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State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.
I've never really had sex on drugs, but they've always been linked in my mind. Maybe that's because the guys who did drugs in high school were also getting sucked off by girls. Even today, I'm convinced that a boring, homely acquaintance of mine can truthfully claim an Elle cover model is his girlfriend only because he has an endless supply of Bolivian marching powder on hand.
But this experiment is about sex on drugs, not sex for drugs. Therefore, I plan to conduct the sexual act in its purest, most apolitical form — while being totally off my head. My goal is to find a dependable accessory to sex.
In other words, I want to find my drug. It's like when you're sixteen, and you rummage around in your parents' liquor cabinet trying to determine which drink will be your drink. (Embarrassingly, mine's still Malibu and Coke.) The question I intend to answer: is sex on drugs even better than the real thing, or , like the inclusion of "Hotter Than Hell (Demo Version)" on the reissue of Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil , just an unnecessary augmentation of the sublime?
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).
Viagra (1, 50mg)
Ecstasy (1, type: "Ninja Star")
Mushrooms ('Shrooms)
Cocaine ($40 bag)
Marijuana (1 nugget, strain: "Juicy Fruit")
Girlfriend (1)
In this portion of your report, you must describe, step-by-step, what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.
I was an impressionable kid, and I was made leery of drugs at a young age. My fourth-grade teacher was an unkempt hippie who wore shirts with yellow pit stains and stored bits of lunch in his formidable beard. Once he told our class how two of his friends tried some magic mushrooms and keeled over right there, in some English meadow. Now, imagine your teacher telling you that when you're nine years old. It was some cold shit, I assure you. I was scared straight before my time. (Note of context: I saw Dark Crystal that same year and soiled my pants right in the theater.)
Adolescence brought me neither sex nor drugs. Since then, I've taken full advantage of everything I missed out on during a little period I like to call "the 1990's," but a move to New York only compounded my drug-based anxiety. Namely, I started to equate an old girlfriend's casual cocaine use with infidelity. I resented the way she'd disappear into a tiny scuzz-bar bathroom with her shady hook-up guy, then return to my side with a sly grin and sparkly eyes. Who knows what they were doing in there? Why was some other dude being drafted to make her feel good?
My current girlfriend went through what she calls her "drug phase" a long time ago. Let me put it this way: if drugs were crayons, Erica started with the sixty-four pack. By the age of twenty-one, she'd done ketamine, meth, opium, whippets — a maelstrom of substances that'd render her dangerous to cremate. When I requested her assistance with this experiment, she launched into an excruciating monologue about the finer details of being in a K-hole. It left us both slightly nauseated. Reluctantly, she agreed to participate, but only if she could stay clean and serve as a witness.
My editor decreed that the study would involve five substances. Crank, crack, gas-huffing and the big H were ruled out at an early stage. We settled on ecstasy, cocaine, marijuana, mushrooms and Viagra. Each would be evaluated by six criteria: immediate physical effect, tactile response, duration of sex, mental images produced, lab assistant's reaction, and comparison to usage outside the sexual realm.
Getting the drugs wasn't a problem. I had a pretty good idea which friends and co-workers could hook me up with what. I put out the call, and during the next week, nondescript envelopes appeared in discreet areas of my desk like four visits from the drug fairy. Only Bob Dole's little blue friend proved elusive. Online Viagra vendors were too expensive, and borrowing from someone's prescription wasn't an option: because my co-workers are women in the 25-30 age bracket, they aren't exactly in the prime demographic for erectile dysfunction. I finally turned to Craigslist, an infamous online bulletin board where one can obtain "a slippery hand job, no questions asked," from a bored stay-at-home mom as easily as one can acquire a used Thighmaster.
