Observations: Readers, I confess, my first pass with Ashley Madison was pretty much a failure. I wrote to eight or ten women who had attractive photographs up, got a few responses but ultimately no dates, suspected that the young one who wrote me with the revealing "Private Showcase" was in fact a little too good to be true, and called it a week. The moral fabric of America: safe for the time being.
Then I made two important changes: I switched my status to "attached male seeking females" (I like how it's plural), and I started to contact women without pictures. If you're a man, it's always a good idea on personals sites to be the one willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but especially so here, where simple self-preservation — not homeliness — might keep someone from posting their mug.
Ah, how things can change. Now my inbox started to hang a little heavier. There was still a lot of sifting, rejection and flaking (incredible amounts of flaking, but that's the nature of internet dating), and one especially direct offer: "Hi. I am leaving the city in two days and would like to have some stress-free fun time with a nice guy. Let me know if you are interested." Tragically, I didn't see the note till a day had passed, and by then the job was filled.
Ultimately, though, I did meet up with four women, two whom I'd contacted and two who contacted me. Each was in her thirties or had just turned forty; there was a slender fashionista who looked like a cross between Gina Gershon and the daughter in The Incredibles; an affable giantess who looked like a larger and older Jennifer Capriati; a bright-eyed, full-bodied, mid-thirties version of Loretta Lynn; and a frisky, confident, Russian-born not-quite Michelle Pfeiffer. All of them had sent me photos before we met, and each was more attractive in person. As I'm far from photogenic, I was hoping I was as well.
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It might sound mercenary, but it was actually quite warm.
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The dynamics were quite varied. "Michelle" had teenaged kids, lived upstate but traveled for work, and wanted a longterm lover in the city. We met for a drink in a bar near Penn Station (before her train home), and she told me that while her husband was the greatest man in the world, he just was never very physical, and she married him too young to realize what a problem that was. She was super-smart and accomplished, and it was fun — and even a little daunting — being on a blind date with someone so self-realized. At the end we had a passionate make-out in the bar, but she wanted someone who would be completely devoted to her — an affair, yes, but one of the heart. The fact that I was happy in my relationship meant she wouldn't be my #1. I respected that: she didn't want anyone to leave his wife for her, but she still wanted to be loved. That made sense to me.
Loretta, meanwhile, had a husband who was always on tour, and she was planning on leaving him when he finally finished the gig and wouldn't be devastated. We spent a few afternoons together, first sitting on a bench in Central Park, talking about music and books and the fact that she, too, hadn't foreseen how early marital troubles would continue to grow. She and her husband had dated briefly in their early twenties before he had to move away; she kept a candle in the window, and a decade later, they got together again, but her idea of him was still the idealization from their first time around. Reality, of course, proved to be another thing. For our second date, I invited her over, and we spent the afternoon lounging on my bed. But based on the ratio of talking to smooching, I suspected she was looking for more than just a sustained fling. I felt I had to nip it in the bud.
Jennifer was extremely game; we met for an afternoon glass of wine, took a walk around the block, and then went up to my place. From then on, she'd meet me at my apartment with the enthusiasm of a woman let out of prison. She too was in the process of leaving her husband, who had cheated on her (she agreed that they'd both grown apart), and we'd share a dozen playful emails a day. She called herself WWW (wet wild woman) and, with her boundless energy and appetite, would have made a perfect second girlfriend. But knowing I can't have serious feelings for more than one person at a time obliged me to end things, which sucked for both of us. Still, I know she's going to make someone very happy.
