I Did It For Science by Grant Stoddard


To literally have sex with myself.


State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

Woody Allen once called masturbation "sex with someone you love." Paul Anka crooned, "You always hurt the one you love." Where these truisms intersect, we shall file my thirtieth and final experiment. At the end of this trial, I will have gone some way toward settling my balance at the karmic bank, as well as that of any hetero guy who ever begged his girl for a back-door key.

Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).

Make Your Own Dildo kit:
Bucket
Penis tube
Scrotum bowl
Molding Gel in powdered form
Rubber solution (a)
Rubber solution (b)
Thermometer
Stirring stick
Easy-to-follow instructions

Harness
Water
Lube
Razor
Assistant
Asssortment of pornography

In this portion of your report, you must describe, step-by-step, what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.

Recently, I met Nerve's editor for lunch. With a heavy heart, I told him that after nearly three years of writing about my monthly sexual experiments, there was little left for me to do. "Well, you can fuck yourself," he scowled from across the table.

"Listen, I don't mean to leave you in the lurch, Michael," I said. "But I just don't see where I can go from here." (He had previously decided that all of my new ideas — most of which involved being dispatched to the Perfect 10 mansion — would only prove to be experiments in shark jumping.)

"No, I mean fuck yourself for science."

"How do you propose I do that?"

"Mold your dick, then have someone strap it on." Obviously. "It would be a great finale to the column."

In the past, I had received plenty of emails suggesting that I take it from a girl wearing a strap-on, and had quickly deleted them. Michael's twist on the idea was as terrifying as it was completely brilliant.

If you could suck your own dick, would you? In high school, it was a truth-or-dare question I would always take the dare on. But like most men, I'd already logged countless hours — and risked irreversible spinal trauma — trying to make it happen. For the record, I came tantalizingly close but ultimately decided it's a gift you're either born with or you're not. Sort of like making that weird shamrock shape with your tongue. However, if there were a correlation between Pilates and the ability to blow one's own horn, I'm certain that it would overtake baseball as the No. 1 youth activity in the country. The Dungeons and Dragons franchise would be devastated.

But I digress. Recruiting lab assistants had proved difficult in previous experiments. But the prospect of putting me through some measure of discomfort and humiliation brought volunteers out in droves. Even people I hardly knew slid out of the woodwork. Ultimately I chose Kat, a tri-sexual woman I'd briefly dated. Kat was renowned for having tried — and mastered — almost every deviant sexual act known to man. As such, she was virtually unshockable. I was comfortable with her, in the way you might be comfortable with a nurse, a rabbi or your drifter uncle.

The company that enabled this experiment is the plaintively titled makeyourowndildo.com. They didn't invent cock molding, but they've certainly been integral in bringing it to the populace at large. Most recently, the Make Your Own Dildo kit was featured in an episode of The Osbournes. I prevailed upon the company to send me a kit, then dutifully blocked out a weekend (along with any notion that my high-school peers would ever read this).

Commentarium (69 Comments)

Mar 18 04 - 1:09am
JM

A great column Grant. But where's the pictures?

Sorry it's your last column.

Mar 18 04 - 1:13am
DS

Don't normally send fan mail, but all of the "Science..." columns were as revelatory as they were brilliant. I'll miss them in the future.

Mar 18 04 - 1:38am
N.F.

Dear Grant Stoddard

With a wince of regret I read today that this months 'I did it for science' was the last. It was in my humble opinion the best series at nerve, and I would have delighted in reading more monthly reports. On the other side it is understandable that one could get a bit weary after nearly four years of going through extraordinary ... well, things, every month. Perhaps you could pour these articles into a book? I would be happy to buy one, and more for my friends here in Germany. I'd even translate :)
Your column will be missed and I hope you will write again; and if you are ever in need of a tour guide in Berlin, don't hesitate to ask.

Best Wishes,

Mar 17 04 - 3:03pm
ts

Nooooooooooooo! Don't leave us Grant!

Mar 17 04 - 3:21pm
CL

this column was by far the best thing that ran on nerve. i'm gonna miss it. i hope we'll still be treated to other frequent writings by mr. stoddard.

