Experiment:

To determine whether it is possible (and if possible, advisable) to have a discreet orgasm in public, using remote-controlled, vibrating underwear.

Hypothesis: State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

Masturbation and I go way back. Ever since I discovered the many joys of a running faucet, getting myself off in new and varied ways has been a combination of pleasure-seeking and puzzle-solving that has landed me a good many toys, products and accoutrements over the years. However, despite my willingness to publicly write about sexing, I maintain Masonic levels of secrecy when it comes to the actual deed; the notion of getting off in public is thus at once titillating and a total nightmare. But given the proper circumstances (loud noises, incognito vibrations, several well-placed dirty thoughts), I am confident that heightened arousal is possible. Orgasm, ahoy.

Materials:Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).

One generously donated Club Vibe remote-control bullet vibrator, complete with machine-washable thong, audio sensor and iPod hookup (tagline: Pleasure Remixed)
Two AAA batteries (Energizer)
One vagina (mine)
One city (New York)

Methods: Describe, step by step, what you did in your experiment.

After picking up my remote-controlled vibrator from Babeland, I ran (or to be more accurate, "skipped gleefully") to a nearby café to use their bathroom as a makeshift insertion laboratory. A few minutes later, I was strapped into a lacy, black one-size-fits-most thong, with a tiny, pink bullet-vibrator in my vagina, the remote control clipped onto my hip. The Club Vibe offers three settings: ambient, music and manual. In music mode, it connects directly to an iPod or mp3 player. In manual, it promises "seven ass-shaking vibration patterns." I set the control to "ambient," where the vibe responds to the tone and intensity of all of the noise surrounding you (the packaging recommends trying out a club setting, so that your nether regions will be "pulsating to the DJ's jams"). I cranked the controls up to eleven and set out to feel the world.

The second I stepped outside, a huge semi rumbled down the street and I had the distinct feeling that I was being paged — and the call was coming from inside my vagina. A honking horn amped the paging feeling up so much that I was sure some fellow pedestrian would notice and out me. The sensation itself fell somewhere between lounging in a massage chair and standing directly in front of the speakers at a particularly bass-heavy concert, the resonance rattling your sternum. Each of the city's white noises had its own corresponding buzz — the wind blowing at the right angle caused the vibe to shiver, car doors slamming gave a brief staccato burst. I was able to walk near enough to one loud, inscrutable argument that I felt like a participant, the machine hammering away at my g-spot as though it had an axe to grind. All of these were startling, but ultimately pleasant. Thusly stimulated, I met some friends at a bar for phase two of the experiment.

My goal was to keep my experiment secret; I hoped that would heighten the illicit aspect of the experience. But apparently word about electronic underpants travels faster than my speedy bullet. "It's like the clapper!" exclaimed a friend, putting his hands together very, very near to my vag. The experiment went rogue very quickly after that, and in a matter of a beer or two my remote control was passed around the table, while various folks played DJ with my pussy. I was hooked up to iPods and PSPs, and my vagina competed in a game of "Name That Tune!" Although my taste in music runs along the Wu Tang/sad-folk-singer spectrum, it appears that my vagina responds more intensely to show tunes and, um, Ave Maria.

The evening hit a vibratory high note once people began speaking, laughing, screaming and singing directly into the remote's internal speaker (Lisa Loeb's "Stay" made a brief, unfortunate appearance). One intrepid volunteer took charge of my remote and began singing songs from Disney movies (Beauty and the Beast and Pocahontas, specifically) into my vagina. Before he could hit one saccharine chorus, the room exploded with laughter, and my remote was overcome with the combination of song, laughter, and ambient bar noise. The bullet vibrated exuberantly, joyfully, like its little AAA life depended on it. I was near tears. It wasn't the same as hot, raw sexual arousal, but it was close.

Commentarium (39 Comments)

Jun 25 09 - 12:14am
TJC

Wow...I want one!!

Jun 25 09 - 12:20am
mg

you're adorable and i love you.

Jun 24 09 - 1:53pm
SNK

To make this experiment to work, I think you should conduct it again, but then on other people then yourself. Don't tell them to have an orgasm, but just count the statistics of people that had an orgasm and how many did it discretely. I know this is a kind of daft proposition, but when you do this kind of experiments on your own, you are biased and therefore the results aren't clean (no punt intended).

Jun 24 09 - 2:56pm
mo

Wow - you're fun, smart, cute and adventurous! What a great combination!

Jun 24 09 - 6:24pm
DC

Only in New York...

Jun 24 09 - 7:41pm
mpb

A friend of mine who does sex parties had an "Easter egg hunt" in which several women agreed to wear the insertable vibrating egg, and then the wireless remotes were handed out, and whoever figured out the egg-wearers won some sort of prize. I didn't go, so I'm not sure how it went, but of course this reminded me of that concept.

