Miss Information

I feel bad for the nameless girlfriend I've presumably wronged—I'm not trying to be a home wrecker or succubus or what have you.

by Cait Robinson

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Dear Miss Information,

I'm in a two-year-old open relationship that's really solid, and my boyfriend is in college in another city. I met this guy the other night who seemed great—attractive, intelligent, artistic, fun, sexually open—and ended up hooking up with him. The only problem was that he has a girlfriend who's abroad right now, which left me pretty conflicted.

On one hand, I don't particularly value monogamy. I don't think it's my responsibility to manage someone else's relationship, and I'm really lost by concepts like what constitutes the boundaries of cheating (I told him he probably shouldn't do anything with me that he'd be uncomfortable with his girlfriend doing with someone else–he said he didn't care, an open relationship wouldn't bother him). I know the ultimate word is his, and really all I'm obligated to do is respect the boundaries he puts up.

On the other hand, I do feel kind of bad about the whole thing. I know he could have called it off any time—but hey, so could I. I certainly wanted it, and I didn't really make it easy for him to resist. The encounter was less him deciding outright to cheat, and more the two of us drawing lines and then mutually proceeding to cross them ("it's cool if we're just kissing...I guess above the waist is fine...well, as long as you leave your panties on..." and downhill from there). That makes me more sympathetic to him, because he didn't just seem like some jerk trying to get laid. And, not to mention, I feel bad for the nameless girlfriend I've presumably wronged—I'm not trying to be a home wrecker or succubus or what have you.

I know what to do if we meet up again—sit down and have an honest talk about our feelings like adults, and lay out in clear terms the circumstances—if there are any—under which we're comfortable doing anything sexual again. But what I'm wondering right now is whether my actions that night deserve to be vindicated or condemned.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I have respected their monogamy and told him no, even when he was comfortable with it, or maybe I should have left when I realized how much I wanted to have sex with him? Or am I justified in leaving his choice to be exclusive or not up to him, doing what I wanted to do (with his consent) in the moment? And perhaps most importantly, what parts of the answer to that question can I expect to apply to future encounters, and which are specific to this situation?

—Confused by Monogamy

Dear Confused by Monogamy:

I love that you described yourself as not wanting to be "a succubus." I got sidetracked and decided that, once it's trendy to revive '90s music for nostalgia, I want someone to form an all-girl Incubus cover band called Succubus. The slogan can be "stealing your soul through shitty execution of mediocre music." That's a million-dollar idea, guys. Take it and run.

Given your overall tone, your recognition of right/wrong, and your clarity that you need to proceed with extreme caution, I don't think you deserve to be "condemned." In my estimation, the extent to which you are in the wrong in a situation like this ranges from 10%-30%, depending on how you squint. Sure, one shouldn't enter into a situation that harms somebody else—the "someone else" in this situation being the girlfriend and/or their relationship. However, the lion's share of responsibility and guilt goes to the person who has made other commitments. He needs to respect the rules of the relationship with his girlfriend, regardless of the fact that he "wouldn't mind" an open relationship. (Bravo, dude—but what does she think?)

You shouldn't have to set the boundaries and police his ethics. He should be doing that on his own, whether that means "talking to his girlfriend about revised boundaries for their relationship", "breaking up with his girlfriend if he really wants to sleep with other people," or "closing his bar tab and going home. Alone."

Now, don't interpret my saying "this isn't your responsibility" as an endorsement of continuing to aid and abet a cheater. Ultimately, anyone who sneaks around and/or unilaterally revises their commitments deserve no girlfriends, not two at once. You were right to make the hook-up a one time affair, and to try to set reasonable boundaries. But where is his head in this? He needs to meet you more than halfway, start taking responsibility and taking charge. If he can't grow the spine to respect the promises he's made, he's likely not the prize he initially seemed.