Gina, however, was the ideal mistress. We met for sangria, again in the afternoon to keep things either innocent or like an affair — in any case not like a date. We drank quite a lot; I think we each were enduring the other's stories more than enjoying them, biding our time till we could touch. She wanted to leave her husband too, but neither of them was working, and they couldn't afford to move out. He slept on the couch, and they tried to avoid each other during the day. (I proposed starting a website for people in her condition so they could swap spouses.) She said she had met up with a lot of guys through Ashley Madison, but that I was going to be her last. I had to go back to work (sloshed) after the first time, so the second she came straight over. From then on, neither of us was too worried about conversation (she surveyed my home library and concluded we had no overlap), but we did laugh and smile and have genuine affection. She'd come in; I'd hand her a drink that she wouldn't have time to sip, and we'd be horizontal. An hour and a half later, she'd fix her hair, complain about her scraped face, and dress to go home. It might sound mercenary, but it was actually quite warm. Maybe oxytocin and whatever the male version is just hormonally made us feel close, or maybe sex with a splash of dialogue can create real intimacy, but I genuinely believe there was closeness. We didn't look or sound like we'd be a match, and it's hard to imagine that I could have met her in regular, day-to-day circles. But that just goes to show you that the world is much bigger than we tend to realize, and has many more people who can move us.
Conclusion: Ashley Madison works. Like most — if not all — internet dating sites, it's probably much easier if you're a woman, and it helps if you're not too picky. But there are definitely a lot of people out there looking for affairs. And, yes, some of the women clearly want something more serious, but others are simply looking to get the one thing that's missing from their relationship at home. As one woman told me, "I'd never leave my husband; I love him to death. We just stopped having sex three years ago, and I'm not ready to never have sex again."
Read more I Did It For Science here.
Commentarium (86 Comments)
Well, I had always wondered what that would be like. Thanks for doing that for me. Check one off the list.
"Our libraries don't overlap, but that's okay". Love it!
funny, i am a serial match.com dater, but i don't think i could do this. i do not say that judgmentally.
How depressing it all sounds.
I like to think of myself as open-minded, but agree with LF: I just don't understand cheating. It's like, if you're that unhappy - break up, divorce, etc. But this is an interesting look into a whole other world...
Some people can't just get out of their marriage without destroying the other person. In my case I have a W who has mental issues, family issues, raped when she was 14. She has dyslexia and pretty much can not hold down a job let alone make any money to survive. If I were to throw her out - she would probably end up in the street or dead. Heartless vs Cheater? I have to weigh the two and see what I can live with. Knowing I destroyed someone's life - someone that can't function in society is a lot more damaging to my heart and soul then finding someone to have an affair with. I have excelled in everything I have done. Paid off all my debt @ 36, provided a great home for my wife. Done this will very little compassion or affection in return. Life is too short...
I agree....I'd have an affair with you....and yes I'm married on AM
I totally agree with the response about not destroying the other person. In a black & white world all wrapped up in a pink bow, the world is so simple that if you don't love someone, you leave. I'm absolutely in a relationship where my spouse would be destroyed if I left her. Because of her problems, I simply have zero attraction for her beyond that of a friend. We have a family, so a divorce would destroy her and split up the family. I've provided a good home, with love, and patience, and compassion. I want to be happy without destroying them. Consequently, I have a discreet affair. Heartless?
Sounds like fun. I enjoy my open marriage as does my wife, though we're too busy most of the time now. To the anti-cheaters: why pretend that marriage is a sentence to little-or-no sex? For most of us marriage is about loving and nurturing. Often sex works much better with other partners (it does with us and our other partners). It means I have a great marriage and a great sex life--and I give my wife the credit.
I admire Ashley Madison for making that possible for others.
I definitely agree with JS, dealing with other peoples perceptions of open relationships is a huge difficulty. It's amazing how offended people can be by something that shouldn't affect them anyway.
to reply to PFabove, I completely admire your situation and think it's great.. but you say that your marriage is open, so it's not "cheating". Cheating is very upsetting to a lot of peple for the betrayal of trust and the lying. I've found that when it's jus about the "actual" sex, people get much less upset.
@kel: If only it were always so simple. I have four children by my wife of 15 years. She's not perfect, and neither am I. But even though the thrill is largely gone, she's a decent person and a good mother. What she isn't is sexually engaged, and over the years that's become a bigger and bigger problem. Should I leave her over that? Abandon my children? Leave them and her destitute? If anyone's looking for a definition of betrayal, that would be a pretty good one. One the other hand, am I supposed to just abandon any hope of sexual satisfaction? "Sorry, your erotic life is infrequent and dull...tough shit." Is that what nice guys get...fantasy and the hand, and that's it? I haven't had an affair, and I don't have an AshleyMadison account, but I can't say I haven't thought about it.
