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April 6, 2010
Jessica proposed we play a game called "The Gift of the Selfish Lover." In the first round, player one asks player two, "What would you like me to do to you for three minutes?" and then vice-versa. In the second round, player one gets to do whatever he/she wants to do to player two for three minutes, and vice-versa. The exercise, Jessica explained, heightens your awareness of your own needs. This sounded like just the right practice for me.
"Make sure you communicate requests by 'sandwich complimenting.' For example, I say to Sam, 'Ooh, I really like that you're licking my pussy. It would feel really great if you sucked a little harder on my clitoris... yeah, just like that... that's nice." Jessica spoke in a low, sultry tone that I imagined you'd hear on the other end of 1-800-CUMONME.
By this point, Sam had placed his hand on Jessica's knee, and smiled at her with a spark in his eyes. I wondered if that was a cue for me to leave the room for a couple minutes. Instead, I said, "Um, I guess I'll start by being the giver." This meant I had to give to Sam on his terms. This was the part I was used to.
Well, Sam wanted his head rubbed. Now, I have a thing with hair and scalps, and despite Sam's lovely curls, the thought of running my hands lightly through his hair made me cringe. But rules were rules.
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I was about to fail at a sex game.
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"Your hands are so warm," said Sam, "I like that. Can you do just what you are doing but a little harder? Yeah, mmm... that's great."
This, I thought, could be a sexy game... if I weren't playing it with someone's boyfriend while his girlfriend was sprawled out on the massage table a foot away. I also often have an urge to laugh in awkward situations that others are taking seriously. I bit my lip hard to keep from giggling.
But when it was my turn to "receive" from Sam, things didn't seem so funny anymore. "I don't know what I want!" I said to Jessica, feeling hopeless. You'd think it would be impossible to be sexually active for over five years and still not know what felt good for my body, but I was stumped. I was about to fail at a sex game, which is only a step above losing at patty cake on the depressingness scale.
"Allow yourself to be completely selfish," Jessica said. It's hard to be completely selfish when you've never thought that way before. Since time was running out, I asked Sam to give me a light massage. He proceeded to do just that and I found myself "mmm-ing" and "aah-ing" at the feeling of his soft, warm hands going up and down the skin of my back. This selfish thing was turning out to be kind of fun.
"Okay, time's up!" cut in Jessica, just as I started to close my eyes and drift off.
In the second part of the game, Sam asked me to lie down on my stomach and stretch out on the bed, then rubbed his hands over my hip and down my legs and gently kissed the nape of my neck. I in turn wondered if we could go back to the part when I was painfully detailing my sexual past. We wrapped up the session by discussing what parts of the game were hardest for me, and I explained, "It was like he was taking away a part of me. When I am in a situation where I'm submissive to the other person, I feel like my body is being taken away from me. I guess that's how I feel whenever I have sex." Wow, I thought, I'd never told anyone that before.
"Try not to think of it as someone 'taking away,'" advised Jessica, "but as someone giving you something. Intimacy is a balanced relationship between giving and receiving. The point of this exercise is to break down those interactions to identify what parts are keeping you from being fully intimate."
I left their apartment with a fresh bounce to my step. Now that I could see the mess that had been burdening me for so long, I had a feeling that great sex was within my reach.
FIND MORE
I Did It For Science: Female Pick-Up Artist - What happens when a woman plays The Game?
I Did It For Science: Selling Panties on Craigslist - Can I make money hawking dirty laundry?
Q&A with Debby Herbenick, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction
Commentarium (12 Comments)
i'm sorry, the photo of the panties- is that real? girl needs to size up, that's gotta be uncomfortable.
Ew. Am I the only one who finds the couple super-creepy?
Forced intimacy with needy strangers for money seems like a really good way to neglect real intimacy.
Quite interesting, a good read all around IMO.
The person who wrote this seems very immature.
I agree, N. This was kind of odd. I couldnt imagine signing up for something like this.
it is weird, but curiously interesting. I like her naive approach. I guess there is a time/moment for all of us when we realise that, YES, we can have what we want! And isn't it reassuring that now we can pay for it if we can't find it ourselves.
I liked the writing. This was refreshing and honest.
For those of you who are disparaging her for being "immature," for partying all night, or for hooking up with drunk people, she's in her 20s for crying out loud. Have you completely forgotten what it's like to be young and foolish?
I appreciated her honesty and that she opened up a rather embarrassing part of her life to us to demonstrate a rather brave attempt at gaining some self-awareness.
Not sure how it can be considered "slow sex" if you're jumping into intimate physical contact with people you hardly know, who are trying to "push past your boundaries" by engaging in contact that is uncomfortable for you. It just doesn't sound particuarly "slow..."
"Sorry, you didn't finish"...I think this is a problem for a lot of women. If you want pleasure you not only have to ask for it, you have to take responsibility for it. Good for you for exploring your sexuality, but you have some work to do, girl!
Beside the Slow ( or not so Slow ) sex dilemma. I think that if this couple helped someone' s sexuality to improve, as odd as their methods might be or as odd as it seems that a girl lets her boyfriend kisses someone else' s nipples... it worked. for this girl.
There are a lot of inner issues going on on everybody and a little perspective always help.
As I was reading this I was finding it hard not to see the writer as a 17 year old virgin.
In the peak of your 20s she is as she stated "at the peak of her desirableness".
There's only one reason she felt differently. Maybe if she hadn't been silly and "made sure my bedmate was a) not an alcoholic and b) someone I really trusted." she wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
This was really inspiring. As someone who's got a lot of baggage from past sexual trauma, I want to thank you for inspiring me to look into sexual therapy - look at that, not only is it okay for women to have problems with sex, but we can actually find help for them, too! The fact that you could open up and get help for such an intimate, uncomfortable thing makes me think maybe I can, too.
As for people who are saying that the couple are "super creepy," or whatever, hey... I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation, but I think the point here is that it worked for the author and that's what matters.