Sure enough, some guy had posted a "Viagra Available" ad. He had a few pills left at $30 a pop. After a quick email volley, I met "Mac," a buff Latino dude, outside his gym in an upscale Brooklyn neighborhood. He invited me to "take a little walk" with him. As we strolled down a tree-lined residential avenue, every apple-cheeked, stroller-toting family looked like a team of undercover narcs. "You've done this shit before, right?" Mac asked. I nervously replied that I had not. He assured me that I was going to have "a real good time." It was then that I became acutely embarrassed: Here I was, talking to a stranger , a drug dealer of sorts , about the award-winning, four-hour erection he was going to help me achieve. "Half of one of these will be plenty," Mac said, handing over a little envelope containing the goods. "You've got four great nights there!" We shook hands, and he asked if I needed anything else. I wasn't sure what he meant. Some Preparation-H, some tough-actin' Tinactin, perchance? The man was like a walking Rite-Aid.
Back in Manhattan, Erica and I were determined to get right down to business. We wanted to keep the experiment pure, minding two very important guidelines:
1. Have sex while as high as possible.
2. Cleanse the palate between drugs. It would be scientifically irresponsible to hoof a baggie of gak while in the throes of a "moody Tuesday" brought on by Sunday's ecstasy.
Of course, everything went pear-shaped. Typically, Erica and I will get it on wherever, whenever, but for the next several weeks, whenever we were together and horny with a couple of hours to spare, the gear would be sitting in the other person's apartment across town. I started carrying everything with me at all times. For a week, I walked the streets of New York like a living sampler plate of narcotic treats. Still, we couldn't get our shit together: whenever I was free, Erica had to work, and vice versa.
All told, I had two months to plan, execute and deliver the assignment. I ended up doing all five drugs within seventy-two hours.
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Commentarium (388 Comments)
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DRUGS!!! Ah, Grant, my friend, well done. Boomers are by far my favorite, but there is one HUGE HUGE HUGE problem with your experiment. Your partner, while more than game, did not accompany you. Had she, I can guarantee that your experiences would have been far far different. Especially 'schrooms and E. Sex on coke is overrated anyway, I've always had the feeling that people who say its phenominal are convincing themselves of something, because I share your analysis. Irregardless of your mates lack of participation, it would have been very interesting to actually read her reactions, have her write them up in her own words. Whatever... you continue to be the best thing about Nerve. I think it is time to challenge you, though, because "Science" has a repetition to it... how about having your woman take you from behind, and you both write about the experience? Keep up the great, great work.
I have one thing to say: Erica is a real trooper. Not a lot of people would do for you what she did (especially the clean n' sober types), so you better appreciate her for everything she is. She must really love you. I'm glad you gave her some credit in your article because she certainly deserves that and more.
Other than that - great experiment, though I am also surprised weed is your winner. Then again it's been a while since I smoked in an intimate situation...
Ya Mon! Per "Romancing the Stoner" weed + sex = 2 much fun! The only thing I watch for is that I can "match" the performance when not stoned .... it's important to me to know that it's not all the weed doing the work, and that most of it comes from me personally.
The time perception thing has always been interesting. It's a trade-off though ... sometimes it is better to "be here now". I even use to use a little weed when practicing things like pulling 360's on my Rollerblades ... your time in the air seems like forever, but at the same time you can't tell if you are a little out of balance or a lot.
... but enjoy! And if they don't legalize in the US, there is always Switzerland!
grant, you looked so cutey laughing with the squirrel. also, nice little story there.
Hilarious. One of my favorite experiments so far.
One of the funniest moments in my current relationship involve me doing a line of coke off my boyfriend's cock. Fucking hysterical, even in the light of day. And the sex goes on for HOURS when we mix the two. If you can transfer all that coke-induced shit talking to dirty talking, holy wow.
Love the column. Thanks for another winner.
yeah mom is right time to take a strap on bitch. I want to hear how that would work out. it would be better than trying it myself...maybe
You might want to mention how these drugs, especially ecstasy and cocaine, totally destroy your mind and body in the long run; the way it is, the article seems to encourage illegal and extremely dangerous behavior. Call me a prude or a square or whatever you want, but this shit will seriously fry you from the inside out.
yes, sex while being held by mary-jane is HOT, Grant, if u want to smoke it w/o hacking your lungs up, try smoking through a water bong, the water pulls out all of the soot and harsh stuff from the smoke and leaves nothing but sparkling kelidescopic THC. Also, when you've been smoking weed for a while u realize that coughing is mostly just a psychological thing that can be controlled....BTW this was the best IDIFS since that gay-bar episode w/ the pics of you in that hat---yum.