Y ou all make ur wives sound like retards
That was pretty damn good writing.
@ SM. I guess I just can't relate, but I'm only 24. Maybe I've watched too many Disney movies, but I would hope sex exists within marriage?? Ack!
Hate to burst Kel's bubble some more - but sometimes even if there is sex in the marriage ... it's not enough. Good story - I had put my profile up on a local kinksters website (with full disclosure that I am married) and got many intriguing replies - but, in the end, I chickened out and deleted my profile. And so it goes....
I agree with you that it's a great option for open marriages and relationships, but here's where I think the "trapped in a loveless relationship" is a total cop-out: did you (not Mr. Harrison specifically, but the universal, cheating you) ever talk to you spouse about the lack of sex and romance in the relationship? I feel like too often we're a society of convenience and if you're not satisfied in your current relationship, instead of taking the grown-up path, you take the path of least resistance. Maybe your wife/husband is also feeling neglected, maybe s/he too feelz "trapped", and maybe s/he too is just waiting for the kids to grow up so you can divorce already. Affairs can be perfectly healthy for all involved, but I think playing the victim seeking love through a secret meetup behind your spouce's back is cowardly, and honestly says more about your inability to be honest about your needs than it does the spouce's ability to satisfy in bed.
So much bad karma is coming your way, I hope you realize this. What goes around comes around. You can explain it away all you want but it doesn't make it right and I'm sure you know that. The women were just as wrong as you but just because they were willing doesn't make it okay. You are a sad person indeed.
I'm curious JA as to how you found this page? Were you looking for an affair?
Yeah, Ashley Madison is for people who have admitted to themselves that their marriage isn't working but are too chickenshit to actually do something about it--whether "something" means trying to work it out or divorcing. Sorry, but adultery hurts people and there's really no excuse for it.
ahh, THERE are those high horses i was waiting for
I've been in the dating/social website development business for almost 15 years. My company has built over 70 of those sites since 1997. In most cases we are involved in planing, designing, developing, maintaining and advertising of the websites for our clients. My point is that by now I can very easily tell how scammy a website is by creating an account and spending a few minutes on the site using using our custom load testing software. So I did with AshleyMadison. I must say that AM turns out to be one of the most dishonest sites I came across so far. I closely analyzed their search results for various search criteria combinations and it appears that this site is saturated with fake profiles. I can not revile the methods of the analysis (trade secret), but there are numerous obvious indicators or even concrete evidences of those profiles being fake. Also their system seems to be rather primitive and lacks most useful features available for nearly a decade on other dating websites. The reason this site became so popular is their very aggressive and dishonest advertising strategy. This company invested most of their budget into advertising rather than good technology and useful features. All their claims of being the America's #1 adult dating site is one big lie. In my opinion they are one of the worst, dishonest and the most expensive. Also their claim of guaranteed affair if you buy their $250 means that your email account will be bombarded with massages from escort services posing as their members. Stay away from AM! All you will get is an empty wallet, wasted time and frustration. You are more likely to find an affair by going to the gym, beach or a bar. Cheers! -- Ed
I was really dreading your story, but like a car crash, wanted to read it anyways. I understand how the crash happened, but still wish someone would have prevented it. I understand how it fits into your lifestyle, but really dread the pain that the others involved may inflict with the breach of trust. I do however commend your honesty in this situation. The website, and it's target audience is upsetting, but might be of use finding other open couples if we decide to finally open up our bed.
-30 something, 7-years married, almost sexually satisfied (there are some medial issues we are working on fixing that should help this).
Well said, JAB.
I had a great experience with Ashley Madison, found a lover who was the best I'd ever had.
