Love & Sex

I Did It For Science: Using Lube As Hair Product

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“I don’t want to say what I think,” she said, which means it was bad. 

 

HYPOTHESIS

Hot tip for scrappy young writers: tell your editors you’ll do anything for a story. Tell them frequently, but vary the wording. You’re just trying to subliminally establish yourself as the one to be asked to do all the weird stories. Then, when the office gets a giant package emblazoned with “Uberlube,” it will be a package full of personal lubricant slash hair product – just for you. “You’re always saying you’ll do anything, so you can be the one to put lube in your hair and review it!” your editor will say. Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Uberlube is a luxury lubricant which claims to be for “sex, style, and sport.” It’s recommended by doctors! It’s used in hair salons! It’s used by top athletes to eliminate chafing! These claims seemed bold until I did some research: silicone lube is known for being multi-purpose, and can also be used for shaving, conditioning tattoos, and massages. Obviously, in the name of journalism, I had to test the Uberlube.

MATERIALS 

Uberlube, 50 ml bottle

Boyfriend

Somewhat clean hair

METHOD

The details of what went on in my bedroom will stay there, but as lube, Uberlube is fantastic. It’s safe to use with condoms and long-lasting. It isn’t oily or sticky: instead, the descriptor I would probably use is “silky.” It has no scent or taste and doesn’t leave a greasy residue, but just sinks into the skin without a trace. Plus, the packaging is discreet enough that you can leave it on your nightstand without fear. One safety note: silicone lube can’t be used with silicone toys. Also, and this is where this lube review stops being polite and starts getting real: this isn’t the heaviest or thickest lube in town, so depending on your chosen activities you may find yourself using quite a lot of this rather expensive lube. The pump bottle design also only dispenses a small amount of lube at a time, so again, depending on your activities you might find yourself wishing for that Astroglide bottle that you can just pop open and drizzle around.  

On a slow Tuesday afternoon, I asked a coworker to take pictures of my hair, then I went into the bathroom and put lube into it. Uberlube’s packaging is subtle enough that I didn’t feel awkward squirting it into my hand or putting it on the edge of the sink in our big communal bathroom – any of the women coming or going definitely just assumed I was going to town with something from one of those weirdly medical European brands you find at Sephora. Having lost the actual Uberlube instructions, I treated it like any other hair serum: I put about a dime-sized amount into my palm, rubbed my hands together, and then worked it through my hair from around the ears down. (Confession: we were working with second-day hair. My roots did not need any help in the smoothing department.) It immediately felt greasy on the edges, where I first put my hands, and I twisted in the mirror trying to see the back of my hair and work the lube evenly throughout. 

After five minutes of finger-combing it looked a little smoother, maybe. I went back to the office and showed my coworker. 

“I don’t want to say what I think,” she said, which means it was bad. 

“Is it greasy? It feels really greasy.”

“Yeah, it looks a little bit greasy.” 

I explained the dilemma of the dime-sized amount, and then we went to take “after” pictures.  

Before and After and the post Uberlube "meh".

The pictures actually make my hair look significantly sleeker; it’s possible my iPhone camera wasn’t picking up the grease issue. My hair is thick, long, and dry: if a dime-sized amount of Uberlube was enough to make my hair greasy, pretty much anyone else should use significantly less. If I had a major frizz situation, I would certainly use a drop of Uberlube to contain the situation, but for everyday use, it’s too much.  Still, the pictures had me feeling confident enough to get through the rest of the workday with my hair full of lube – until I caught my reflection in my laptop screen, where the silhouette of my stringy hair made me throw it into a bun ASAP.

As for Uberlube’s sports claim, I don’t play sports. I live a completely sedentary lifestyle. The only chafing I have an issue with is when I have my laptop on my bare thighs for too long, and while I will cover myself head to toe in lube, none of that is going anywhere near my MacBook.   

CONCLUSION 

Uberlube was an excellent lube and a mediocre hair product. Keep on with your Moroccan Oil and John Frieda, ladies (and men.) By the way, my boyfriend put some on his new tattoo, so I can attest that it works for that purpose. It also has fantastic packaging: besides the glass bottle, they also offer travel sets, which feature 15 ml of lube in slim, anonymous metal tubes that look a bit like what your mom puts her reading glasses in if your mom wears a lot of obscure Japanese designers. It would be perfect to throw into your bag for a weekend away, or for the gym, if you go to David Barton.  I have to admit I was probably most impressed by the packaging: it has a definite luxury feel, and it’s nicer than pretty much all the other personal care products I own, because they are purchased at CVS. However, my Uberlube experience suggests that there are some things that maybe shouldn’t be purchased at CVS. Lube is one of them. And despite whatever uses are suggested for it, lube it what it should remain.