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June 9, 2009
| OBSERVATIONS/RESULTS: Quantify the effects of the experiment. It only took them a few seconds to smash the snowy paperweight of my romantic future. "Unable to match you at this time." They had to be kidding. It's New York City, a straight-male dater's paradise, the most famous place in America to land girls you wouldn't have a shot at anywhere else, where fabulous women put up with dirtbags and freeloaders and still get cheated on. No one for me? But I'm not homeless! I'm not a convicted felon! I can be monogamous, I promise! No dice. "Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched." Yeah, when you say best matched, no shit, you're a computer, but how about someone who might just like my cardigan collection? Apparently this happens to one person out of five, and despite appearances, they weren't exactly telling me that there was no one out there for me (among the million-plus women in Manhattan — ouch!). No, the problem was that I didn't "fall within certain defined profiles." And instead of throwing the rejects into a free-for-all dating pool of freaks (maybe like Alaska), they set you loose to finish your date with the bottle.
Distraught, I shelled out the $19.95 to get their full analysis of my uncategorizable psyche (and, for the record, it was the first time this month I felt plotted against). Like a cunning palm-reader, they did a good job of hedging their bets, giving me these summaries in all-caps: for agreeableness, they say: "You usually take care of others" (my emphasis); for emotional stability "Sometimes steady/sometimes responsive"; for conscientious "Focused and Flexible" (my emphasis). In every case, too much of both. (Though apparently, despite my desire to stay home all the time, I'm still "Outgoing" and "Very curious." Okay') When your psychological profile starts sounding like an astrological chart, you know you're in trouble. Read more I Did It For Science here. ©2009 Jack Harrison and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (38 Comments)
So that's it? They just take your money and say "um, no dice?" By the way, I liked this one. Good job!
actually it's free to find out they "can't" match you; it was only the psych evaluation that cost the 20 bucks.
I can echo your experience. Before I found the nerve personals I tried eharmony - total waste of time for an urban, agnostic, intellectual. They kept trying to match me with devout Christians from NJ. Guys whose "five things I can't live without" included "Jesus" and "God" as two separate items. My conclusion was that EHarm isn't designed with dense urban populations in mind. The thiry mile radius alone is a deal breaker. Like I'm going to start dating someone in deep NJ, from Brooklyn! And with all the questions about my religion, not a single one about my politics? Not for city folk...
A new headline for Adult Friend Finder. Lol.. excellent.
haha i did this as an experiment a week ago
was way frustrated when it came up with no matches
then a day later, my inbox was filled with all these new matches and photo nudges and requests for initiation of conversation
so i deleted my account.
i'm pretty sure you have to pay money in order to see the photos of your matches, too. so the best you can get is their answers to the questions, name, age, and city of dwelling.
I used eharmony for about 6 months in Atlanta and found some of the freakiest broads I've ever encountered. I don't usually go for buttplay on the fourth date -- that's date #5 -- but, hey, when in eharmonyland ...
Nice to know it's roughly 1 in 5 that is unable to be matched by the system. I also was "rejected" several years ago- I tried it due frustration in finding anyone compatible/suitable (I hear you sb-no short, fat bikers, PLEASE) with me on other sites. It's true what they say, "The more you have to offer someone, the harder it is to find a good/happy match". I eventually settled into a relationship with a young man last year I met at a local hot spot. We are opposites in MANY ways, but, he certainly beats the men I was meeting online!!
It's pretty old news that eHarmony is a Christian-oriented dating site and that they don't condone same-sex relationships. At the least it's conservative. So if you're not any of those things, why would you expect to match up with anyone on there.
Ha - fun, despite - indeed - the tame nature of this attempt at "I did it for Science." I tried eHarmony. Now mind you, I've been divorced (twice) and have two kids. My match - a 40-something VIRGIN. No kidding.
At some point I told my e-Match, "Listen, I am NOT the man for breaking you into the whole world of sex."
Not that my viginal would-be-spouse was actually wanting sex.
eHarmony, from my experience, is a fraud.
I laugh out loud whenever their ads come on the telly.