Mar 17 04 - 3:26pm
ACG

BRAVO MAN.

We're gonna miss you.

Mar 17 04 - 5:05pm
yy

you know, ever since i started reading this column, i fantasized about one day having sex with you, grant, and being part of one of these adventures. but i suppose you have no more need for volunteers... thankfully, the fact the column won't continue doesn't mean you're becoming celibate, right? so i still have hope. come back to new york!

Mar 17 04 - 5:07pm
mo

grant!!! i cant believe this is it.

Mar 17 04 - 5:36pm
GB

Grant,

I have enjoyed your column for years. I thank you for bringing light to topics that I might have, in the past, ignored or deemed too crazy to do...and I have done some crazy shit. Anyways, thanks for the great stories. Best of luck.

Mar 17 04 - 5:49pm
CM

Grant,
I will hand the article out as a manifesto for any guy requesting the same. Thanks for paving the way.

Mar 17 04 - 6:23pm
JW

Grant and Nerve,

Just wanted to say thank you to Grant for being a great sport and a great writer. I've really enjoyed (and yes, looked forward to) your column in Nerve. This last 'experiment' is definitely the icing on the cake, and it's great to see that you 'took it like a man'. I hope you'll continue to write for Nerve and give the rest of society something interesting to talk or think about. Thanks again, cheers!

John

Mar 17 04 - 6:27pm
VHD

Grant, don't let this be your last. There's plenty of shit you can still do! Fuck a chicken! Do watersports! Uhhh....... *something!*

At least switch to a tri-monthy schedule. Could you do that?

Mar 17 04 - 7:40pm

So, are we gonna get a female Did it for Sciencer?

Mar 17 04 - 8:22pm
MA

As a hetero woman, I'd like to say that there is little sexier than a man willing to take in the backside. I'm proud of you, Grant.

Mar 17 04 - 8:27pm
wbs

Grant, you are worthy. "A". (Pics required for "A+" ;-)

Mar 17 04 - 8:29pm
KAC

Grant, you rock. I'm going to miss "I Did It for Science" so much.

Mar 17 04 - 8:49pm
YAL

Thanks for a great run and a great series of stories. I have to say i am truely sad to read this as your last article. These stories and you have been my hero for the past few years, reminding me to write wittier edgier stories, be more willing to make an ass of myself in a gamble for more life adventures, and just be freakier in the sack.

I hope you'll keep taking it in the ass and telling us all about it in future columns for Nerve.

Thanks so much again for this great great column. really! thank you!

Mar 17 04 - 9:30pm
RES

as a fairly recent viewer of the nerve site, i was somewhat disappointed to find that the I Did It For Science column is leaving... however, it did make me subscribe so that i could read your archived reports. brilliant job! good luck on your next projects!

Mar 17 04 - 11:13pm
RDT

Fantastic, bloody hilarious mate. Like most others i thought this was the best column at nerve, you never ceased to make me laugh.

If you ever decide to come to Australia let me know, its the best place to be down under!!

Cheers

Mar 18 04 - 1:23pm

I'm so sad! You're why I read Nerve! Boo hoo.

Mar 18 04 - 2:59am
ndm

It's a shame to see it end, Grant. To tell you the truth, your final remarks could have been more substantive. Designating "men should get fucked in the ass" as an over-arching theme to your tenure was a bit cheap considering your rich and diverse experiences. I was hoping for something more philosophical.

But that's just quibbling over a few details. You series was great and your tone is fabulous. I don't know what your new direction is, but I wish you well.

Mar 18 04 - 6:10am
TB

If I ever lived vicariously through someone else's experiences in my life, it would be yours, Grant. Hats off for bravely doing what I would never have the balls to do myself. It's been a wonderful ride - hope to see you continuing to write for Nerve in some capacity for other. Cheers mate.

Mar 18 04 - 8:33am
FS

I'm sad to hear that this is your last article, I have really enjoyed your pieces. Thank you!

