Quantify the effects of the experiment.

I was so concerned with hooking this trio up that I hadn't thought about how everything would go down. As we pulled into my hosts' driveway and Zach rose with a start, I realized this was a highly inappropriate staging area for a clusterfuck. There was a baby upstairs, for God's sake. Julia, Zach and I filed into the guest bedroom and sat there quietly.

Suddenly, inspiration. "Why don't we jump in the pool?" I suggested.

My two new friends looked at each other, wide-eyed. "What? It's freezing!"

This underlined a trans-continental difference of opinion. It was a balmy sixty-seven degrees out.

"Is the pool heated?" Julia asked.

"Of course," I lied. In retrospect, my pool idea was a stroke of genius, designed to turn three people sitting in a guest bedroom into three people going at it like crazy. We'd all just strip off and dive in together, like the wild and crazy kids we were. We'd all be naked; it would be silly and fun. I shucked my clothes off and helped Julia get out of hers. The soft moonlight gave us all a vague idea of each others' bodies. After Zach battled with his sneakers and regained his balance, he unfastened Julia's bra while I pulled her panties over the formidable curvature of her butt. Crouched on one knee, I took in its moonlit majesty. I looked up and saw a sinewy Zach simultaneously admiring Julia's bootyliciousness. It actually felt great to share in the euphoria of disrobing a beautiful girl.

Even though she was frantically trying to rub warmth into her arms, a giggling Julia delighted in the reverence we were giving her body. She looked us both up and down and put a hand on the small of our backs. "Very nice!" she smiled. "Let's go!" I said, grabbing Julia's left hand and motioning Zach to grab her right one. Giggling, Julia shook her hands free and grabbed our wangs instead. "Okay, ready boys? One . . . two . . . three . . . GO!" she said, giving us both a squeeze for every syllable. I was so relieved that we'd gotten naked that I forgot how loud four hundred pounds of flesh and bone hitting the water can be. Luckily, the splash was partially drowned out by gasps and high-pitched squeals.

"HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!" yelled Zach.

"THIS POOL IS NOT HEATED!" gasped Julia.

"SHHHHHH!" I said, waiting for a bedroom light to flick on or the baby to wake up. "They must have turned off the heat."

There was no "It'll be okay after a minute" talk; the water was indisputably arctic. Each of us grabbed our bundle of clothes and barreled into the guest room. In the ambient light from the pool house, Julia draped her towel around her shoulders while Zach and I tried to rub some life back into our rigs. After we were both dry, Zach and I frantically toweled her off until her teeth stopped chattering. We started kissing her neck, then Julia pulled all of us onto the bed and underneath the luxurious goose-down comforter. Zach and I were on either side of Julia, taking turns making out with her, kissing her bodacious ta-tas and tummy in between fits of giggles from everyone. We were having a threesome, and it couldn't have come about more perfectly. It was the naughtiest thing I'd ever done, but at the same time it felt quite innocent, like kids playing doctor. The only difference was that two of the kids were sporting erections you could hammer nails with.

I knelt over Julia while Zach lay on his side next to her, their left legs intertwined. Curious, I lifted up the comforter to see what I was up against. Yep, just as I had suspected; another man's large, hard penis. Julia's fingers spidered their way down our chests and stomachs; pausing briefly to bite her bottom lip, she simultaneously wrapped them around both of our cocks. I shoved the comforter off the bed entirely so I could watch things happen, my gaze alternating — tennis fan style — between Julia's mischievous face and her ambidextrous handiwork. Zach's face was nuzzled deep in the nape of Julia's neck and covered by ribbons of her long, wet hair. He groaned into Julia's neck, which made her giggle uncontrollably. She and I exchanged a look, then I worked my hand between her thighs, where I found . . .

A hand.

Where I hadn't expected one.

Zach had beaten me to it. He also had a hand on her right breast and his mouth on her left. He was hogging all the best parts! This went on for a couple of minutes, and I started to get antsy. Julia looked like she was having a dream about cross-country skiing. What could I say without bringing the action to a screeching halt? "Hey," I whispered to Zach. "Dude." Nothing. "DUDE!" I said, curtly tapping his hands. "Sorry, man!" he chuckled as he continued to monopolize Julia's torso for a further ten seconds. He reluctantly freed up a breast, but it was the one he'd been drooling all over. It seemed that Zach was fucking with me while he was fucking with me!

"Now, now boys!" said Julia and pulled firmly me by the rig towards the headboard. I followed her lead, kneeling beside her head as she stuffed an extra pillow beneath her neck. Even Zach stopped what he was doing and watched the proceedings. Julia didn't break eye contact; she even winked as she put my old chap on her lips.

"Duuuuude!" Zach breathed in awe. For the first time, he was taking in the gravity of the situation. Julia flipped into full porn starlet mode, holding the base of my unit in one hand and a handful of Zach's curly hair in the other, her eyes darting between our wowed faces. Zach shuffled up the bed and took up a mirror position on Julia's left side. She idly stroked his wagging member with me in her mouth. The sight of Julia partaking at the boner buffet very nearly sent me over the edge. "STOP!" I said, retreating half a moment before passing the point of no return.