Tried eharmony with much trepidation. Urban midwestern liberal. Selected "spiritual but not religious" and requested to be matched with no christians. Met a great guy who I never would have met otherwise, who was just one neighborhood over. We have the same political beliefs. He is agnostic and I am spiritual but it works. We are currently househunting. I was also matched with a lot of people I have nothing in common with, but overall, this seems to have really worked for me, and the people seemed a lot more serious and sane and literate than on Match.
I tried EH and have never met so many people who I'm NOT compatible with. So mister, go on your dates and share with us your humorous stories...
wanna hear mine to get some ideas?
#1. separated, not really interested in dating.
#2 took me to a secluded place and tried to make out with me when I fell asleep in the car.
#3 emailed for over a month and never really wanted to meet.
#4 dork, gave me the "So you have a dog in place of a husband" yuck yuck".
#5 really wanted to meet me then closed his account right before we planned on getting together.
#6 manic depressive. lets me for coffee "GREAT he said" when I met him..."I HATE coffee".
should I continue?
I laugh and remain hopeful...
so let's hear your funny stories!
I have tried e-harmony twice over the years. No luck finding anyone within 50 miles and they few i did actually date clearly had drinking problems. No Harmony here
KL, I too have met a few people on eharm who seemingly wanted to email forever and not meet, or met me, acted a little over-the-top enthusiastic about me, and then flaked out on the second date. I think there are a lot of shy people on eharmony. I'm kind of shy myself so I'm cool with it, but several of them are to the point where they actually seem afraid of meeting someone. And I have met several people from there who I didn't click with, but overall they were all nice, intelligent guys.
I tried eHarmony when they irst came out and got the same response..no matches at this time...and then they found some...all men in their 70s!!! I've gotten many more matches since then, but all are very ordinary, or in AA or no pictures or just plain ugly. the problem with the site is that they will not give you pictures of your matches unless you pay them. the quality of men on the site has proven to be not worth the money...no matter how old they are. I'm glad I am not easily matched...I know I'm not the "usual" woman, but then I'm not looking for the :usual" guy either...
eH is run by Christian fundamentalists (I am the former, not the latter) who are well-funded and believe the world is best populated by like minded people. That is their bias. I got rejected too.
Now give this new lab rat some real experiments.
I thought this article was great - humorous, light, and REAL. It's something that another "rare bird in the world" but otherwise "normal" person like myself can relate to. As for eH, my friends here in NYC who didn't get "rejected" like me never met anyone. It is what it says - for personalities that fit a category, and hopefully the match won't repulse you physically. That's their niche. Unfortunately, nothing in life that's worth having comes easy!
I think the absolutely most hilarious part of the article has nothing to do with the subject at hand- but the very real and jarring observation that fabulous women get rejected all the time- mostly by loser guys....ah....how many I know! how about a little dating etiquette/HUMANITY!!! in this dating man's paradise!!
JH, don't let the critics get you down. This was a fine piece. As for the substance: I'm starting to get depressed that I *wasn't* rejected by eHarmony -- it's really a badge of honor. I can tell you they do take agnostics (me) and Jews (an ex). But I did hear (yes, unsubstantiated rumor) that the system doesn't work well for people with IQs over 120. My own experience was that in the three months I was a member, I met exactly one woman, and that was a mercy date I went out on with an Indian doctor who lived with her parents and was afraid that all male internet daters were serial rapist-killers. I hated the dating-with-training-wheels approach, and despite the fact that having a family was a principal goal of mine, the kept sending me profiles of women in their mid-40s. It's really a site designed to allow the mediocre to meet and mate.
I tried eHarmony for over a year and had no success. I got plenty of matches, but most of them never replied - not even the courtesy of a "not interested". Of the few that did respond, I only got to the point of actually meeting one woman. We went out for about a month and then she just quit returning calls. She finally broke it off by email. In short, I found eHarmony to be a major waste of time. And now, over a year after closing my account and telling eHarmony why, they still send me offers to reinstate!
as an atheist and recovering BPD, i too of course got rejected. if i knew they actually reject people based on those criteria, i wouldn't have spent 3 hours filling out that questionnaire. they really should have warned people before they take that stupid thing. it didn't cost anything to take the questionnaire but my time is very valuable and i felt so cheated i was contemplating filing a class action suit for the lack of prior warning. anyways, after that i posted on craigslist w4m looking for fellow eharmony rejects. the subsequent dates i got out of that post were expectedly not as interesting as those i got when i posted on casual encounters for drug dates.
