Love & Sex

I Did It For Science: Cock Ring

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imageI Did It For Science by Grant Stoddard

The purpose of this investigation is to determine the efficacy of a penile harness in (1) prolonging ejaculation and (2) increasing pleasure during male-to-female sexual intercourse. Also, to see whether it looks weird.

State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

I’d rather a cock ring than a wedding ring, so this assignment shouldn’t be so hard. Then again, isn’t that the point?

Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including if applicable, how they were obtained).

One “Cock Cage,” consisting of 1 black rubber cock ring (diameter 2 inches), two adjustable testicular isolators (black leather) replete with snap-on fasteners.

In this portion of your report, you must describe step-by-step what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.

I wanted something classic and practical, but opted instead for something more medieval: “The Cock Cage.” I galloped from the Lower East Side to my girlfriend’s workplace on Broadway to show her. She screamed with laughter, and I couldn’t blame her the “Cock Cage” looked like a harness for some bizarre miniature pony. We rushed home. My friend had told me of how this same contraption turned his member into an angry lead pipe for several hours, so I was anxious to saddle up.

The rubber ring fit around the base of my penis, and leather straps separated and urged my testicles forward. My girlfriend helped me into it, tears of laughter running down her face. She was trying to be careful but on one occasion managed to snap the straps together with a portion of my scrotum betwixt them. Finally, I was in.

Quantify the effects of the experiment.

Initially, my genitalia looked as contorted as it felt (remember the play-doh spaghetti factory?). After a little while, it felt really good in my girlfriend’s hands and seemed more sensitive than usual. The tip of my old chap became bigger and darker than normal and my entire rig had taken on the appearance of a weightlifter’s neck by the time I entered her. Would an overwhelming positive reaction from her mean that I’d have to dress up my cock like the singer from Judas Priest for the duration of our relationship?

My girl, luckily, was not a huge fan. Deeper penetration resulted in a pinching sensation for her, due to contact with the rubber ring. In addition, she reported that my swollen bell-end felt like she was being stretched by a speculum. She’d had enough, and thank Christ for that, I thought, as I pulled out to survey the back of my chopper looking like a violet piece of gnarled driftwood.

Summarize your findings. Don’t forget to attempt to identify possible variables that could result in different findings for others trying to recreate your test results.

If you want a cock hard enough to bend horseshoes, proceed with caution; a Berlin gent fell asleep while wearing such a contraption, ended up in the emergency ward with a member like a mutilated blutwurst.

© 2001 Grant Stoddard and Nerve.com, Inc.