I'm married, with a hubby who actually wants me to step out (He vetted the guys when I started looking) I know how rare that is, bur i was faithful and enjoyed our sex life for years. Only recently has Hubby lost interest in sex, for all sorts of reasons, and I feel really fortunate that I am able to have a lover. To the people who think it will never happen to them or that cheating is always bad, life changes, and you can't know how. It is definitely better to not destroy a marriage and a life just so one part of the couple can be sexually fulfilled. My lover was married with 2 kids, and wife was just not interested. I think she eventually figured it out and realized it was better to let sleeping dogs lie, since it affected her lifestyle not at all.
It's nice to pretend that honorable people just get divorced and that's that, but have any of you actually been through one where the ex will punish you mercilessly for 2-3 years, send people to try and kill you, and spread slander to damage your reputation because you had the nerve to leave their sorry asses? That happened to me when I tried to go the honorable route, and 5 years later still deal with the horrendous aftermath of that psychopathic bitch. Maybe cheating would have been an easier option...high horses indeed. Until you've survived domestic violence - mental or physical - you have no clue what it's like to try and leave such a situation.
It's more and more alarming how judgmental a society we've become. Comments like JA's and MW's are of a piece with the hardened political debate going on in the USA for far too long now. "No, don't bother me with troublesome details like the myriad complications of other folks' marriages, it's obvious and absolute that every person's relationship should be identical to my own, thereby justifying my comfortable views and invalidating those of anyone who sees things a bit differently." We cannot keep dissing others because they don't think the way we do. It's wrecking the body politic in America. Please let's not let it extend to topics like this one.
honestly, america as a culture has so many hang-ups about sex. you want to sleep with one other person outside your marriage? DIVORCE! STAY AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. egads.
KEL - Just to keep hope alive, I've been married for almost 20 years and our sex life is better than it's ever been. We married and had children very young by modern standards and although there have been periods of difficulty, I think we grew up together and realized that all the nonsense that gets in the way is meaningless. So yes Virginia, there is ex after marriage. What I found disquieting about the article is not that there are people seeking sexual satisfaction outside their marriage, that is understandable, but that several of the subjects were really looking for an emotional connection or partner. That is the kind of "cheating" that really inflicts damage on the spouse left behind. If my wife told me she wanted to have a fling to spice up her sex life that would be entirely different and less damaging than a long term affair based on the need for an emotional connection.
@ SG - thanks! So informative and thoughtful.
The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?
The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?
A well-written story, and lots of thoughtful comments, in particular those of JS, PF, SM, JAB, ab and JM. And a few judgmental ones too...
I had a great relationship that ended when I told my gf that I had been communicating with someone 1500 miles away. I had never met the "other woman", no cybersex, a little flirting perhaps but 98% discussions of common interests like music, psychology, tango, etc. My gf called this "emotional intimacy". I googled the term to try to better understand the concept, and one byproduct of that reading was the statement that a woman will often forgive a physical connection outside the relationship, i.e. a one-night stand, but really sees the emotional intimacy as much more threatening. Sadly it was the end of my great relationship--she couldn't deal with it or forgive me. I am still friends with the distant woman, but we never developed a significant "relationship" for a variety of reasons.
We really have a long way to go as a society in accepting the polyamorous relationships of others without judging them so harshly. Maybe the rights of polyamorists will some day be recognized, just as the rights of LGBT folks are today (somewhat) but like one person commented, dare bring it up in conversation and you risk freaking out whomever you're talking to. Open relationships and polyamory have their own challenges, and I respect those that venture down that path in good faith.
In my town of 150,000 I doubt that there would be a significant presence of Ashley Madison subscribers, and I'd prefer a monogamous relationship right now, so I will pass.
Cheers-- gitango on Nerve
"I'd hand her a drink that she wouldn't have time to sip, and we'd be horizontal. An hour and a half later, she'd fix her hair, complain about her scraped face, and dress to go home."
An hour and a half later? Yeah, right. :-)
This is awesome! I love how very polarizing this topic is. Whether you agree or disagree, this is good conversation.
