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July 8, 2009
The bathroom itself wasn't too bad: a reasonably clean, darkwood affair. I undid the button of Ms. Inimitables' jeans and a fheww sound came out, like an untimely flatulence. Actually, it was an automated air freshener just above us, clearly with a sense of humor.
Now, to get caught, you have to leave the door open, but it pays to keep it locked until the two of you are past the preliminaries. I was wise enough to bring some lube to speed things along, and soon enough we were both fulfilling the biological imperative. But, again, no visitors! How could that be? And, I have to admit, the pressure was getting to me. Once I started thinking about how the pressure was getting to me, it really got to me.
My ever-supportive partner, sensing things were amiss, stood up, turned, lowered as if to propose to me, and instead took my wilting leek into her mouth while, she would tell me later, resting her head comfortably against the toilet paper roll. What a good woman.
Suddenly, the door cracked open, and a very high, very mortified woman's voice yelped, "Sorry!" I can imagine the tableau before her eyes: a man with lowered Calvins, his back three-quarters to her. A soap-commercial beauty on one knee, mid-Electrolux — hardly what you expect to see when you go to use the john after dinner. Still, she was a sport and, collecting herself outside the door, followed up with the eminently civil, "People have to use the bathroom."
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The disapproving face of our server is not soon to leave me.
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"We'll be right out," I replied at volume, not exactly qualifying as master of subtlety.
A passerby at that moment would no doubt have heard some low-voiced cackling and chortling amid the hurried sounds of pants being pulled up, zips zipping, etc. But less than a minute later, I bravely exited in front of my companion, shielding her from scrutiny, only to meet not the polite patron with the insistent bladder, but another insistent face, our grandmotherly waitress, who scowlingly indicated that in my haste, I had failed to sign the credit-card receipt. Egads. I wrote in an unduly large, apologetic tip, and we rushed to the door.
Observation/results: Spontaneously getting it on can be fabulous, for sometimes the cup just runneth over, and, hey, why shouldn't it? Planning to get caught, however, means that you have to manufacture all the momentum — and fight off the jitters. It's definitely a much dicier affair.
That said, it's pretty fun getting busted either way, assuming the crime stays victimless (I'm glad the surprised woman wasn't a mother bringing her eight-year-old to the loo). Having your disapproving server waiting for you outside, however, is less fun, and clearly James Bond would have pulled the whole experiment off with a little more aplomb.
Still, while the disapproving face of our server is not soon to leave me, and while technically it was pretty much the worst sex Ms. I and I have ever had, there's no doubt it's one that we'll remember, and the giggle count will continue to rise. Plus, next time we plan to get caught in a restaurant, I'll remember to leave the forty-percent gratuity before we leave the table. That should take care of the scowl.
Read more I Did It For Science here.
©2009 Jack Harrison and Nerve.com
Commentarium (39 Comments)
This isn't an expression of sexual freedom, it's forcing others to participate in your sexual acts. That's not just my opinion, but also advice columnist Dan Savage (whose column is carried by Nerve). This is no different than a lone man flashing his penis to young girls on a subway. Nerve wouldn't be publishing a story about how you went out to assault women in public restrooms, so why are they publishing stories about exposure. Hell, the fine print on the bottom of this page reads, "We are ardently committed to free expression, but we do expect Nerve visitors and contributors to interact respectfully and responsibly. Blatant expressions of bigotry, sexism or hatred may be constitutionally protected on the street corner, but they're not cool here." I'd say this shit crossed that line. You're damn lucky you weren't caught by a mom with her eight year old because then you be likely facing some jail time or even having to register as a low-level sex offender.
gm, shut the hell up you self-righteous, moral-high-ground-jerk face.
i agree with gm above me. your "experiment" just glorifies sexual misconduct and indecent exposure. of course you may just putter around about how "uncool" and "prudish" we are, but justifying it for science-as a scientist, shame on you.
the above respondents are uncool and prudish
I agree with jw and gm. I'm cool and unprudish, but I don't like others sexuality to be imposed upon me.
to me, the whole thing just came across as two people desperately in need of some attention. pretty sad, actually.