I do feel bad for your girlfriend, as I know how hard it is to be clean and sober but really miss doing drugs. (Talking about drugs now is similar to porn for me. It feels all yummy and lets me relive my experiences without actually doing drugs again.) She's a trooper, I know I couldn't have done that and not caved.
I cant believe you've done a survey on drugs and sex without using the greatest drug to have sex with - ketamine. Why is this drug big amongst the gay scene? - well have a big toot when you're in bed with your loved one and find out!!!
You need something,Experience comes to my mind!I myself have used drugs since the mid sixties,such things as,D.M.T.,Methamphetamine,L.S.D.-25,S.T.P.,Mescaline,M.D.A.,Keef,Hashish,Kat,Marijuana,ETC...Sex can only be enhanced by,#1,The true love of the act it's self!I'm aware that this sounds very strange to you,but it's that simple!#2,Really loving the person you are having sex with!(and you should love everyone),You see it's not what,you get out of it(sex,life)It's what you put into it!!I'm very sorry for you!,somewhere on your trip down the pike,you have missed some very important lessons!Please heed this advise,You can't handle drugs!(sex is also probably out of your range)I am sorry to have to know that an other human is hurting as bad as you are!I will reread your article in the hopes that somehow I misinterpreted the real meaning behind it and this is some kind of comedic outtake of Jerry Seinfield type nonsense.I have one more suggestion for you, remove your cranium from your rectal cavity and take a good look around(drugs will not help you with this).Its too bad you missed it!The rest of us are having a ball.Best wishes Jonlsd25!
What a great experiment. Openminded, sencere, and original. This is totally worth the read.
Hello Grant,
Greetings from Chi-town. A friend in San Fran sent me the link to your article.
Hilarious! I think it all depends on your mindset, and one's physical condition at the time of the encounter. I have had great sex on e and spliff, but not every time. I think you have better sex when you are totally relaxed and with the right company. I had a woody like an over grilled hotdog on e at Coachella with my girlfriend who I love deeply. We were obviously in no place to do such an act with the crowd and security everywhere, however we did find a shadowy corner where we could discretely let our fingers do the talking to the sounds of Thievery Corporation. Strange really!
I doubt I would have had the bottle to do such a dodgey act normally. Sorry about all the info, but really wanted to tell somebody!
Cheers
I get insanely wet while on E. Insanely. Wet. But I think everyone can agree...even Grant...that sex without drugs is much better than on them. Hilarious article!
I think this experiment is pretty badass and have honestly never tried sex on anything else but weed. But reading someone else's experiences makes me a lot more curious. I've always been interested in E, but never conjured up enough guts... Maybe my boyfriend and I will give it a try. Nicely done, scientist. Nicely done.
Screamingly funny. I laughed both in recognition and surprise. BTW, acid is the most emotional drug/sex experience I've run into...but its definitely for those in a deep & trusting relationship. It has the potential to be way scary in the wrong place, setting.
A great piece of writing.
Use a bong or vaporizer to keep from coughing.
such a good read, see i thought this was only happening to me...not being able to get hard on certain drugs.. i`ll have to pass this so some other people
I cant believe no one pointed out the obvious, since you have trouble smoking--edibles!! A good pot brownie (or krispie, or chocolate, or even ice cream...) is just as effective as smoking out of a piece or bong. Enjoy. :)
Brilliantly Written.
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i likes. however, i do have to say, for oneness of the universe, just cuddling/kisses and the like...it's mind blowing on mushrooms and acid. really, truly...and the best part about sex on acid? drop with your partner. after awhile of tripping, you will be tired, and quite naturally crawl into bed, and will probably end up having sex.
dependency is bad, not the substance, right? be careful...
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Quaaludes was the best for me but, they are long gone. at least real ones. Weed is my fav too. Coke was fun. Viagra sux. It makes your blood pressure blow. I like cialis. .....and it can last a day or 2 for me.
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