" I just need to keep things symbolically even" - wtf?
Fantastic. I love the evolution of humans and their constant drive to improve themselves regardless of puritanical social standards!
> [ If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, ..they deserve the chance to do something about that? ]
And if they keep declining the invitation? And they don't want to talk about your needs because "it makes them feel pressured"? And they can't allow an affair because it goes against their notions of how life should be? And if they care more about "the rules" they known than your happiness or satisfaction?
Good story and a very good advertisement. I am of the opinion however that this particular experience is fictional. Created to promote the the site.
It is interesting reading some of the comments here about fidelity. I wonder though is better to have a 20 year relationships where you have 2 or 3 affairs. Or is it better morally to have 10 different relationships over a 20 year period. I am not so sure those who take the moral high ground by immediately ending a relationship when they want something new are that much better than those who remain in a stable long term relationship but occassionally step out. I think it is very easy to throw stones from your glass house....just sayin....
Dearest RG - honestly an hour and a half was on a bad day!
Dearest faux "gina" if you were actually there you would be Jack himself trying to encourage more comments. Are you Michelle, Loretta, or Jennifer? 2 have commented already.
Gina the Incredible
It is the nature of the young to be cruel in their judgments, because they have not yet experienced the ways in which life humbles us -- and this is true even for those who realize most of their dreams. Marriage is complicated and imperfect, and the idea that families should be torn in two because of desire for an at least somewhat gratifying sex life is one of the most destructive American ideas of the last half-century.
GA - go tend to your face bruises. You should be embarrased. But nobody more so than Jack.
who is this Jack Harrison clown? I hope all these 'players' knew they were being written about. Something tells me not. This is crappy journalism.
To GA - if you were that incredible - you would find men to be with that would not need to write about you. Pathetic one would say.
How is it possible that my comments would be deleted? Convenient I guess. Seems like Jack has his way with freedom of expression. Come on Nerve!
seems like the "writer" isn't capable of relating to women as anything more than toys in his pathetic ego trip. Perhaps a blow up doll would be a better choice for him.
THE GREAT CO-MINGLING! (TGCM) The rest of the story: A 20 yr marriage - One that includes annual conversations of desiring a better sex life but is entrapped in the typical history of a monogamous with children relationship. Those of us involved in TGCM relationships find the high road of ending a relationship due to unfulfilled sexual need an even a lower road to the dreary one-handed monogamy. Even men know it is not all about the sex.
I am one of the women who has used the Ashley Madison service. It's a shame that so many people are quick to judge. Just wait until life throws you a curveball. After 6 years of complete celibacy, trying hard to be the monogamous, faithful wife, the thought of intimacy began to creep into my skull, especially while I slept. Each day I would take a bath before work and cry in the tub; mourning the loss of the affection and tenderness we once had. Middle aged, in charge of caring for my husband who could not work, the affair I found through Ashley Madison made it possible for me to endure what my life had become. You can judge if you want to but it isn't always so easy to leave. It seemed kinder to continue working to support my husband while filling my emotional and physical needs elsewhere. If I had left him, he would have been living on welfare and having a difficult time caring for himself. I don't care what anyone says, I did the right thing. As for the man I found there, his life almost mirrored mine. A wife with a mental disorder, 5 children to raise, dreaming about a life that includes intimacy. We found comfort and friendship and were reminded that we are still living, breathing, fully functioning individuals.
"Still, I know she's going to make someone very happy."
It's as though he told her he was writing a story and wanted to give a shout out. Good read.
Until you find yourself in a situation where there's no love, affection, sex, and there's still children to raise....this idea would not have come to mind. Lonliness is a killer, and life's hard enough and too short for it!
Primal. Sub-Social. Candid. Sincere. Fair. Well delivered piece. Thanks for writing this.
It's odd that so many of the high horse riders think that we go dashing off to Ashley Madison the minute our spouses say "no".