Mar 18 04 - 11:11am
bbbb

i feel robbed. i only started reading "nerve" in July & i've come to look forward to reading grant's adventures on a monthly basis.

grant--thank you allowing me to live vicariously through your column. continue with the good work in other areas of "nerve."

Mar 18 04 - 11:43am
REM

"We've talked, and neither of us consider this a breech [sic] of our agreement." Interesting Freudian slip there!

Mar 18 04 - 12:32pm
ME

GRANT!!! Don't say I didn't tell you this one would change the way you viewed sex and yourself. I'm proud of you. Though, if this is really your last column, Nerve is a far, far, far bleaker place. For too long, you've sadly been the best thing Nerve has to offer. It's a big loss for what, a few years ago, used to be one of my favorite websites. Once again with this column you showed why you were perfect to write these: it was open, emotional, and vulnerable. Well done, as always, Grant. The perfect finish for a great column. You will be sorely missed.

Mar 18 04 - 3:19pm
JDR

Grant,

That was one of the most honest pieces I've read in years... thanks so much for being so open to possibilities like you have been.

It leaves me with just two questions: Are you single, and where do you live?

Heh.

:) Jenn
jenn@hiddenself.com

Mar 18 04 - 4:17pm
PC

grant. enjoyed the "openess" to your writing.
it was a great piece and finale.

Mar 18 04 - 5:05pm
AWV

Good-bye, Grant!

It has been SO much fun reading of your adventures throughout the years.

Best of luck!

Mar 18 04 - 5:12pm
MD

Grant! dont go! ---- just wanted to say that your columns rock...even though this last one was a bit freaky........ What do you mean you can't think of anything else to do? Can there really only be 30 freaky things to do? Why not have a "suggestion box" on the site?

I'll leave you with a comment I used to get a lot from my mother when I was a kid. I would say, "Mom, I'm bored, there's nothing to do" and she would reply, "If you're bored, then you're a boring person! Be creative."

Mar 18 04 - 5:57pm
bm

Sorry to see the end of this Grant. I really enjoyed the IDIFS column.

Mar 18 04 - 6:46pm
dxh

I am heart broken that there will be no more Grant exploits. I actually printed out the pictures of you and the sex doll, they are on my fridge. People always want to know who you are. Why didn't we get to see an image of the completed toy? Now that would have been interesting!

Mar 18 04 - 7:54pm
JJJJ

Grant say it isn't so
how will i get kinky ideas for future dates. Try a variation on this columum. like "I did it for fun" or just do the experiments over agian and try varying the contoled conditions. well it has been cool. so stay cool Grant

Mar 18 04 - 9:08pm
bc

IDIFS was the primary reason for my subscription. It brought me back every month. I thought every article was outstanding! Please let this be you working for an encore, and if so, consider the responses the audience cheering refusing to leave their seats. DON'T GO, GRANT!

Mar 19 04 - 12:37am
GC

A more appropriate moment for a 'bravo' has never before been witnessed. Congratulations, Grant, on all of your work for this ongoing piece. I've enjoyed basically all of them, and this one is really the icing on the cake. Next time a new idea occurs to you tho, don't be afraid to write it and post it as a special occasion. I'll be reading.

Mar 19 04 - 4:52pm
cbr

Of all the things I've learned from your column over the years, who knew that the most interesting would be that the girl who gave it to you up the ass and I both keep our sex toys/condoms in Muppet lunchboxes!

Mar 19 04 - 9:53pm
mt

Grant, way to go out like a real trooper. I was one of those readers, begging for a girl to fuck you up the ass and you did it as your finale. My sadness to your leaving is probably very similar to your "open" feeilng: empty yet satisfied. Cheers!

Mar 19 04 - 10:04pm
JB

I'm so sorry to see this incredibly funny, always entertaining feature come to an end. Grant's writing has always conveyed a sense of "Hey, we're friends, can I tell you something?" And it's thanks to him that I've learned what some of that freaky shit is like, since I'll most likely not have the chance to see for myself.

Takes a lot for a guy to let a woman strap one on and go to town. Thanks for making Nerve one of my all-time favorite sites. We love you, Grant!!!

