"I know ugly people. They are just like the rest of us … just not as attractive."
Because we're members of the elite media and all, we get a lot of press releases here at Nerve. There's a lot of your standard sexy stuff: romance novels, porn star interviews, marriage proposals. But every now and then, we come across one that really stands out—usually because it elicits existential crises from our staff, or because I decide to use it as comedic fodder for my weekly stand-up gig. But sometimes they're just plain strange, like one we got today from a guy named Lance Manion. Lance Manion wants to start a holiday for ugly people. A sex holiday. He's calling it National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day.
Here's an excerpt from the press release:
I know ugly people. They are just like the rest of us … just not as attractive. Some of them don't even know they are ugly. That's bad. Some of them do. That's worse. They are good people, they just have bad genes, and I'm sick of them being treated like second-class citizens simply because of some physical issues. I won't list the breathtaking array of offenders here because I want this to be a pro-ugly movement and if I tick off all the various maladies I might want to switch sides.
See? Lance knows ugly people, so it's ok that he's doing this. And he's totally pro-ugly—as long as you don't really talk about what "ugly" is in detail.
After we read the press release, hundreds of questions ran through our minds, like "Why?," "How?," and "Is this dude just trolling us?" So I called up Lance to find out. I was expecting a douche-y egomaniac looking for an indirect means of making fun of ugly people, but Lance was up-front about his intentions (i.e. sex with hotties) and honestly, had a good sense of humor about the whole thing.
Although, for a man proposing a national holiday based on physical appearance, we found it strange he wouldn't supply us with a photo of himself.
So let's chat about National Have Sex with an Ugly Person Day.
Is that funny?
When you say it out loud, it’s funnier.
Have you not said it out loud before?
I have, but it’s funny every time.
What gave you the idea to do this?
Well it started out as just another stupid idea, but it really got some traction. I think because of its duality: being able to poke fun at the superficial nature of our culture, but at the same time, hopefully it generates some interest so that someone, somewhere who's ugly can maybe get laid. Between those two factors, it seemed like something to pursue.
Do you think that ugly people can't get laid without a holiday for it?
Oh absolutely they can. But it's usually only with other ugly people. If you look at it as a society, it's very paired off. Ugly people bang ugly people, supermodels bang supermodels. And you can argue all day long about the benefits of banging a supermodel, but I don't think anyone can deny that there are ugly people out there who are completely under appreciated and who would love the opportunity, for better or worse, to have sex with a gorgeous male or female.
How do you decide if someone is ugly?
Well I'm not talking about marginal people. Everyone has seen someone that's really, over-the-top, ugly. It started with a meme I saw on Facebook, there was this girl, who, traditionally-speaking, had everything going wrong. Messed up teeth, big nose, hair that looked like she stuck a fork in a socket. But she was laughing and happy, and I guess the duality of that made an impact on me. For the holiday, I'm talking about seeking out people who are really ugly.
Have you had sex with an ugly woman before?
[Laughs] Are you kidding? Yes. But believe me, it was more pity on their part than on mine. That's just being self-effacing, but I would definitely not put myself in the model category. I'm one of the people who looks in the mirror and tries to convince themselves that they're not traditionally ugly. [pause] Let's just say supermodels are not banging on my doors.
So then you'd be on the receiving, rather than giving end of this holiday?
[Laughs] Yes. Yes, I can't claim I'd be doing anyone any favors by having sex with them. It's completely a selfish motivation at the end of the day.
Do you think ugly people are better at having sex than attractive people?
Well I think that's true of females. I think ugly guys, because we don't have experience, are worse at it. I mean, we go in with great intentions, but between premature ejaculation and not knowing how to work the female plumbing, I would say that's a myth when it comes to guys. Girls are probably more eager to please.
What do you think about Girls and Lena Dunham's having sex with a hot guy?
I'm not trying to start some social movement. Believe me, I'm motivated entirely by the selfish desire to have a supermodel sleep with me. But it can be argued that by instigating the conversation, like in Girls, we can focus on questions like, "What is beauty?" and "Are we too fixated on the media and its obsession with physical attractiveness?"
Since you're doing this so hot girls will have sex with you, how are you going to make people participate? If you were a giver, you could try to start the chain, but as an "ugly" person, how are you going to get people to start having sex with you?
The real issue would be identifying the people who are participating in the holiday. An idea would be colored ribbons, or bars could host events, because really it could happen any day. I don't think beautiful women realize the impact they could have on an ugly guy by banging them. I think the first year, it could be very difficult. Even as we're talking, I'm thinking I should send this out to some modeling agencies to see if I can get some of those guys and girls to take one for the team, just to get this thing going.
But do you want someone to have to "take one for the team" to have sex with you? How would you feel knowing that someone is having sex with you solely because you're unattractive?
[Laughs] If they were an average-looking person, I'd probably be very resentful, but if it's a supermodel I don't think I'd really care. This is not to start a relationship. This is about the immediate physical gratification of conquering someone who is above your social standing. In fact, I think most ugly guys or girls would throw an attractive person out of their bed and tell them not to call anymore just for that fleeting moment of ego.
So you're saying that if a supermodel has sex with you, you'd throw her out after it was over just to feel superior?
No, I'm saying I would want to throw her out to feel superior. What I would probably do is revert back to nerd status and beg and plead while she crawled out of my life. But the hope is, by the second Annual Have Sex with an Ugly Person Day, I'd get my stroke down, and by the third or fourth, I'd be comfortable enough to enter those waters wherein I could throw a Victoria's Secret model I had banged out into the street without a second thought, knowing that my next encounter is only 364 days away.
So the ultimate goal is, in four years time, you'll be able to throw a Victoria's Secret model out of your bed?
Uh, yeah. I really hadn't thought about it in those terms, but your crack reporting has really broken the case. At the end of the day, yes, that is the bottom line.
The first annual Have Sex with an Ugly Person Day will take place on April 2, 2013.