I've worked at it for 9 years. I've whipped myself into perfect physical condition, I keep myself looking good. I am attentive, helpful. I've gone to counselling, I've tried to get her to go to counselling. I've tried everything I can think of. She still loves me, but she doesn't ever want to have sex again. She gets upset if I just go to a strip club or look at porn.
We have disabled children who are hard enough to raise with both of us working at it. Our children will depend on us until we die, after which they will die. Their lives and ours would be hell if we split up.
So I can consign myself to misery, abandon my wife and children to misery or have an affair. Sorry bub, I'm not going to live my life just so you can pretend that morality is a simple thing that you learned in church.
nice, but would like to hear how it works for somebody
that does not live in NYC
you know
life is not quite the same in Sandusky Ohio, or Goat Head, Tenn
thank you
dit dit
im not into AshleyMadison its completly horrible!. i really dont like the idea of this. if you saw Tyras show on Ashley Madison and how broken hearted people get from it you might change your minds.. if your marrige doesnt work out. divorce? before it gets worse aye. mean no haarm i just dont understand why people marry and comit to eachother then do stupid stuff like this :S
This shit is dead wrong. Morality has left the building.
I've been the other spouse - the one left behind for an affair. Though it it was partially my fault, the lack of communication from my spouse could have saved us. From one of the worst times in our entire lives. We're still feeling the wounds from the infidelity. The trust may never fully come back. For those of you about to cheat, please think about the potential damage you may cause, even if you think you can get away with it.
Joe- Sounds like you need to throw the pipe around a little better.
I agree, we are all entitle to a little affection and if we can't get it at home, well.....
I have had great luck on the site. I totally lie about my age and am very upfront about what I want. A lot of the guys want to date me, but I don't have time. I met a fantastic man who took me to places I never thought possible. We were totally in tune but he was your achetype bad boy, broke it off because, well, AM is a smorgasbord, let's face it. So many options for both sexes that one is always looking to trade up, I guess. I am back on with a new profile, new name, new photo. I am absolutely struggling with trying not to fall in love, but it's hard. I get all loved up and project my stuff onto a man. Sigh. I think it's a fantastic site though, perfect for marrieds. Suits my desire for sex with strangers who appreciate my ravaging sexuality, something hubby ignores.
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
You must be the luckiest man on the internet and one of the few men ever to actually have an affair via Ashley Madison. With a male/female ratio of less than 10:1 (this has been proven - disregard the company's lies) and many of the 'women' being Ashley Madison's own fake 'online hosts', the chance of most guys hooking up are virtually nil. Guys if you do insist on cheating, pay for it or get a blow up doll, at least you'll actually get something for your money! Ashley Madison is a scam pure and simple.
Its not the sex that I miss, It's the kissing. The touching. The intimacy. I have laid awake at night...in "my room"...crying...wishing that she would only show me the same affection she shows our dog. We never kiss, now we barely talk. My son at 4 has such an understanding of 'family" that I would stay rather then go. I miss the scent of her skin, the brush of her hair. It wasn't my doing. We just went from "Sex only with the lights off. to NO sex. To her lounging around for days in the same PJ's she has had on since Monday? When did it all go so wrong? I would love an affair. One just to full fill the void in my soul. One that would make me fill human again. One that would again remind me that I AM a handsome man, I AM a good lover, I AM a person that someone needs...not just a person that someone needs to pay the bills! So go Fu@$ yourself and your morality. Religion... I was an abused alter boy. Hope... there is no hope. I will never leave that little boy. I would rather feel my heart die a little everyday then be told that I can only see my son (my best little buddy and the reason I still breath the air and walk the earth) one day a week and every other weekend. Divorce is not an option. Infidelity IS !!!
SO SAD IN PGH !!!
