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State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.
If Pat Benatar's theory is correct — if love is, in fact, a battlefield — then girls are the mighty coalition forces and dudes are a rag-tag band of conscripts, each armed with a rusty rifle and a white flag. At least that's how I've always thought about it. Some friends of mine are naturally adept at cracking the signs and signifiers that comprise girl-code. Many of them possess even less charm, wit and spunk than I do, God bless 'em. They can make smart, pretty, funny girls laugh at their jokes and touch them suggestively before pulling them into a cab. I'm inevitably left behind, scratching my big dumb head before going home to rub my dumber, smaller one . . . while crying.
Even after intensive tutoring from a dating coach, I'm as effective as a cow with a fountain pen when it comes to dropping lines with the ladies. But maybe it's the ladies who are the problem. What if I were to interact with a group that ostensibly thought and acted like me? Namely, other gentlemen. I'm guessing that, like hetero guys, gay men like to at least talk straight. And, as men, they also think about sex every seven seconds on average. In a setting where I could shrug off the whole Mars/Venus residency issue, would my advances be more enthusiastically received? Sure, I've locked lips with an XY in the name of science before, but that was a setup. This time, I wanted to go undercover, set a trap and see who wandered in. It'd be like fishing for lobsters . . . only I wanted to catch gay men, not lobsters. (Point of clarification: although I haven't ruled out man-love as a personal option, I'm predominantly attracted to women.)
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).
Drink tickets
Chapstick
Bright orange sleeveless T-shirt.
In this portion of your report, you must describe step-by-step what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.
Job One was to find the best venue for my big night out. I polled a few of my gay friends, who proclaimed my dressed-down look "too gross" for the competitive clubs in Chelsea, the West Village and the appropriately named Meatpacking District. "Your thing is definitely more . . . East Village," said Eric, as he gave me the ol' up 'n' down. (My "thing" can best be described as "rebel without a razor or a nice pair of slacks." What can I say? I like to keep it real.) He suggested a few appropriate dives: the Phoenix, the Cock (which Eric admitted was totally scuzzy, despite its classy moniker) and, lastly, the Hole. Apparently, the Hole is the place to be on Thursday nights, not only for men seeking men but also for the discerning drunkard on a budget. The cover charge is ten bucks; once inside, everything you can get down your throat is free. There's an open bar too.
Let's back up for a second. In the past, I've been accused of being a tad fey. First, I have an outrageous British accent, which my colonial friends tend to associate with an innate lust for cock. Second, because I hail from Mother Europe, I tend to wear snugger-fitting pants, I can't help dancing like Molly Ringwald, and I get pedicures (but only in the summer months). Plus, after seeing Chicago, I raved about Catherine Zeta-Jones and came across all "jazz hands" for about a week. But giving my burly man-friends an occasional whiff of pinkitude is one thing , convincing a room of 200 hardened marys is quite another.
Aiming for a "casual queen" effect, I put together an outfit: Chuck Taylors, a pair of crotch-hugging jeans, a tight orange sleeveless tee and a green Army hat cocked at a jaunty angle. A cursory glance in the mirror confirmed two things: a) I looked pretty 'mo* indeed; and b) I had worn this exact outfit several times last summer, when I wasn't trying to convince people that I was gay as a cucumber. I guess context is everything. When my friend Brian said, as he often did, "Grant, that fucking army hat looks soooo gay," I'd always assumed he meant it in the '80s sense. You know, as in bad. Turns out he meant I was sporting a look that would make Marc Almond blush.
I decided to bring my gal pal Jenny along to the bar. Brian wasn't going to miss this for the world, and he brought his camera along to document the night's events. I even got Eric on board to give me pointers on how getting dudes all hot and bothered is done.
* 'mo abbrev. From homosexual.
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Commentarium (28 Comments)
As simply as I can say it, I think you are unbelievably homophobic. Not that I belive you think it's "wrong" or "bad", it's just you that seem very uncomfortable with your sexuality. and it shows in this experiment, as with some of the other experiments you've done, this was just the one that took it over the top.
yikes. forget the homophobe stuff, these men are frightfully unattractive.
