True Stories: The Most Suburban Way to Lose Your Virginity

Driving out of town to buy condoms? Check. Getting mocked by the pharmacist? Check...

by Chris Gethard

Fact: any nerd you meet spends his childhood being completely sex-obsessed. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a comic-book nerd or a Dungeons and Dragons nerd or a fantasy baseball nerd or some terribly pitiful combination of all the different kinds of nerd-dom. A nerd is a nerd and he will have thought about sex for hours each day starting at the age of thirteen. Why? Because there’s no visible light at the end of the tunnel assuring a nerd that one day he actually will have sex. 

Like all humans, nerds want what they can’t have. And they are obsessive people by nature. So my recommendation to any ladies, if you wind up dating a nerd virgin as my high-school girlfriend Veronica once did, is to let the first time sweep over both of you spontaneously. Allow it to be of the moment, to be a surprise.

A nerd is a nerd and he will have thought about sex for hours each day starting at the age of thirteen.

Certainly don’t pull your boyfriend aside and whisper “I’ve decided I want to lose my virginity to you. Let’s do it in a week.

Because then you will have just made sure that nerd is going to have the worst week of his life.

You will have sentenced him to spend the next seven days — the next 168 hours — obsessing over the idea that it’s finally going to happen.

As a result, he is also going to spend those seven days reading up on cunnilingus and sex positions and ejaculation etiquette. About how he’s going to… maybe get a girl pregnant. He is going to research every STD over and over again, because he’s a nerd, and that means he loves gathering information and minutia, even if it’s about the many different types of warts that can grow on the underside of a penis head.

That is how I spent my last week as a virgin. Nervous, skittish, obsessed. Wondering and worrying about how it was going to go. 

In the middle of that week, I decided it was time to face the reality of the situation and that I needed to get prepared.

I need to buy condoms.

I borrowed my mom’s car and drove around town. Every time I got to a pharmacy, I pulled into the parking lot and convinced myself that I absolutely could not buy condoms there. Some of my justifications were very rational.

“This is Veronica’s neighborhood,” I thought to myself. “What if her dad sees me buying condoms?”

The first time I met Veronica’s father, he explained to me that he had served in World War II. He then went on to tell me he worked at a VCR company.

“I find it funny,” he said, combining the two thoughts. “I used to kill those people. Now I work for them.”

When your girlfriend’s father has taken human life, I contend it’s okay to avoid purchasing condoms in his neighborhood. Unfortunately, some of my other reasons for dodging the transaction weren’t so logical. 

“Mom went to high school with the ex-husband of a lady who lives on the other side of that mountain there,” I remember thinking while sitting in my car behind the CVS drugstore on Eagle Rock Avenue. “If she sees me, reunites with her ex-husband after seven years of divorce, and he randomly contacts my mother for the first time in twenty-eight years, I’m so dead!”

My only option, as I saw it, was to buy my condoms far from where any family, friends, or associates could find me. I knew of a Pathmark located in the basement of an old converted train station in a nearby town. I figured that Pathmark would have a pharmacy and that the odds were good no one I had ever met in my entire life would have a reason to be hanging out inside a faraway subterranean Pathmark.

I got out of my car and headed to the entrance, only to turn around and walk right back to my car. I sat down in the driver’s seat. 

“No,” I said to myself, out loud. “You have got to do this.”

Despite my best efforts to mentally overcome my embarrassment, my body did not respond to my words. I remained sitting.

“If you can’t do this,” I said, “then you can’t do it.

Begrudgingly, my body finally cooperated and I walked back toward the front entrance. This time I made it inside, and headed straight to the pharmacy.

Then, I panicked. I walked around the border of the pharmacy, orbiting the condoms, for ten full minutes. I didn’t look at any other items, and only managed to examine the condoms by turning my head and reading the packages as I speed-walked past them. Otherwise, I kept my head down and continued my loop around the edge of the pharmacy.

The workers behind the counter, two heavyset black women, were eyeing me, confused. They must have thought that I was out of my mind, or that I found supermarket pharmacies a great place to run laps. 

After I tired out, and not coincidentally after every other customer had left the pharmacy, I buckled down and made my way back toward the condoms. The choice was overwhelming, but I’d done my research and came knowing what I wanted: regular condoms with one simple frill, spermicidal lubricant.  Without thinking about what I was doing, I saw my hand reach for them. I picked them up, nervously walked to the checkout, and looked at the ground as the woman behind the counter rang up my purchase. 