Right on pghdh! I feel your pain. I made a big mistake by marring to quickly. I thought I will get better.. then our beautiful twins. I love then dearly. they are now teens. the marriage has just stalled and die over the years. she is a friggin ice queen. so I check out some porn, just to fantasize that someone wants to give and receive affection . The wife finds out and goes crazy and physically attaches me! That was it. I wasn't going to leave my kids. They need me. but they are older and I told her we are done and I', preparing to leave. I just couldn't take the emotional battering of indifference anymore so I signed up on Ashley madison. I hope to god there is someone on there I can met and just enjoy the moment. many people are very quick to judge, especially the man. Oh,others say your wife is so pleasant....@!f88#, I feel like saying. Real damage is done by someone who disengages from you and then messes with your mind.
hi man wazzup? I just wanted to say that my internet explorer is freezing when I try double click on the pics… are you using some non standard scripts or something?
hahahaha! That is classic point of view.
Wow and wow!
That's very thought-provoking point of view. I intend to return to this site very soon.
Been on and of Ash Mad for Years. Made many friends and close lovers and now just friends. 2 years ago (counting) met the love of my life. I am separated and he is married... and I am fine with it. We are totally exclusive and joyful together. It took time to find the right guy but with an effort sometimes it can work. I care for his wife she is ill and can't give him what he needs. I don't want to hurt her, or him, but we both deserve a bit of happiness before all the lights go out.
I know divorce sucks because I've had one. I get that the "easy" thing to do is cheat on the side, but I stuck to my morals and pushed which eventually led to divorce. Maybe I'm lucky that we got out before we started to hate each other, and we were both adult enough to work things out to keep the trauma to our children to a minimum. For me, I could not accept living in an empty marriage just for appearances. I also wanted a real relationship, and no matter what anyone says, an affair is NOT a real relationship. If I cannot hold my lovers hand in public, it isn't real for me.
So yes, I feel that if your marriage is this bad and every attempt to fix it has failed, get the divorce. If you are both adults about it, it is possible to split without destroying lives in the process.
I have had experiences with AM and I do feel sorry for the guys. It's much easier for women to meet up then the men. However, it does work. I've been with a few different men and have had wonderful experiences. Many believe that I am one of those that are too good to be true on my profile. I'm in my 30's and take very good care of myself. I have nice pics. Not all of us on there are fake and a scam. I have a desire for sex that my husband can't keep up with. I also feel that perhaps I was too quick to marry him and we have never truly been sexually compatible. He and I want different things. I'm a very sensual and passionate person. He harldy knows what the word foreplay is and for years extremely selfish in bed. Why could he always have an orgasm and I was always denyed, even after telling him things need to change. Telling him what I need and want. He just shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. I have spent several times in the bathroom crying because I was getting none of my needs met. He is a great man in every other way. We have a good marriage and beautiful kids. He is my best friend. I would never want to replace him, I just need the kind of affection that he can't seem or wants to give me. I went to AM after a lot of thinking and after 4 years of desiring someone who can't wait to have me. I used to be one of those moral, judemental people who saw things in black and white...life isn't black and white, I've learned. No one knows what they are capable of until they are put in a particular situation. I understand affairs now and how they can happen. Yes, there are those few who are just asses and cheat just to cheat but there are others who just need some needs met...don't judge until you've walked in someone elses shoes...I've learned that the hard way.
seriously, you're a slut and a worthless mother. One day you'll get what's yours. wht goes around comes around!
Did you even read what I wrote? Yes, what comes around goes around and someone as hateful as you will get yours as well...
I'm a slut because I want affection that after practically begging for isn't reciprocated? How is that fair to me? I didn't sign up for a marriage where my husband only cares for his own needs. I stay because I love my kids (and they are well cared for) and I love him but the thought of going through the rest of my life without sex isn't something that I can do and I've tried...for over 13 years.
Cara, you go girl! I love my gf to death and we do have good sex. She just has less of an initiating/ravaging style than I do .. I am considering trying AM, and i've been the side-boy of several married women over the years. One i fell totally in love with when i was about 25. Big mistake. But now that I'm older (31), I totally totally understand where these women, like you, are coming from. I have a couple "f buddys" i still hook up with here and there, but for them, they are just having fun with me while they wait for the right guy to come around. I'd rather spend my play time with someone who is married or in a serious relationship and who is mature enough to respect the rules. Don't let anyone call you names or pretend they are better than you! You are doing the right thing for your entire family, although most people can not possibly put themselves in your shoes. I wish you lived in my city!