Mar 20 04 - 12:54am
Sara

That was a great way to go out. Sorry to see Grant end the colum, but I can completely understand why. I would hope Nerve would revive this colum with a new 'experimenter'. Perhaps we can get a woman's point of view!

Mar 20 04 - 2:10am
bet

We'll miss you Grant! I love the idea of a woman taking over the reins on IDIFS. Or, oooohh! Maybe a couple! Like a lascivious science team!

Mar 20 04 - 3:40pm
ms

Oh, Grant. Your father and I will have to move now.

Mom

Mar 21 04 - 12:54am
BT

What a fitting end to a brilliant column! Grant, I'm truly saddened that this was your last foray into the realm of sexual (mis)adventures. Your column was defintely one of the best on Nerve and I look foward to hopefully seeing other writings from you in the future. By the way, I think you're incredibly hot...:-)! Good luck in the future...

Mar 21 04 - 2:04am
pvs

A certain red haired mistress sent me to your story. It
was a fair read. Quite entertaining. I am reminded of a
certain australian fellow I know who used to lead a gay/straight mens workshop once a week. He would be all
about cuddling and male bonding until touch got within
any area of a pair of boxer briefs. One day we were sitting
and chatting in his front yard and he told me about getting
stroked as you mentioned by a girlfriend. As a gay man I found it hilarious. If the fear is to loose your machoness
to another man, then I thought wouldn't loosing it to a woman be worse? What about just be amazed with all the ways
your own body can provide elements of pleasure? We pick up
so much baggage between 10 and 17. It takes years to unwind
from it. Consider my gayness, I could be bi but most american woman, frankly all have balked at having sex with me not that my conquest attempts are large. But I have beded
the standard spartan 100 or more of men in my time in one way or another. Men are alot cheaper to date. Next time you fuck your self try flushing first with an enema you will find less pain that way. Another fun tool is a Zuccinni, peel and coat with olive oil. you may never look at them on your plate the same way again. ciao Timefire.

Mar 21 04 - 4:22pm
MES

This column is/was the best thing on Nerve.com. Well, minus the personals. I'm looking forward to reading whatever you write in the future!

Mar 21 04 - 7:49pm
lect

1 <3 you, grant!

Mar 21 04 - 10:11pm
SaD

Too tired to write much- that article really took a lot out of me! Whewww... But I must say-
YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I look forward to this column every month- it's the exact kind of twisted humor / knowledge / entertainment that is so rare to find...
Are you going to compile these into a book?
Do you need more ideas for the columns?
Hmm.
Best of luck- thanjs for making me smile-

Mar 21 04 - 11:30pm
CC

Congrulations on going all the way, but it needn't have hurt you so much.

An experienced strap-on chick like Kat could have trained you over successive encounters to accept a cock as large as your own. Nobody should feel the pressure to "take it all" the first time.

I hope you will keep writing for Nerve.
xxx Camille.

Mar 23 04 - 7:52pm
np

i can't believe this is the very last "i did it for science." thanks for making it a good one.

Mar 24 04 - 10:16am
jak.

Haha! i must say... that was a good read. especially the last bits..rock on man!

Mar 24 04 - 4:07pm
mds

I just hope this really isn't the end of his column. Fantastic stuff- and genuinely funny, as well as informative. PLEASE keep him doing it- or at least writing for you for a while!

Mar 24 04 - 6:55pm
ABV

Loved your column for a little more than 2 years now, will miss it now that it's gone.

Looking forward to what you're doing next.

Mar 24 04 - 10:14pm
JD

I truly enjoyed this column and am sad to see it go. I must agree that a book of these things would be truly awesome and worth shelling out some of my limited cash. BOOK, BOOK! Your loyal fans demand a BOOK!

Mar 25 04 - 12:50pm
SH

Too bad these are finally over. I've enjoyed reading them for a long time. You're fucking awesome! More men should be as brave as you are :-)

Mar 25 04 - 8:29pm
lgw

A great end to a great column!! Great job, Grant. This is definitely a big pay off to those of us who've been reading all these years (and apparently a pretty satisfying one for you). Your insightful experiments will be missed!

