I've never felt horny when taking E. Like everyone else, I just want to hug, talk utter shit to complete strangers, tell them that I love them and then suck their faces. This time was going to be different: I had an agenda, I wasn't at a party, and I was getting paid to do it. Around three in the afternoon, I popped a pill. Erica and I drew a bath, climbed into the tub facing each other, and waited for me to get all touchy-feely.

Immediate physical reaction
About twenty minutes into our soak, I started rolling really hard. I took a huge sigh, and it felt like my first breath. I've never started tripping in the tub before, and part of me ardently believes that, from a health-and-safety perspective, it's a wholly inadvisable thing to do. (Ecstasy tends to make your body temperature fluctuate wildly, and, well, there's the whole drowning thing to consider.) In truth, however, it felt great. So great, in fact, that I forgot about that whole time thing again. I spent the next two hours being more chatty and grindy than I ever have. The batch of E I bought must have had truth serum and a good amount of speed in it, because I spent much time spewing inner feelings Erica had not been a party to. Unfortunately, we had tickets for a play in Midtown and had to leave for the theater by seven. When I stopped yakking for a second and looked at the clock, I was horrified to see that we only had fifty minutes to complete the experiment.

Sensory/mental images
As expected, I didn't really feel much like having sex and just wanted to hug. But being the consummate professional that I am, we dived on the bed and, with Erica watching the clock, started going at it. Or tried to. Even though the idea of sex on E was appealing, the simple act of putting skin on skin was more so.

Tactile effect
I was having so much fun kissing Erica, I figured I'd smooch her down below too. While going down on her, I maneuvered her legs so they were propped over my shoulders and I could feel them running down the length of my back. My little soldier was somewhat out of the game although a little happier than when I was on the mushrooms. Forty minutes later, my wang was being wholly uncooperative. Even a helping hand wasn't actually . . . helping.

Assistant's reaction
"Hurry up; we're going to be late. By the way, did I tell you it's actually a three-person musical and not really a play?" If you're going to take ecstasy, please have the werewithal not to come down in an overly air-conditioned repertory theatre watching three drama kids sing songs about popcorn at cranium-splitting pitches. It really sucks. That said, it's an effective antidote to feeling lovey-dovey. I came out of there feeling as mean as cat shit.

Next: It's the drug that made Miami famous: cocaine.

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