My First Time

Female • 15 • Ireland

At the innocent age of fifteen, all I really knew about sex was that guys dumped you if you didn't do it. (Naive, I know.) I'd recently lost weight and gotten a new haircut; I was feeling attractive, but attention from males was still quite scarce at my all-girls Catholic school.

I'd started smoking, and I used to hang around in a dirty alley, in the half hour before school began, to suck in as much nicotine as possible in the hope that it'd last me until four p.m. One morning, while I was sitting on a windowsill of a recently closed-down nightclub, someone asked me for a lighter in a gruff voice. I looked up and saw a smile blurred by braces, curly brown hair, and huge DJ headphones. Names aren't important, maybe because I'd rather chew off my own arm then tell anyone who he is. Anyway. We started seeing each other in January, and he wasn't exactly a gentleman, but I didn't know any better.

By the time summer rolled around, we were deep into "will we or won't we" mode with regard to sex. I decided that I should just get it the fuck over with — stop being such a pansy and suck it up. I knew dozens who had done it and said that apart from a bit of pain it was fine. So I messaged him, and told him that I'd be at his house the next morning. I knew his parents would be at work, and that we'd have all day to ourselves.

“I used to hang around in a dirty alley before school began, to smoke as much as possible...

Somehow, I'd convinced myself that it would be so romantic, with candles, rose petals, and of course, the Hollywood-style orgasm. It was not. What greeted me instead was a boy's messy bedroom, clothes everywhere, bed not even made, walls covered with posters of topless women. Actually, at first we'd been making out on his white leather couch, but we made the decision to move upstairs in case of bleeding. (Practical, if not romantic.) Once we were in his bedroom, he unrolled a condom, I pulled down my pants but kept my bra on (heaven knows why), and we fumbled in the false dark I'd created by pulling down the blinds and closing the curtains.

Less than two minutes later, it was over. He rolled over and kissed me on the cheek, before getting up for a shower. I got dressed, tried to look sexy, and followed him downstairs, where he was making tea and he offered me a cup. It was then I realized I'd never get another first time. I was fifteen and it was over in a heartbeat. I spent the rest of the day watching him play computer games while I texted my friends, acting as if nothing had happened because of the sheer fucking shame of it.

We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
FIRST TIMES
By sheer chance, Jack and I both ended up in Shanghai that summer.
According to just about every pre-college advice manual, floorcest is a bad idea.
"So no, I didn't lose my virginity in the most traditional way."

Commentarium (29 Comments)

Jun 07 11 - 3:20pm
Wow

How raw. I really like the story without really liking the story. Thanks for sharing.

Jun 07 11 - 3:35pm
CaptainSensible

" I really like the story without really liking the story"

What? That makes absolutely no sense.

Jun 07 11 - 4:17pm
Ryan

You know what he means. It wasn't badly written and it was real, but it was a sucky situation for her.

Jul 09 11 - 3:11pm
Rhea

I liked wow's comment and i felt just the same!

Jun 07 11 - 3:39pm
perigee

So sad. I truly hope the shame faded quickly, and that the rest of your history is tales of fun, lustful, joyful and / or loving sex.

Jun 07 11 - 7:24pm
EdwardSF

I hope a few teenage girls read this and don't follow in the author's footsteps.

Sep 04 11 - 4:46am
B

haha yeah if its the first time for everyone involved it tends to be a bit of a fiasco.

Jun 27 12 - 4:34pm
Alice309485043

I hope a few teenage boys read this and don't follow in the author's first's footsteps.

Jun 07 11 - 7:45pm
LozzaO

That's so sad. But at least it's realistic, unlike some of the ones on here, that try and paint a lovely picture. Hope you found happiness later on though, with a better guy.

Jun 08 11 - 7:40pm
aa

wtf. why are straight people so fuckin obsessed with the act of penetration. we put so much emphasis on putting the dick inside the vagina. " i realized i will never get a first time again" i know i'm being harsh to some 15 year old person's outlook but dang. really. losing virginity is just plainly defined that someone somewhere got penetrated by a immature penis. let's redefine sex and fucking why don't we?

Aug 15 11 - 10:09pm
g

first of all, don't group everyone together like that. there are plenty of straight people who don't find losing their virginity that special. I personally do and I always thought sex is better with someone you love. but god, that's true. you really only get one first time. and it's good for her to reflect on that and tell this story to other people who actually might not have thought of that. sometimes people just want to get it over with but that's not the way to go. and I don't even understand your last two sentences, stop trying to sound tough.

Nov 28 11 - 3:20pm
Yolanda

Losing your virginity will never be such normal thing u have to think twice b4 u take any decision and be straight

Jun 08 11 - 7:42pm
aa

ofcourse this is not a 15 year old person's outlook because as adults we still put a lot of emphasis on penetration. girls and boys.