Faaaaah-bew-luss
The most amusing thing on the internet apart from the "war" coverage.
Grant, I really concur that you are by far the most entertaining thing on Nerve. What really upsets me are people who are so willing to scream, "homophobe!" when this is so obviously far from the truth and further serves only to drain that word of any valuable purpose whatsoever. It is true you don't completely understand how things are for gay men but you ventured FEARLESSLY out there to give it a shot and deal with the fallout in an honest manner. As a gay man, I will admit I am terrified at the idea of intimacy with women as they perplex me to no end and most efforts I do make to understand them are probably no better than what you've done here. What matters is that people make an effort to understand each other, and that you've done commendably, vividly, humorously; if only the rest of the world would make one tenth the effort to be as fearless and non-homophobic as you in approaching people who are not like them, the world would be so much better off. Great job. Good article. I only wish I'd been there to make out with you myself!
If you kept going to gay bars, it's perfectly normal, and you would be called a "fag stag".
But yeah! Aren't gay bars and clubs so much more fun!?
grant, luv, you rock. yep. that's it.
no, no, not homophobic. brave, sweet, self-critical, adventurous, respectful, honest. yes. not square, not scared [to the point of not trying, at least] not boring, not mean, not lying, not. luvly. yes.
I don't get it Grant... I mean I would have been throwing up once another guy kissed me.... That's not homophobic, it just is a natural reaction because the thought of gay sex turns my stomach. That much said, if two guys want to get at it, well, that's their business and they should be able to do so without the world lecturing them on the supposed "evil" of it. But to try to play gay, when you are really straight seems stupid to me. Better to have articles by gays about gays talking about the diverse nature of being gay. Not this pretend stuff... not that there aren't some good points, it just hits me as... stupid. Now I await all the people who will call me a "homophobe".
Nas - I consider you more of a "homoskeptic."
what did em and lo think of u the next day?
Well, it's obvious to me that some readers just don't have a sense of humour. i thought this piece was funny and endearing. Obviously, Grant is really comfortable with his sexuality--comfortable enough to experiment, at least temporarily, with his image. Someone who is threatened by homosexuality doesn't go to a gay club to see what it's like to flirt with other men--they beat people up in an ally instead.
Why would a straight guy go to a gay bar? Out here in San Diego, there are scads of women who love to party, drink and maybe meet a nice guy who can handle his booze so that he can perform later after 10 or so when she invites him over for sex and coffee in the morning. It seems as though many gay men are interested in one thing, the physical looks and size of their pick up. How many straight men have over a thousand women sex partners yearly, unlike many homosexual men? How many men can seduce three women a day, unlike gay hustlers, who are obsessed with different men partners daily?
[genuflects in Grant's direction]
This was one of the best things I've read on Nerve so far. I'm gay and I've known plenty of closet-cases and homophobes and can confidently say that Grant is neither -- which makes the fact that he pulled this article off even more amazing. It does need to be restated that this night at the Hole is NOT a typical gay bar night, it's pretty trashy. But hey, frat parties are pretty similar and those are mostly straight affairs. But I digress. Excellent article!
Good God Stoddard. You are freakin' hot. And I'm a woman.
Yum.
This was great. I mean it's all in good fun. I love gay bars. I am a straight girl & the reasons I go is because Gay men know how to have a good time. It's just that simple. Even though it saddens me a bit that Grant can't get any hetero action. I think he is gorgeous.
Hey Grant,
while you have a deft turn of phrase, this piece
was poorly structured besides its patronizing, dumb
ass attitude towards gay people. the whole faux naivite
tone was nauseating. if I could
find you in a bar, I'd throw up on you. the premise of
this "piece" or whatever you call it, is so fucking lame.
as though gay people can't write about themselves? that
they need the spectatorship of some supposedly straight
guy? or, maybe this wasn't supposed to be read by gay
people at all! fags are like creatures in a zoo and you're
the visitor, huh? yeah, I'm a humorless faggot who doesn't appreciate social tourism masquerading as "science"
as for other suggestions, why don't you go undercover
and... COME OUT?
or, since you're obviously such an investigative journalist (and could, kinda sorta pass for jail bait) why don't you go undercover and... GET SHOCK TREATMENT?