Jun 25 09 - 2:36pm
mlk

i loved this! i love you! more please :)

Jun 25 09 - 7:46pm
pjw

This is brilliantly written and executed. You almost wrote an ad for this device. I'll be getting one.

Jun 25 09 - 8:08pm
TFT

I think that it might be fun to have multiple implants that would stimulate erogenous zones of all kinds. Then one could play games like MPH suggests on a grander scale. Fun article. At some point all sex may become virtual - will this qualify to win the Turing prize, or at least the Annie Sprinkle version?

Jun 25 09 - 9:50pm
AET

"Having now experienced a gay man singing into my vagina", is without a doubt, the wackiest bit of writing I've read. Very funny!

Jun 26 09 - 12:00pm
bf

I love this. Keep up the experiment, every day.

Jun 26 09 - 1:07pm
dwp

i will launch an investigation immediately

Jun 26 09 - 7:39pm
HA

The funniest article I have ever studied... and yeh intresting too...

Jun 26 09 - 7:54pm
nra

You'd have enjoyed it a lot more and even had a BIG O if your experiment was double-blinded - i.e., you didn't know the exact type of music that would excite you and you had no knowledge of the people msg'ing the iPod!

Jun 26 09 - 8:27pm
sc

I love this story. I would never be able to keep publicly acceptable behavoir about my self. They would swear I was having sezures.

Jun 26 09 - 10:44pm
bei

been looking into gettin one,want to give my boyfriend CONTROL when we go out to eat i want him to push the button e'time he wants to see me smile!

Jun 26 09 - 11:53pm
LT

Very entertaining piece--I hope you do more of them. Still, I can't help but think that that device has to be one of the purest examples of American let's-sell-people-shit-they-really-don't-need consumerism. Is there ANYTHING that can't be commercialized? Can't the orgasm be safe? They're free!

Jun 28 09 - 4:16pm
ME

Excellent! god am I going to try it

Jun 30 09 - 6:08pm
lb

loved this! especially loved the documentation! every did it for science should have photographic evidence.

Jul 02 09 - 2:42am
qsdf

whatafunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Jul 04 09 - 12:01pm
MMG

Remember "When Harry Met Sally"? Imagine if she had been wearing this in that cafe scene.

Jul 04 09 - 12:02pm
LD

If there was a counterpart product for guys to wear, just imagine how embarrassing, and then how wet, this could become!

Jul 06 09 - 7:37am
Jo

Unfortunately I dont have a vagina. But I can replace that vibrator!

Jul 06 09 - 4:38pm
SJR

Good writing! Fun info and well written.

Jul 08 09 - 11:08am
EB

wow thts pretty awesome, i want one!!!! >.<

Jul 08 09 - 10:14pm
D.D.

Women have told me that a bullet in the vagina begins to make them feel numb down there after a while. I wonder about other girls experiences with it.

Jul 13 09 - 8:31pm
jc

awesome!! that's an amazingly written testimonial!!

Jul 25 09 - 3:02pm
WAK

Excellent writing, very witty. I find myself wondering what sonic frequency/ rhythm is most likely to produce an orgasmic result. But vaginas are moody creatures. I don't have one, myself (though I've always been a big fan and supporter), but my own experiments suggest they aren't just utterly Pavlovian in their response to stimulus; set, setting and emotional state seem to more often than not have an e
affect on these dear, ever mysterious critters.

Jul 21 12 - 1:08pm
acg

you, mr dear sir are quite the enlightened individual ;)

Aug 04 09 - 3:43pm
mtc

You should try this again with the vibrator on your clit, where it's about 100 times more likely to make you come. There are numerous models designed to wear under your clothes: http://www.love-shop.biz/vibrators/strapon-clitoral-vibrators/index.html

Dec 09 09 - 4:27pm
afi

Now I wish I was a woman to make this experiment myself. Damn...

Dec 21 09 - 10:31pm
mpo

best blog ever!!!
is it IP addressable?

Mar 30 10 - 1:13am
RB

Some days I wish I had a vagina. I think it might be fun, what with always wanting to fuck and such.

May 18 10 - 4:24am
Adult Toys

thanks fro the tips.

Jul 16 10 - 2:43am
Vibrators

this is a good experiment.

Nov 23 10 - 3:32pm
Ah

Makes me wish I had a vagina.

Dec 17 10 - 1:22pm
Anon

While dudes do not have a clitoris to use a vibrator on, why not try using a bullet in the bum for prostate stimulation?

Jul 09 11 - 8:24am
Raptor

You should've gone home and turned up your stereo playing dubstep, that''d get you in no time XD

Jan 05 12 - 2:58pm
Toby93

Is it possible too order a few of those panties from you? My girlfriend freaked out when she read this!