Jun 08 11 - 10:37pm
AD

My first time was pretty bad but I didn't feel ashamed, I felt relieved. Like the author I wanted to "get it the fuck over with." Virginity is overrated. She should be glad she got it over with so young since that just means extra years to get better at it.

Jun 09 11 - 12:14am
Ashley

Really? That's what you have to say when there are girls going out there, getting pregnant, or getting STD's and you say virginity is overrated? MY virginity was TAKEN.. I didn't have a choice. I wanted to be married before I had sex. Now I'm 19 with 2 kids and one on the way. I'm a god mom, but most teenage girls go out and get an abortion or adopt their babies out when truth be told, I don't even like adoption.. My ex nephew in law was adopted out to this family along with his brother and sister, and guess what?... He was murdered by his adopted mother because she was ''lusting'' for him.... No one knows what they do to their kids, but I'll be the first to tell ya.. The poor things wind up fucked up. DO NOT say virginity is ''over rated''... People just don't know what morality is and don't have self respect. If getting better at is an excuse, when you turn 18 at least, you can go and get ''experienced'' boys are gonna do what boys do, teach them how to rap it up and choose their girls wisely if you raised them up to be like that. No girl should deal with this kind of boy, you think your in love but guess what, you're NOT... lust is a very strong feeling and it leads you on your way to getting heart broken and not having anything in life.. You really need to read some books or something and figure out what life is all about...

Jun 09 11 - 10:35am
@Ashley

"Now I'm 19 with 2 kids and one on the way." I'm sorry your virginity "was TAKEN", which I assume means that you were raped. But unless you're claiming all three of your kids are the product of nonconsensual sex, I'm not sure you're in a position to be giving advice to anyone. Having 3 kids at age 19 is incredibly irresponsible, and while you talk a lot about "self-respect", it's almost impossible for a 19-year-old to be a "good mom" to three kids. Maybe an adequate mom, maybe a distracted and undereducated mom, maybe a mom who quietly communicates her resentment towards her kids for taking away her childhood, and who depends on friends and family and social services to take up the slack...

Jun 09 11 - 2:38pm
@@Ashley

Oh shut up, stop preaching to Ashley, jerk. Go practice masturbation with a condom and read some books on how to be a good parent/community member instead.

Sorry you're in this situation, Ashley, but you sound educated and thoughtful, I'm sure you'll be alright and your boys (if you have any) will learn how to be better than the average .

Jun 09 11 - 3:00pm
@@@Ashley

So it's OK for a teenager to preach pompously, to trash adoption (or did you skip over that part?), and to pat herself on the back for what a "god mom" she is? Got it. Sorry, I don't think popping out three kids before you can vote somehow means you get a free pass for spouting anti-adoption and sex-negative nonsense ("people just don't know what morality is"). I like your ad hominem, though, very classy, and definitely the sort of thing you'd be brave enough to say in person.

Jun 09 11 - 1:40am
AD

I stand by what I said. They used protection and seemed to like each other well enough. Sometimes that's all you need. He didn't even seem like a bad guy. He kissed her when it was over--a tender gesture--he offered her a cup of tea--a caring gesture. Her main disappointment seems to be that it didn't last long enough. She wanted to get it over with and she did. There is absolutely no shame in that.

But you're right, I have somewhat mischaracterized virginity. It's not just overrated it's a crushing amount of needless frustration. Thanks for giving me the oportunity to clear that up.

Jun 13 11 - 5:14pm
Jacey

I thought the tea was a sweet thing to do as well.

Jun 10 11 - 4:25pm
RexMerritt

Regarding this instance of deflowering, let us refer to the Killers: "He doesn't look a thing like Jesus/But he talks like a gentleman/Like you imagined when you were young."

Aug 15 11 - 10:14pm
s

like.

Jun 11 11 - 12:50am
Eric

I've known plenty of people who are adopted and Ashley's comment is ridiculous. Her own circumstances are tragic but they are not typical. Adoptive parents are very loving and, oh, can actually take care of the kids.

Jun 13 11 - 5:16pm
Jacey

I have adopted relatives, there is no difference between them and any others.

Jun 11 11 - 10:28pm
well actually

comments like those make me wonder if its worse to have a child and it ruin your child hood or have your girl friend kill herself cause she was pregneant.

Jun 13 11 - 12:00am
christa

I've always wanted to make it with an older man.

Jun 17 11 - 2:19am
hi there

I've always had the opposite desire.

Jun 15 11 - 6:00pm
ylshp89

How nice if yls (8/9/87) give her first time to me. I, shp will love and take care of her till end of our life...........

Jun 26 11 - 1:35pm
@@ashley

People can careless if ur 19 with 2 kids or not almost everyday some innocent little kid gets there vcard taken away. And everyone has there own way of live just because ur stuck with three kids no one else has to follow in ur foot steps. If