprocated? How is that fair to me? I didn't sign up for a marriage where my husband only cares for his own needs. I stay because I love my kids (and they are well cared for) and I love him but the thought of going through the rest of my life without sex isn't something that I can do and I've tried...for over 13 years.

Nov 10 11 - 5:27pm

Cara, you go girl! I love my gf to death and we do have good sex. She just has less of an initiating/ravaging style than I do .. I am considering trying AM, and i've been the side-boy of several married women over the years. One i fell totally in love with when i was about 25. Big mistake. But now that I'm older (31), I totally totally understand where these women, like you, are coming from. I have a couple "f buddys" i still hook up with here and there, but for them, they are just having fun with me while they wait for the right guy to come around. I'd rather spend my play time with someone who is married or in a serious relationship and who is mature enough to respect the rules. Don't let anyone call you names or pretend they are better than you! You are doing the right thing for your entire family, although most people can not possibly put themselves in your shoes. I wish you lived in my city!

Nov 16 11 - 7:11pm

Thank JAH. I must admit having someone write what Mee did was a shock for me. To be called a slut because my husband will not provide me with physical attention is awful. But then Mee is probably one of those uptight people who don't even like sex. I've gone into this in a very thoughtful and serious way. I have not harmed my family. Infact, things are much calmer and good at my home now that have some some happiness. I'm not constantly miserable all the time anymore and I don't get on AM and just have a ton of one night stands. I see one person and I've made many friends who I will never see physically but its nice that we can share what we've gone through. Life isn't easy and simple but I'm not here to just suffer (which I've done for a very long time) I deserve to have someone make me feel like I matter...make me feel like an individual instead of just a maid, cook, taxi driver and housekeeper.

Jan 14 12 - 12:05am

Serious question here. Is your husband a wham bam thank you ma'am guy?
Does he last long? Please answer and I will tell you. Why?

Aug 10 11 - 12:47pm

it doesnt work

Aug 23 11 - 7:44am

I really liked the article, and the very cool blog

Oct 10 11 - 9:25am

Seriously Mee, to think some poor woman went through nine months and labor to give birth to your sorry ass!

Nov 21 11 - 8:22pm
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Jan 09 12 - 10:53pm

For me, AM has been nothing but a way to burn money. It's Craigslist with just as many fake pictures, men pretending to be women and people who want you to click on their affiliate links - plus you get to pay for it!

Yes, if you buy the premium package, you get a guarantee - a guarantee to what? That you'll actually find what you are looking for? No.

I'm still looking for a site that can do a better job, filtering out the scammers and only charge money after proving itself. (Yes there are ways where you can make money without expecting the customer to bear all the risk).

Good luck, and maybe I'll see you out on some site... or out and around SF if you live out here. Wink, wink...

Feb 03 12 - 5:56am
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Mar 26 12 - 10:50am

my husband had an affair with someone he met on ashley madison. i am divorcing him. i cant trust him. he is stunned that he got caught and that i am ending our marriage. i can't believe he thinks we can stay together. the sooner this is over, the better. i never want to see him again.

May 17 12 - 10:10pm

Reading all of these comments gives me the heebie jeebies. Who knew there were so many people who think marriage is all about them and their rights and their own satisfaction. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. I suggest you open up to your spouses about your beliefs and about how important you think you are, they have a right to know what kind of oinker they're married to. Ick. Ashley Madison should be OinkerMadison.

Aug 22 12 - 7:59am

Mee, You really should reconsider what you said to Cara. I am not a slut, quite the contrary. I am in a very similiar situation. I have talked with my husband on a weekly basis for 9 years. I express how I feel and what I want and whats expected in a marriage. By year 8 he has been faced with the fact that he must change or I will go elsewhere. He'd rather me step out and keep it from him than leave. Mee, my husband knows me better than anyone and thinks I am a great mother and great wife.
My husband is a recovering porn addict. He lied about it through our entire relationship or i would've never married him. It was years of a relationship with little intimacy and talking about it got nowhere. He was great in all other areas so I just thought it was me or us. It never was but he let me think that for years to save his own ego. Then we went through times of him claiming to be low desire or asexual or having physical problems. Today he admits that it was all just symptoms of what he was choosing to do, making a terrible situation for himself and our family I wont leave bc I want to always keep an eye on him. I dont want to be divorced with my daughter going to him for the weekend. That will never happen.
About AM. I have a profile, havent met anyone or talked with any but I am trying. I wont hook up with someone just looking to cheat but will if he is single or the situation is like mine. The ones I have emailed are similiar, men who love their wives and want physical relationships with them.
Its difficult for women, we cant see the whole credit buying thing or the fake profiles. I am real and on AM. My husband doesn't like to think about it but I was honest about it and he does get it.