AMEN to that!
KAT, if you like Grant so much why don't you email him. grant@nerve.com. He might even do you for science! LOL
The troublesome thing about this glib but witty piece is that Grant doesn't use his experience among the exotic 'gays' to come to any understanding about why he experienced what he did... or what it might feel like for a gay person in an equally 'straight' setting. In the end it all comes off as the introduction suggests it will- a pathetic bid for attention among the previously dismissed dregs.
The funny thing is, that despite the Hole's reputation, it is potentially a really fun place. It is only as depressing as you make it, and with company like the above, no wonder Grant left the Hole feeling glum about humanity.
Seems to me you have the worst of both worlds, my boy. Not only do you have this apparent handicap of an effete British (English?) accent, but you're guilty of teeth-grinding Manhattanisms like "10 bones for a weak-ass Sea Breeze". Make your fucking mnid up ;)
Being gay is not a sexual preference, it is a culture. You can play at being gay for the sake of an experience, it's actually not a bad idea, and Mr. Studdard certainly seemed to know how to play. But it
was kind of conceited the way Granty wrote about it. Why not write a piece about the fact that sexual preferences in human beings actually evolve and change in the course of one's life? Why not be open about the fact that maybe, just maybe, without being homosexual or bisexual, you would actually like to try the
experience of sex with someone of your own gender? Many women do, and they don't call themselves lesbians or bisexual. Why can't men play around, experience, take friendship with one of your dude buddy to another level and fuck him? Doesn't make you anything you don't want to be. It just makes you a normal person who understands that love and friendship don't have gender attached to it, and that sometimes, friendship is so powerful that you develop sexual attraction. Falling in love is not about gender, it's about feelings.
Now, Mr. Stud, if you would have been serious about this scientific experiment, you might have taken someone home. OK, it was done in good humour (spelled with a u, I'm canadian HA!). But the fact that you mentionned right at first that you are attracted to women, is probably the lamest part of the piece. Hasn't science taught you anything? Like keep an open mind?
Grant fucking Rocks!
Grant: You are such an awesome guy. Very funny stuff.
I thought it was interesting on alot of levels. And of course Grant had to qualify things by saying he preferred ladies...now he won't get a bunch of gay man email asking for his digits. Duh. It also showed that he was being open-minded...This criticism, "Yeah, but he coulda been gay!" is silly. As Dan Savage says, "blah blah blah gayness is not something you try and develop a taste for, gayness is something that sneaks up on freaked out 14-year-old boys."
Besides, you read about these things knowing they're not what Grant usually engages in. Hence the unique perspective. It wouldn't be nearly as nuanced otherwise.
Anyway, I didn't know he was European. Huh. He fit my Michegan stereotype so well...
Grant - you are utterly fearless, or at least, really brave. If I was a guy, i would have jumped on you, too.
Wow! Grant, those pictures are hot. Sizzle. Close up of the jeans crotch shot, please? Girls LOVE a nice package. And yes, size matters.
Next experiment? How about you see if you can connect with a woman and get a complete stranger to fuck you without saying all the usual guy calcualted lines? No, not bits of paper with scratchy love notes on them. Real intimacy. Innocent sexual union. Can you practice "rapport" instead of "report" - the difference between female communication and male knowledge transfer.
Some of the faggot commenters are just embarrassing. This gentleman went above and beyond the call of duty, so to speak, and has one of the most open minds of the straight men I know. Do you consider it a failure because he did not end up 'turning'? Shame on you. At the end of the day, it seemed like everyone had a good time. Listen to the likes of BD, and HQ, shut your cockholster.
Now you say something