Good lord. Nerve just keeps getting sadder. I'm not even going to say anything about the vacuous, straining writing in this piece. Spontaneously getting caught, yes, is lovely, and who among the least adventurous of us hasn't gotten caught--in a restaurant bathroom (or more inventive places). But planning it--you're right--means all sorts of manufacturing. So what the hell was your point? You and your girlfriend were all nervous and got caught. Big deal.
If the writing, the angle of the piece, had had some measure of depth, this might have been an adequate piece.
Instead....more simplistic, trying-to-be-funny/hip, pulp writing from Nerve.
(I remember the good old days.)
Great piece, highly entertaining. Everyone is so PC complaining here. This was informative, I've never done this and now I feel like I have a sense of what it feels like. Mission accomplished.
I agree with the majority, here; sexual freedom entails sexual responsibility. Dick move, assholes.
oh no! "sexual misconduct"!
"I was one of the first to speak out against horse play."tm
Have done similar acts in a motel with the Venetian blinds slightly open, and on a hi-rise hotel balcony facing other balconies, at sunset. In both cases, signed in under false ID and left shortly after being seen.
Involving others in your sexual exploits without their consent is assholery, not daring or cool. And abiding by some sort of standards about conduct in public is not prudery, it's courtesy, or just plain decency.
I am absolutely apalled and disgusted by this piece.You laugh off the possibility of a child walking in on you,as if that would have been merely,what? More uncomfortable? Awkward for the parent? As a child I was terrified by my mother fucking whoever and wherever she wanted.And yes,I mean IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME! You cannot underestimate the effect this can have on someone who HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING.The first time it happened,I thought he was killing her.In front of me.I am 35 years old now,and I still hate her for exposing me to her so-called "sexuality".You really hit a raw nerve with me here.I think I will stay away from this site for a while.
huh...hopefully those who disliked this piece on the grounds that it exposes and engages others in the act without their consent have been equally outraged and have taken the same level of action against their government of the last eight years for being made unwitting/unwilling accomplices to all manners of crimes against humanity. I mean, c'mon, it just sex, fer cri-yi. It's how we all got here, right? Well maybe not that guy over there...obviously beamed aboard spaceship earth without an owners's manual...
I've been caught by cops in a jacuzzi of an apartment complex in Tempe, AZ - I didn't live there. That was embarrassing. I did it in the bathroom of a bar on 14th Street, and then on a rooftop on Mott... but I agree - it's just sex. For fuck's sake.
I am seriously going to stop reading Nerve next week if you don't stop letting this guy write every other article.
If my 5 year old daughter had opened that door, I want you to know that I would have beaten the living shit out of you in the parking lot. This isn't some adults having consensual sex. When you deliberately drag a random stranger, who could easily be a child, into your sex act without their consent, you are a sex offender. And your kind is anathema in our society. I say this as someone who has been reading Nerve for the last 7 years and is open to pretty much any sex act between consenting adults.
If this is 'the new Nerve,' I'm done with you. I've literally bought the t-shirt and paid for a subscription in the past. What's your next column? Frotting a 7th grader in a crowd on the subway? Raping a homeless heroin addict? You just crossed a line and left the sex-positive community.
This thrill is the same thrill that motivates the guy who flashes people in the park - even for a mere "1/4 second". We call him a sex offender. This was both pitiable and offensive.
I like the idea of I Did It For Science: Sex Offender. Great idea pb.
So you all come to a website about sex and culture and then you just expose how puritanical you still are about sex.
How to get the thrill without exposing children: do it in a 21-and-over venue. Another way to avoid offending the unsuspecting: try a nude beach with a reputation for sexual activity. You might get a little less of a kick if your audience isn't totally unsuspecting, but you won't be harming anyone, and it's still damn hot.