Zach was not in a patient mood. With me out of the fray, he straddled Julia's torso, placing his trouser schnauzer an inch from her mouth. Julia just laughed and started going to town on him. Still awed by this six-legged, two-penised, two-breasted golem I had helped give life to, I shuffled down the bed and started kissing the inside of Julia's soft thighs. (Luckily the light was dim enough to conceal the finer details of Zach's ass crack, which was a mere eighteen inches away.) As I went down on Julia, she moaned around a mouthful of Zach and he made a funny squeak. I found this completely hilarious and absurdly sexy. The chorus of Diana Ross' "Chain Reaction" spun on repeat in my head. I couldn't remember the next line. I hate when that happens. It was all I could do to stop myself from asking either of my friends if they knew how it went.

I took two condoms out of my jean pocket and threw one to Zach. I put one on and started fucking Julia, who was now practically shouting around Zach's dick. Zach unstraddled Julia's rib cage and took a side position so he could see what was going on. Immediately after I went in, I was so close to coming that I had to be very, very still if I was going to last more than a minute. That's the thing about a threesome — you're in the strange position of proving your sexual prowess to twice the audience; if you're a two-pump chump, twice the people would know. I dug my fingers into Julia's rounded calves, trying to channel the energy elsewhere, like a lightning bolt trying to find something earthed. Getting used to the heightened visceral experience of something so incredibly hot took a couple of minutes and much visualization of Margaret Thatcher. Eventually, the increased vigor with which I was "bringing it" seemed to be re-enacted at the other end of the bed. Julia was sucking Zach's tool as if it contained the antidote to a tropical disease. It felt like I was driving the bus, and it was good.

Zach looked down at the action. He managed to say "Dude, let me hit that" and make it seem charming. Still drunk, he attempted to the put the condom on backwards four times before finally rolling it down. He put his left hand on Julia's right hip and his right hand on her left; impressively, he spun her onto all fours with a minimum of fuss. As I removed my condom, he started banging away as hard as he could. Julia and I had to make three or four attempts before I was successfully docked in her mouth. Through the conduit of Julia's body, I could feel each of Zach's thrusts on me. This felt both good and alarming. It was like she was a tuning fork, I was the hand holding the tuning fork and Zach was the hard surface on which it was being struck.

Suddenly, Julia's groans seemed ever-so-slightly louder. Was this drunk idiot better than me? I grew concerned. Actually — momentarily — I began to shrink concerned. I regained my composure by convincing myself that I had set the groundwork for Julia's increasingly orgasmic-sounding squeals. It's a bit like when you can't open a jar of applesauce, and you give it to someone else, who pops the lid off effortlessly. You can loudly say, "I must have loosened it for you," and simultaneously steal his thunder while saving face. As I looked into Julia's face — eyes wide and filled with pleasure, mouth agape and filled — I wanted to relay a similar sentiment. Like, "We all know you're about to scream the house down, but let's not forget who laid the foundations, eh?"

With as much fanfare as he could muster, Zach came, then collapsed on both of us. He had lasted a pathetic three minutes and fifty seconds. Yes, I admit I eyed the clock, but just for shits 'n' giggles. My entire left leg was now blanketed in sweaty dude, and I quickly pried myself out. Julia's whispered entreaty "Come on me" resuscitated Zach, who retreated to watch my money shot from a safe distance.

The next half-hour was a fuzzy, semi-conscious blur. I remember having lackadaisical sex with Julia while Zach drooled next to us, face down in his pillow. The next thing I remember, I woke from a doze and saw Zach spooning Julia. Then dawn broke. After Julia helped Zach back into his clothes, we reluctantly got back in the car and drove silently through the misty canyon. We dropped Zach off at a grubby diner for coffee; he was going directly to his day job at a talent agency. He shook my hand and gave Julia a bleary-eyed kiss on the forehead before stumbling away. Not ten seconds later, he came running back. "Listen, I'm playing at the Laugh Factory next Wednesday. You should both come by. Later!"

Julia and I said goodbye. "That was an interesting evening," she giggled. "Let's talk soon." I watched her drive away, grinning, a little bit shocked, replaying the evening's many highlights in my head.




Summarize your findings. Don't forget to attempt to identify possible variables that could result in different findings for others trying to recreate your test results.

There are three kinds of threesomes: beginner (i.e. making out), intermediate (penetration) and advanced (double anal). Although this was a relatively tame experience, it amplified sex beyond anything I knew. It was like starring in a porno of my own making, with attractive, normal people who were doing it for the sake of doing it. It was the ultimate sex for sex's sake: I didn't have to worry about boyfriend-girlfriend jealousy. And the added mental stimulation was revelatory: imagining how Julia would relate the experience to her friends was incredibly hot.

I think it's odd when people refer to their friend or significant other as their "partner in crime," but that's kind of how it felt, the dynamic between Zach, Julia and I. There was something familiar about the feelings that our threesome invoked, like it was second nature. I think that dynamic is often played out in movies although the sexual aspect is often muted. Like Luke, Leia and Han in Star Wars, or Butch Cassidy, the Sundance Kid and Etta. (To that end, I get the feeling that Julia would have been riding on my handlebars to the Bacharach number.) This was the first such experience for Julia and I. I haven't been able to share too many firsts like that, and I felt that I had set up an experience that would be forever carved into our psyches.

Ultimately, I'm amazed this actually went off without a hitch. I had two hot, fun, drunk co-conspirators, the stars were in alignment, and everything went smoother than I could have dreamed. For those reasons, I might be hesitant to try the same thing again. This may have been as good as it gets.

Do you have an idea for Grant's next I Did It for Science? Let him know here.