To attend a porn star's Christmas party.


State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

I've never gotten any action at a holiday party. That's pretty pathetic, considering that I've attended the Nerve Christmas throw down for the last three years in a row. It's probably because I didn't drink the free booze fast enough and was prematurely sobered up by my co-workers' lewd behavior. Now I've been invited to a porn star's holiday bash, where getting some play should be a sure thing.

Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).

Date (one, jetlagged, English)

In this portion of your report, you must describe, step-by-step, what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.

There's no social ritual more excruciatingly awful than a company holiday party: having to pretend to like the douche-bags in sales; being obligated to hang out with (read: quote Monty Python scripture with) the tech support crew, resplendent in their matching Santa hats and Babylon 5 T-shirts; drunkenly making a pass at the new intern within earshot of the office gossip. Before you know it, you're vomiting well liquor to the beat of Wham!'s "Last Christmas" before being stuffed in a cab. Yet another reason to quit the nine-to-five grind and become a beekeeper.

When a friend of mine told me I should go to her friend's work-related Christmas party last weekend, I told her I'd rather rub mustard in my eyes. Bah humbug, indeed. She then casually mentioned that the line of work was hardcore porn, one of the industry's leading sirens would be the hostess and the party was intended to be a type of free-form bacchanal. She had my attention.

It makes no sense to me that porn stars would screw each other at their holiday party. They've been doing that all year. It must be kind of like turning up to your firm's Christmas throw-down and doing a spot of filing, making some copies or giving a presentation. I'd imagine if I'd been shagging for six or seven hours a day for the past twelve months, I'd sooner celebrate the Yule season with a bridge night or a Jessica Tandy movie marathon. In any case, I said that I'd certainly be into checking it out.

The next day, I received an evite from the hosts. The party was being thrown by Siouxsie, a renowned, beautiful and award-winning adult star — whose work and likeness I happened to be far too familiar with — and her husband, Jack.

The invitation was particularly festive: full of Christmas imagery, the wording upbeat and cheerful. Neither of the hosts drink, the evite read, but guests were free to bring their own booze. Condoms and lube were to be supplied, but if attendees had a brand preference they were welcome to bring it along. In addition, guests who were still humping away come sunrise were invited to a post-fuckfest brunch at a "bizarre landmark Los Angeles diner" that is "always a surreal experience." That got me thinking: After an all- night porn star Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa shagathon, how bizarre does a greasy spoon have to be to qualify as a "surreal experience"?

As you may or may not recall, I'd been to an "orgy" before, although it wasn't called that. The organizers of One Leg Up evenings go to great lengths to identify their events as upscale "sensual soirees." That's all well and good, but I found Siouxsie and Jack's invite to an all-out clusterfuck more appealing. I was also intrigued by an open invitation to shag someone that I had spent a nominal percentage of my life wanking over.

One logistical problem: the night of the party, I had to pick up a friend at LAX who was arriving from London. Not only would Charlotte be all kinds of jetlagged, I'd always thought of her as a bit of a prude. I called her and asked if attending a "risque Christmas party" would present a problem. She told me that she wouldn't mind at all. Wicked!

I'd solved one problem (finding the mandatory female to turn up with) but seemed to have created quite another: I'd been mad crushing Charlotte since we were sixteen. Back then, she'd mistaken my marked unpopularity for some sort of deliberate individuality and became a charming, beautiful but resoundingly platonic friend. She'd flown 6,000 miles to hang out with me for a week and we were going to be going almost directly from the airport to a cock-and-vag buffet. I consoled myself by thinking that ten-plus years of come-ons had been far too subtle. Perhaps taking her to an orgy would highlight that my intentions were totally dishonorable. Perhaps tonight would be the night!

Thankfully, Charlotte seemed no worse for wear when I picked her up on an atypically cold and drizzly L.A. evening. In fact, she looked even better than ever. We caught up over dinner at a Caribbean restaurant — where I smirkingly ordered the jerk pork — and I showed her the Sunset Strip in all its glory before turning onto the 101.

Siouxsie and Jack, the party hosts, live downtown. Their particular neighborhood looked like downtown Beirut on bad day. As we drove deeper in, Charlotte started to look extremely worried, and I couldn't blame her. We parked, and I let Tupac sing one more chorus of "California Love" (California knows how to party) before taking everything of value out of the car and double-checking every lock. Twice. Jack and Siouxsie's building looked like the bombed-out shell of a movie theater surrounded by a fifteen-foot chain-link fence. Charlotte and I found each other's hands and walked with trepidation to the entrance. Slightly in front of us strode an attractive, conservative couple in their early thirties, brandishing a pricy-looking bottle of red wine. In all the excitement of picking up Charlotte, I forgot to pick up a gift. My mum would kill me if she knew I turned up to a houseparty empty-handed. I was raised better than that.

Commentarium (17 Comments)

Dec 25 09 - 7:11pm
lkk

Were they the only two uninvolved with all the frolicking and merry-making? How odd.

Dec 27 09 - 5:57am
bjk

First time reading any of your stuff. Found it very funny. Thanks.

Dec 27 09 - 12:21pm
DN

The ring of truth. Someone (maybe Stoddard) will use it in a novel. I have to wonder, though, what Charlotte was doing when she went out for the breath of "fresh air." Valet, heh?

Dec 27 09 - 4:29pm
fir

Thank the LAWD Grant is back!

Dec 27 09 - 8:21pm
BZ

High school never really ends. There are cliques in every social situation, and it is difficult to break into one if you are not already in. Great article though. Some pictures would have been nice.

Dec 27 09 - 8:54pm
JCF

Grant isn't really back. This is from the archives. I wish Nerve would label them better.

Dec 28 09 - 1:56pm
LCH

Swingers are the WORST! It is just like high school or jr high. They didn't get laid back then and now the have something to prove to themselves.

Dec 28 09 - 12:16pm
jt

A sweet and slightly melancholy story that involves fisting. Well done.

Dec 29 09 - 1:09am
MJS

At the risk of disagreeing with the conclusion - I brought an unrequited work crush to a hardcore porn event, and it worked wonders. We were making out passionately within an hour, and in bed within a week. Good times. :)

Dec 30 09 - 10:15am
acd

Congrats on polishing a boring turd of a story! Very funny despite nothing happening that would shock or titillate any man out of middle school.

Dec 30 09 - 10:16am
jf

annnnnd this is why you go to this sort of party stag. always.

Feb 13 10 - 10:53pm
MANO

For the Lord comes as a theft in the night - I say watch for him for you know not at which hour HE comes.

Jul 28 10 - 8:58pm
SensualPageant

Like MJS, I brought a relatively-new date to a swing party, and it worked wonders as well... we've been married five years now, and still talk about that night...

Oct 01 10 - 9:11pm
serialcoder

Respect to the author of original work. I am want to say thanks for funny post, and thanks to google and yahoo for perfect blog search.

Oct 26 10 - 11:48pm
spoon

It can be hard to fit in at such a party, but to fit in you have to be hard.

Feb 09 11 - 2:52am
Keygen Amira

nice, you wrote a nice one.

Dec 03 11 - 2:16am
DonHerbarni

I enjoyed this, great stuff! Stop by and say hi sometime hotels in windermere