Mar 25 04 - 11:53pm
cl

what, no pictures for the "taking it in the ass" experiment? lol

Mar 26 04 - 10:59am
PL

This is the first column of yours that I've ever read. As a sex educator, I think it was great! I didn't know about those make-your-own-dildo kits and I think I will gift my partner with one on his birthday. Thanks for a great idea. Good luck w/ whatever you're doing next.

Mar 27 04 - 9:20am
HT

Nice job, Grant. My wife and I cast my member 2 years ago and she has become quite the strap on master. Thanks for turning on the rest of the world.
We'll miss you...

Mar 28 04 - 2:41am
DF

Absolutely fantastic writing! I laughed and commiserated and was sorely tempted to print the article for my boyfriend. Descriptions were spot on and results were truthful. You're a man after my own heart. Thank you!

Mar 29 04 - 3:31am
RN

Grant, your column was a work of art! Best sex writing I've read.

Mar 29 04 - 7:21pm
SS

I concur -- the IDIFS book is an idea whose time has come. Grant, your column will be sorely missed. Thank you for the litany of laughs and thought provoking writing.

Mar 29 04 - 9:23pm
VH

Grant
You rock! I remember the first "I Did It for Science" you ever did and have been a fan ever since - you bring what is purportedly "freaky" to the mainstream folks in a way that is amusing, entertaining, human and fun. Thanks for opening up a whole new world to many many people!

Mar 30 04 - 11:28pm
dbb

haha and to think i used to lay in bed next to you and wonder if you were gay. silly me.

Apr 01 04 - 12:38pm
dad

shut up m3 you're an idiot. Grant my boy, I couldn't be prouder. your mom's been rogering me for years.

Apr 06 04 - 4:43am
jk

Great work! You may have done it for science, but science is very slow at sending thank you notes. However, the lay heterosexuals (of both genders; you know, the traditional polarized genders) who read your column having not done the deed, who then take it upon themselves to explore the wisdom you've put in print (it's about time), these people will benefit. Swoon, even.

I am a sometimes-het, sometimes-bi woman who's had the indubitable pleasure and privelege of being on both sides of the equation (if both sides do make an equation, which they really don't, cuz the strap-on sets I've donned didn't make good clit contact, and as we all know, he has a prostate whereas she does not).

I'm sad to discover your column at its termination. I do, however, need a job. Are they looking for a woman to succeed you? To whom do you think I should apply?

Utmost sincerity,
Julia Klems
mesuena@yahoo.com

Apr 07 04 - 2:40am
KMS

Nooooo! Don't give up.

You've still so much more ground to cover.

I think you're selling the series short. I've probably only read a little over half of them - but I still think you're missing a lot of material. The subtleties, all the psychological aspects. What about all the dodgy things that regular men do at some point - compromising your standards - go large, go grey, mess with a nice girls mind, etc., etc. The regular things, maybe only slightly naughty, but reported with some actual honesty for a change.

Plus I think that a couple of your experiements really weren't your best effort. Come'on - you have to admit that the drug one was not one of finer moments - that alone could be expanded into 3 or 4 separate 'experiments'. I think that if you want to be the defining journalist in a field you just defined: you still have some work to do.

But I presume you have your reasons - and the finale was a nice way to go out.

Good luck and - Cheers
KMS

Oct 08 09 - 8:04pm
NJS

This was a fantastic article. I laughed out loud, seriously. I am really sad to see this is the end. I look forward to reading you past and future work. Wish you much luck!

Dec 24 09 - 12:05am
jmj

This is the first artical of his i read and it is the last WHY!!!!!!!

Apr 29 10 - 11:17pm
Kiki the Cat

Ewwww!

May 02 10 - 1:26am
mlm

I loved this. This is the first column I have read of yours, but I thought it was awesome. I would really imagine these things happen. I could feel the awkwardness and how even though it was awkward you were till ok with going through with it. It made me laugh as well. A very interesting read. Thanks =)