Thank JAH. I must admit having someone write what Mee did was a shock for me. To be called a slut because my husband will not provide me with physical attention is awful. But then Mee is probably one of those uptight people who don't even like sex. I've gone into this in a very thoughtful and serious way. I have not harmed my family. Infact, things are much calmer and good at my home now that have some some happiness. I'm not constantly miserable all the time anymore and I don't get on AM and just have a ton of one night stands. I see one person and I've made many friends who I will never see physically but its nice that we can share what we've gone through. Life isn't easy and simple but I'm not here to just suffer (which I've done for a very long time) I deserve to have someone make me feel like I matter...make me feel like an individual instead of just a maid, cook, taxi driver and housekeeper.
Cara,
Serious question here. Is your husband a wham bam thank you ma'am guy?
Does he last long? Please answer and I will tell you. Why?
it doesnt work
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
Seriously Mee, to think some poor woman went through nine months and labor to give birth to your sorry ass!
Jack-
Thanks for taking the time to share you success on Ashley Madison. As long as you protect your privacy, married dating sites can be great. You both know why you are there. In this wired world, communication is easy, and it is also easier to get caught. If you intend to keep your secret a secret, learn how to hide your affair. You can search how to hide an affair, or you can check out my newsletter. I've poured through countless sources as well as tried these tricks myself.
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For me, AM has been nothing but a way to burn money. It's Craigslist with just as many fake pictures, men pretending to be women and people who want you to click on their affiliate links - plus you get to pay for it!
Yes, if you buy the premium package, you get a guarantee - a guarantee to what? That you'll actually find what you are looking for? No.
I'm still looking for a site that can do a better job, filtering out the scammers and only charge money after proving itself. (Yes there are ways where you can make money without expecting the customer to bear all the risk).
Good luck, and maybe I'll see you out on some site... or out and around SF if you live out here. Wink, wink...
Well, yes, it works! I tried it for science as well and ended up having an affair, although unintentional at first.
Give us a try at http://www.ashleyrnadison.com/A18984
my husband had an affair with someone he met on ashley madison. i am divorcing him. i cant trust him. he is stunned that he got caught and that i am ending our marriage. i can't believe he thinks we can stay together. the sooner this is over, the better. i never want to see him again.
Reading all of these comments gives me the heebie jeebies. Who knew there were so many people who think marriage is all about them and their rights and their own satisfaction. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. I suggest you open up to your spouses about your beliefs and about how important you think you are, they have a right to know what kind of oinker they're married to. Ick. Ashley Madison should be OinkerMadison.
Mee, You really should reconsider what you said to Cara. I am not a slut, quite the contrary. I am in a very similiar situation. I have talked with my husband on a weekly basis for 9 years. I express how I feel and what I want and whats expected in a marriage. By year 8 he has been faced with the fact that he must change or I will go elsewhere. He'd rather me step out and keep it from him than leave. Mee, my husband knows me better than anyone and thinks I am a great mother and great wife.
My husband is a recovering porn addict. He lied about it through our entire relationship or i would've never married him. It was years of a relationship with little intimacy and talking about it got nowhere. He was great in all other areas so I just thought it was me or us. It never was but he let me think that for years to save his own ego. Then we went through times of him claiming to be low desire or asexual or having physical problems. Today he admits that it was all just symptoms of what he was choosing to do, making a terrible situation for himself and our family I wont leave bc I want to always keep an eye on him. I dont want to be divorced with my daughter going to him for the weekend. That will never happen.
About AM. I have a profile, havent met anyone or talked with any but I am trying. I wont hook up with someone just looking to cheat but will if he is single or the situation is like mine. The ones I have emailed are similiar, men who love their wives and want physical relationships with them.
Its difficult for women, we cant see the whole credit buying thing or the fake profiles. I am real and on AM. My husband doesn't like to think about it but I was honest about it and he does get it.