Yep, to echo some of the comments here, the vast majority (90%) of people I know who actually got through the long-ass questionaire got told that matches couldn't be found for them. All young, mix of male and female, urban and suburban, body types, jobs, etc. The one consistent thing that all are not religious or atheist. So the sixth factor: be up with the big JC or GTFOH.
I went on eHarmony for a free communication weekend for kicks, clicked on my very first match that they sent me, went through the "communication" phase then met him at a bar with a couple friends. We have been dating for 2 years...Personally being a 23 year old college student I didn't expect to find anyone interesting on a dating website, but I DID: A 26 year old general contractor who owns his own business and home, who is very funny AND attractive... After reading all of these comments, I'd say I got pretty damn lucky!
Also, neither my boyfriend or I are religious at all...so I guess there goes that theory?
Thank you for saving me time. I'm sure if you're a rare bird, I'm some kind of extraterrestrial.
Great feature, looking forward to more. Ignore all the folks that don't appreciate good writing and think it's only interesting if you shove something up your ass.
EH blows. I sifted through my matches of men listing one of their MUST HAVES to include SEX and asked EH why this was permitted on their religion based site considering premarital sex is a NO NO in christianity. Plus - it's just gross to list this instead of something more interesting.
One in five people get rejected by eharmony. And look at the religious make up of america. one in five people are atheist/agnostic/non-religious. Coincidence? Not really. eHarmony is a christian dating site. I filled out the profile twice. I got rejected the first time, and the second time, I changed my answer to only about five questions. The questions asking my religion (i went from atheist to christian) as well as stating a preference for a christian, and a couple questions about spending time at church. The other bajillion questions were answered the same. The second time through, i got in. It promptly tried to match me with a bunch of people who stated their hobbies as "love of god" and "going to church" and I promptly got the hell out of dodge.
Another atheist here - and I was rejected when I took the test a few years back.
I'm one of the unmatchables. Rejection never felt so good! Do you wish people would notice you are funny as hell? My best friend shared her trial subscription with me and there seem to be some very nice men looking for love and companionship. If nothing else, the matching sites provide connection on some level and distraction. Had no idea about eHarmony's Christian-base and appreciate the info. Thanks for your good work!
Im very interessted to know who owns the site really..! and who knows/ owns everybodys personality profile, Is there any data protection in place or can other organisations buy your personality profile from E harmoney?! would love to know? won t do it till I do!!
I am grateful to have found this site as I laughed my ass off when I got rejected by EH and laughed at the author's story as well. At least now I know that I really did 'blow up the system' as Gian Gonzaga said...
I was rejected by eharmony too.
You don't have to be Christian to use eHarmony...but you do have to be heterosexual and have poor taste in dating sites.
I tried eh a couple of years ago and got in, despite being atheist and quirky. I didn't put a preference for distance which was a mistake, but a lot of the guys (basically the only ones who responded) were Nigerian scammers pretending to be American or British and stationed abroad. I even got them to refund my money after sending them over 9,000 complaints. They are relatively easy to spot because of their (stolen) photos from modeling websites, their terrible grammar, and their desire to communicate outside the eharmony site almost immediately. They also tend to profess their undying love to you very early on (after viewing your profile once?). It's sad that some people fall for these asshats and lose a lot of money, but they can be messed with. See thescambaiter.com.
I've also read that if you're not Christian, you get rejected automatically by the system. (I say this as another Eharmony reject-ee.)
The first time I, too, was rejected by EH. But I am a Christian. I did get accepted the second time I tried. But my experience trying to find interesting guys was bad. I had like 20 open matches and no one would respond. It was a colossal waste of time. Incidentally, an atheist friend of mine met his wife on EH.