I Did It For Science: Boob Power

Do my "God-given gifts" really make life easier? 

Sophia Loren and Jayne Mansfield.

By Bianca Merbaum

Today, the Nerve edit team is off celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. the best way we know how: by not coming to work. Please enjoy this classic from our archives, check out today's new Miss Information column, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Experiment: "God was very generous with you," a Parisian friend once told me. Sadly, he wasn't referring to my IQ or ability to find a parking space. No, he was talking about my breasts, big and especially disproportionate to my five-foot frame. Since the day I fully bloomed, I've struggled to accept them, often resorting to guerrilla minimizing tactics: doubling up sports bras, duct-taping, and strapping on heavy chest armor.

When I started developing breasts, I never embraced them or felt excited by them like many other women do. I didn't find anything amusing about men blatantly staring at my chest and mumbling crudely, and the feeling of vulnerability crushed me.

But for science, I was willing to rethink the matter. I decided to find out how much power breasts really have. Am I neglecting an asset I could use to get everything I want in life? Let the tests begin.

Hypothesis: (Cup Size > AA) Breast x 2 + Cleavage = Power

Materials:
A properly fitted bra
•A sports bra/minimizer
• A v-neck top or dress
• A loose t-shirt
• Twenty males (preferably strangers)
• An expensive bar
• A flat-chested girlfriend

Preparation: I desperately needed to update my lingerie collection, which consisted of hideously un-sexy minimizers and old bras from ninth grade (a sign of wishful thinking that one day I'd wake up to a magically deflated chest). So I headed up to Townshop, a quaint lingerie store on Manhattan's Upper West Side specializing in the "art of fitting." The last time I checked my size I was a 36DD, but according to my bra fitter, Chauntelle, I was a 30F. Although Chauntelle swore that I wasn't "big" ("we carry size K"), I was appalled.

If you've never been professionally bra-fitted before, let me warn you: it may be an art, but it feels like an intense military operation, involving awkward physical positions and rough handling of intimate body parts.

Am I neglecting an asset I could use to get everything I want in life?

"Bend over!" Chauntelle ordered.

Hesitating, I obeyed. She slipped on my bra over my hands and made sure my dangling boobs were within the perimeters of the cup before I stood straight again. Once I was straightened and harnessed, she continued her orders, but this time I felt like I was learning the Lindy Hop. "Now shimmy to the left, and shimmy to the right, then do the finger slide," she instructed, jiggling her chest from side to side and sliding her index finger inside my bra from the cleavage point out. "Now give your sisters a little tap... and that's how to properly put on a bra."

All the maneuvering was worth it. Hot damn! I thought, admiring my protruding cleavage. For the first time, my breasts weren't squished into pancake shapes, looking instead like balls of plump, peach-colored cushion. There was something incredibly appealing about the supple curves of my chest, the soft bounce of them when I moved and the subtle crease in the middle.

"Can I show you off?" beamed Chauntelle, beckoning her co-workers in for a private peep show. They crowded in the stall, admiring my bust, and began oohing and aahing; I felt like a proud mother showing off her newborn twins.

Out on the street, however, I felt more like a platter of steaming doughnuts at a Weight Watchers meeting. Seriously, dudes, didn't your mamas teach you not to stare? Under normal circumstances (when I'm not undercover in my lab coat), I rely on substantial qualities to seduce men, such as my impressive knowledge of nuclear-warfare theories or my ability to mimic Russian and Indian accents. But now attracting men — at least in one regard — seemed effortless.

Method: Now that I was properly outfitted, it was time to put my chest to the test. For my first experiment, I would ask unsuspecting male subjects to sign a fictitious and utterly ridiculous petition. The variable would be the amount of cleavage exposed during the signature collection.

Thanks to my friends and their drunken brainstorming, I found myself in busy Union Square promoting "The Banana Project," a made-up campaign to ban all human consumption of bananas simply because I "strongly believed" they belonged in mouths of monkeys. For round one, I layered myself in a minimizer and sports bra and then put on a loose workout t-shirt. Having thoroughly disguised my bust, I was ready to campaign.

Please note: if you've never petitioned for anything before, it takes a lot of balls. People don't want to listen to you, and if you're petitioning for something as ridiculous as "The Banana Project," they will laugh in your face. My armpits were shvitzing from nerves and public humiliation, as I became a target for all the sarcasm in Union Square:

"Countries that produce the fruit will suffer!"

"What am I supposed to eat?"

"Why bananas and not apples?"

"I don't buy that. You're really weird."

"How am I going to get my potassium?"

Commentarium (23 Comments)

Jan 17 11 - 3:09am
Brotato

This is a repost of a previous one.

Jan 17 11 - 3:37am
becksta

great article! what a woman has to go through in the name of science!

