Love & Sex

My First Time: Female, 17, San Francisco

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"A lot of people disagree about what virginity means to a gay woman…"

Female • 17 • San Francisco

Based on what you see in the media, you'd think that all lesbian encounters are either between two drunk sorority sisters or in a threesome with a horny dude. Or both. But my first time was with my girlfriend of two years, and we had planned the moment for months. We'd always been good friends — I'd known her since elementary school — and although we'd both liked each other since middle school, it never occurred to either of us that our feelings might be mutual. It was ninth grade — our freshman year — that I mustered up the courage to tell her that I was gay, and not only that, I was into her.

I was positive that our friendship would be irrevocably broken, and I'd be the lesbian laughingstock of the entire school. But after maintaining an awkward distance for about a week, she confessed that she felt the same way towards me. I was so shocked by her affirmation that I never realized how improbable it was that the one girl that I had literally dreamt about for a year also liked me. 

From that moment on, I felt a stronger connection to her than I had before, if that was possible. We didn't tell our friends, even though I'm positive that they would have been totally stoked. We convinced ourselves to keep our relationship a secret because "it would just be too weird for them," but in reality, I think we liked the idea of an illicit romance. Neither of us was out to anybody, which, in some ways, made our relationship easier. We never had to give anybody a reason for hanging out for hours on end or clogging up our houses' landlines with our three-hour-long phone calls. As far as anybody was concerned, we were just typical teenage girls, joined at the hip. And in fact, we were exactly that, except we made out occasionally as well. I'm sure that if we'd told our parents that we were going out, they would've prohibited us from hanging out in her bedroom with the door closed. So our arrangement worked out perfectly for everyone involved. 

At the beginning of junior year and I had just turned seventeen. At this point, my doctor had given me the requisite sex talk, which was so awkward ("If you're sexually active — you're not sexually active, are you? — we'll need to start you on the pill. Or I could give you spermicide, which would kill the sperm when your boyfriend…") that I jumped right in and told her, "I'm gay." In response, she stared at me as if I was the first lesbian she'd ever seen.

But all her talk about sex and virginity struck a chord with me, so when I got home that day, I called my girlfriend and told her about it. I wanted to have sex, and I was sure that I was ready. After all, we had been going steady for two years. We had made out and grinded at dances and clubs already, so what was the wait? She agreed with me, and we planned painstakingly until winter break. 

We decided that since I was pretty much living on my own in my parents' apartment (they were always gone on business or "casual retreats") that on Christmas Eve, she would come over. The next day, I was invited to a Christmas dinner at her parents' house. 

On the day she was coming over, I went to a drug store and bought dental dams (not that we used them in the end). The cashier gave me a funny look; she winked at me as if to say, "You go, girl." I really wanted to explain myself, but I felt like that would be too involved. Then I just went back to the apartment and cleaned every corner of it. Looking back, that was totally ridiculous, because she was there three or four times a week anyway. By the time she came, I was totally strung up and not sure if I wanted to have sex anymore.

But I guess she did, because once she closed the door, we didn't talk much or sit around. We pretty much just got to it. She stripped down to her bra and underpants, which made me more nervous still. We made out, but it seemed a little formal. We had never gone down on each other, and I was pretty sure that's what we'd meant when we said we wanted to have sex. (Now I realize that there's more to fucking than licking a girl's vagina and calling it a day.) Regardless, we were kissing and I was fingering her when she stopped and started to go down on me.

It was actually awesome, but I didn't come. We switched positions, and luckily for me and my low self-esteem, she orgasmed. We finished up quickly after that and watched a movie, I don't remember what it was. 

It was the perfect way to lose my virginity, and it kind of made up for the fact that my parents were yet again MIA during Christmas. I know that a lot of people disagree about what virginity means to a gay woman, but virginity is totally subjective, and it really depends on who you're asking. Some people might say penetration has to be involved, but I think it's up to the person losing his or her virginity. If I feel like I've lost my virginity, then goddammit, I have! And lucky for me, I'm still with that same girl today. Funny thing is, I'm in Navy ROTC and I haven't told anybody that I'm gay, but our relationship is more open than it's ever been.