Sharing a private moment? Or imposing a private moment? Wrong venue, in my opinion. Try an adult book store, perhaps? That is somewhere in which the other (adult) punters might just expect to interrupt a couple in flagrante delicto.
Everyone wants interesting articles, but then complains about a little f***ing for science. Shame shame. I think it's all in good fun. I'm sure there's far less attractive people having sex in public places all over NYC at any given time. Kudos for the bravery.
Well why don't you try being a rapist for science? No? Okay, then we all agree that there are boundaries - we're just arguing over where they should be. So it's not a prudes vs. libertines thing, but rather a matter of exactly how far is too far. Honestly, what would you have done if a child had opened that door?
again, folks, it was a bar, and if for some reason there actually had been any children present (there or on the train), we would have picked another time/place. i assure you, we're not monsters.
sorry, forgot to sign that last post. -- jack harrison
People have sex in bar bathrooms every single night in New York City. Implying that these people are criminals for doing so would be like implying that people doing cocaine in the same bathrooms are criminals.
Really terrible writing here guys.
Jack, it seem that getting caught in the midst WITH someone has the twinge of the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve damn the fig-leaves vibe to it. Getting busted when one is alone (Fast Times at Ridegemont High: "Doesn't anyone knock anymore") is another matter though. Not fun.
JL if I saw you send your 5 year old daughter to the bathroom by herself in a bar full of drunkards, I'd call DCPS and beat the shit out of you. High fucking horse, dude. Mighty fucking high.
Does anyone else miss Rev?
Well how he says it was a bar. Seems like it was a restaurant before, and he's the one who brought up the 8-year-old first. Bit too late to ignore it now. As someone who's into any number of kinky consensual things, I agree with the posters who say this is not very different from the guy exposing himself on the subway. If your kink is exhibitionism and you want people to watch you have sex, go to a sex club, that's what they're for. Unless you're too chicken to really commit, obviously.
Yes, its 'indecent' and yes this sort of thing stands the risk of offending someone with an incredibly fragile sensibility, but come on! How can anyone as squeemish as this group end up on a site like Nerve anyway? Its a SEX site, this couple had SEX in a public washroom - and holy cow with the paranoia about small children catching wind of sex in public. I remember growing up and thinking quite the opposite of stumbling upon sex - it was confusing and foreign but ultimately those early discoveries led to the growing curiousity that I have today. It is one thing to intentionally have sex on front of your children as a parent, and another for a child to see a fraction of a second of the act. Thats life. So mention the dirty deed a little early.
ps: I really loved your writing. Don't worry about the zealots. You will note that nearly all "I Did it for Science" articles recieve a similar barrage of hate mail. Go figure.
Nasty.
Wow, some people care so much.. xD
I thought the whole thing was fairly amusing, and while certainly not my kinda game, everybody knows its done.
My goodness, there are a lot of tightened sphincters here. Perhaps Jack should write an article on butt plugs to give you all some tips on loosening up. He did say that it was a bar / restaurant so I would hope that parents would escort their kids to the toilet. And I see that name-calling is alive and well and the epithet of the day is sex offender / molester, although it seems that "commie" is making a comeback.
For the record, this isn't something I'd would do in a bar or restaurant but I have gotten up to mischief in parks and cars. Just a little harmless fun - at least until some tightass stumbles by.
I actually liked this article, it was interesting to read, but I do agree that you shouldn't involve others in your sexual acts without their permission, adult or not.
Wow, you guys. I agree with every single "This is a sight about sex" Statement. Sheesh, I mean, Sex Offender? What? They didn't go to a freaking preschool, stop acting like they did! They were in a bar, and shit if every person that walked in wouldn't be too smashed to actually remember witnessing it. Seriously, they weren't fucking in the middle of the street, get off the guy's ass about it.