Jan 17 11 - 5:29am
mw

my breasts are the same cup size! i feel your bra-fitting discomfort. and now I am going to try out a similar experiment myself - I could use a free drink

Jan 17 11 - 5:49am
Sharmota_Egy

Great screenshot :-)

Jan 17 11 - 5:53am
JFX

Yep. I've seen this very same article before1

Jan 17 11 - 7:06am
tkm

Repost Nazis: Seems that you were too busy checking out the cleav to notice the very first paragraph of the story, identifying the article as a holiday rerun. If you're going to land a girl with Nice Tits®, you need to stop committing this type of tactical error.

Jan 17 11 - 10:34am
Eyeballer

In the 1st pictures, she looks like she's wearing sunglasses; in the 2nd, it looks like she isn't. Maybe that makes a difference in terms of approachability? If it's true that 80% of women don't wear the right bra size, what is it that 80% of women don't know that they're supposed to know, and how are they supposed to learn it?

Jan 17 11 - 12:51pm
BenReininga

Thanks tkm -- This article is a classic from our archives that we're running today because it's a holiday. And because we think it's a good read, and more people will see it if we dust it off and run it again while the Nerve editors are home nursing hangovers.

Jan 17 11 - 3:29pm
To:tkm

Seems like you're the Repost Nazi here.

Jan 17 11 - 3:57pm
tkm

Which fan number in my fanclub would you prefer, secret admirer?

Jan 17 11 - 7:39pm
Don Logan

Unfortunately, your process is flawed. (But not your ta tas! Mmmm) Would have been better to find a body-double (a woman your age, height, hair color/style, skin tone, etc.) with a small chest. Put her in the same, exact clothing as you in the second round of the petition test. Obviously, adjust the fit to the breast size. Have her follow the same approach, even scripted. Then send her out to collect them John Hancocks. ("Twins, Max. Twins!") Something about your militant-whackjob-Valerie-Solanas look in the first phase of banana-saving might have also turned off the fellas, not the boysdon'tcry trussing. Still, in the end, you blinded them with... science!

Jan 18 11 - 12:54am
ms

Very glad I read this story--repost or not! Being a lifelong boob-quasher myself, this story actually made me reconsider these gelatinous fat mounds and what they can do FOR me. Maybe a even having a proper bra fitting is in order, if only to save some $$ on the weekend bar tabs.

Jan 18 11 - 11:48pm
no one

This is so typical of the 'before and after'. You look like a tomboy in the first scene. No make up, sunglasses, body language is different. Second scene: make up, hair 'did', and you're leaning over and obviously flirting. Sometimes it's not just the boobs, maybe it's the way a female presents herself.

Jan 19 11 - 4:43am
yes

C'mon, Nerve - still dredging up old stuff and reposting it like it's new? Sheesh. Exactly why I dropped my subscription.

Jan 19 11 - 4:46am
yes

Yeah, okay tkm. You're right. But it's still the same crap they've been pulling only with a different excuse, so my crit stands.

Jan 20 11 - 6:54am
jf

I think i have that bra too.

Jan 20 11 - 6:55am
jf

I think this repost is my fault. In nerve's survey i told them i liked the "i did it for science" articles

Jan 25 11 - 5:47am
smalltatas

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? With all of the advertising and public love for big boobs, you really felt like you weren't going to get a positive outcome from puttin' 'em out there? Have you been totally blind to the neuroses of small-breasted women? Failed to see the padded bras, the "chicken fillets", the herbal supplements, the body shapers and enhancers, all geared to give women bigger boobs?

I sympathise with your feeling bad about your body, that's not news, most women (sadly) do. But an article about whether or not men like big boobs? Um, do you live on Mars? While it's true that there is a large portion of men who prefer them small, there are bazillions of men who prefer them as large as is humanly feasible and then some.

It's not science to show a bit of cleavage and then get shocked when people who are attracted to cleavage respond.

Oh, and by the way? I'm an A Cup, and I never fail to get my drink on for free. <3

Jul 31 11 - 11:11am
mosquito

Agreed, I have no problem getting free drinks either. To the author, have fun lowering your 'friend's' self-esteem?

Apr 13 11 - 2:13am
Darnesha

At last, smooeen comes up with the "right" answer!

Jul 11 11 - 6:08pm
star

you would be fun to tit fuck

Dec 05 11 - 12:45pm
BesterPreis

Hallöchen,
ich habe eine gute Seite entdeckt,bei der man schnell den günstigsten Preis für allerlei Produkte erhalten kann.
Hier ist der link 'Bester Preis
Oh ja, dazu haben die dort jede Menge Gutscheine, was natürlich toll ist!.

Dec 05 11 - 1:37pm
BesterPreis

Hallo,
ich habe eine gute Seite entdeckt,bei der man einfach das beste Angebot für allerlei Dinge finden kann.
Hier ist der link 'Preisvergleich
Und zusätzlich gibts dort jede Menge Gutscheine, was natürlich auch cool ist!.