Commentarium (23 Comments)

Feb 03 12 - 1:43am
Mark

I came for the sex and stayed for the laughs. This may be the first piece of truly great comedic writing I've ever read on this site.

Feb 03 12 - 2:02am
Excellent

The best first time story ever featured on this site...and it wasn't even an "official" part of the series! Full of heart, humor and genuine sweetness. It even tugged at my heart strings more than once!
Bravo!

Feb 03 12 - 3:05am
thinking about it

This was really good. I think that about sums it up.

Feb 03 12 - 3:15am
Ml

It's from a book, and like you said it's a first time story. I want to go back to good old true stories: bad panties, backstage pass, fell in love with my coworker, brazilian girls, friends with benefits.. I just didn't find this funny.

Feb 03 12 - 9:01am
So...

The last name is a pseudonym, right? Or is your life a cosmic joke?

Feb 03 12 - 10:25pm
SW

First thing I noticed when I clicked the link.

Feb 03 12 - 9:05am
ai

how can such a fine writer choose the nom de plume "Gethard"? And if that's his real name, how in the world can he write about sex without changing it to something else?

Feb 05 12 - 2:11am
BE

His surname is actually Gethard. I think it's pronounced Geth-ard. I recognize him from Collegehumor.

Feb 03 12 - 10:11am
PA

Are you single?? Nothing is hotter that awkward.

Feb 03 12 - 10:12am
lv

I'm originally a suburbanite, and I love how we used to refer to that tiny hill over there with tons of houses on it and maybe a tree as "that mountain". So cute.

Feb 03 12 - 4:13pm
Sub-suburban

At his Mom's house. Him: are you waiting to have sex with me until I say I love you? Me: NO (lie. I was). Him: Fine, I love you. And then I lost my virginity. Make this a lesson, kids.

Feb 03 12 - 7:32pm
src

Loved every word!

I hate to be that asshole, but.... Nerve... Typo central yo.

Feb 03 12 - 9:04pm
RN

This was hilarious. I lost my virginity to a virgin nerd too--he didn't save the second condom for in case the first broke, he put it on over the first one as a way to counter my "we shouldn't do this, I'm afraid I'll get pregnant" argument. I gave in, but the poor guy could barely feel what was going on. Fortunately, not much can stand between a horny 17-year old boy and an orgasm.

Feb 03 12 - 11:55pm
JM

Great piece of writing! I could relate to this as someone who had my first time with a virginal geek. We weren't nearly as nervous as the author (we fooled around a lot prior to Doing It), but tense and giddy with anticipation. It was awkward and kind of sweet and neither of us came, but we've been together for over a year now and we've had *plenty* of practice since. ;)

Feb 04 12 - 5:30pm
kb

yes! agreed!

Feb 04 12 - 2:24pm
Amit Yadav

Great piece of writing!

Feb 05 12 - 1:20am
m

Yes I feel you on the nervousness. I was having a damn panic attack before my first time. But what is the big deal about the condoms? Buying condoms is a badge of honour! It means that someone wants to have sex with you. It is the best, most subtle way I know of shouting to everyone "How you like me now!" When I buy condoms I'm doing a struct down the aisle ;)

Feb 05 12 - 5:34pm
bl

this is one of the best true stories i've read on this site.

Feb 06 12 - 12:48pm
meola

Cashiers and condoms. I bought some once at Target. The cashier insisted on telling me that he got them for much cheaper at the local clinic. Yeah, thanks for that, man.

Feb 08 12 - 12:42am
KC

Some years back, my then-boyfriend went into a large drugstore one Saturday morning, and bought himself a large box of condoms and a toothbrush. The young cashier stared at them a moment before ringing them up, then looked up at him. He grinned broadly, and said- "you have yourself a good weekend, too!"

I was waiting outside with our bikes. When he came out of the store laughing, and told me what was so funny, I didn't know whether to blush for the cashier's embarrassment or high-five him for his Rico Suave-ity.

Mar 02 12 - 2:30am
ad

well thats a good well written piece of literature , humorous & quite practical as the first condom packet purchase & the time consumed to buy it. I think I love to be that man again next life.

Mar 31 12 - 2:38am
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