My First Time

Female • 18 • Basement

Six months before I lost my virginity, I had my heart broken by my first love, a self-proclaimed man-slut. We had spent the summer in blissful high-school ignorance of mistrust and conflicting futures, and I had never been happier — in an intense, can't get enough of you, holding your hand gives me butterflies kind of way. Then, a week after we left for separate boarding schools, he left me for a new girlfriend.

I nursed my broken heart much of my first semester; while most were getting hammered in their dorm rooms and sneaking out to hang out with boys, I was writing corny love poems and imagining all the terrible things I'd say to him if I ever got the chance again. That was until I met Daymon, on a train, on my way home for spring break.

The train left at ten p.m. and wouldn't get in until three. Most of the long trips home I had taken previously, I passed the time with music in my ears, slowly drifting in and out of consciousness, forehead pressed against the cool glass, staring into nothing — enjoying my solitude and usually feeling sorry for my brokenhearted self. But this trip was different. On this particular trip, the conductor decided to follow through with seating assignments, and subsequently, Daymon was stuck with me. He walked up in the poorly lit corridor in baggy pants, iPod blaring and hoodie up. His face was in total shadow. My first reaction, honestly? I would rather have sat with the woman talking to herself in the back than next to the body without a face.

After he took his seat, we spent an hour in silence, not even bothering to glance at one another, until he pulled his hoodie down. "What kind of music you like?" he asked me. I turned towards him, shocked he could speak (not well, but I didn't have many standards at eighteen), and realized that not only was he cute, but he was about my age. Over the next few hours we talked candidly about our families, our schools, and what we were doing on a train at two in the morning, and we realized we had more in common than I ever would've thought.

On this particular trip, the conductor decided to follow through with seating assignments, and subsequently, Daymon was stuck with me.

As I slowly un-plastered myself from the window, I started to wonder whether he could possibly be into me. I was a generally shy and awkward high schooler whose only sexual encounters had consisted of some heavy petting and makeout sessions. That he might think I was cute seemed unlikely. I was quickly proven wrong however, as our conversation faded away and he slowly moved his hand up my thigh, leaning towards my lips. The anticipation felt like small shocks in my leg, and as he finally touched my lips my heart beat a little faster. We spent the last ten minutes of the train ride in one of the most charged kisses of my life, slowly tracing each others lips with the slightest bit of tongue. It was perfect. We left each other at the train stop breathless and sleepy, after exchanging numbers. I honestly thought I would never see him again.

After graduation about three months later, I felt both like an adult and like a virginal loser. Even my extremely religious "wait until marriage" best friend had found the courage to give up the goods, and I was all alone. So on a hot June night I decided that it was time to grow up. After I had shaved, showered, lotioned, and stolen a beer from my dad to take the edge off, I called Daymon.

We hadn't talked since the night on the train, but I thought about the kiss and figured he'd be good as anyone to get the deed done. Thirty minutes later, he was in my basement playroom, with my parents asleep right upstairs, and I was taking his pants off. As he took off my special skanky underwear — which he completely failed to appreciate — my heart beat a mile a minute. He slid on the condom like a champ; this was definitely not his first time. Then he pushed me gently back in a large overstuffed armchair. I kept my dress and the lights on, not really sure what kind of "mood" I was supposed to set, and helped him guide himself in.

The initial shock of pain was amazing, and to this day, I relish that sensation whenever I'm with someone new. We picked up a rhythm and it felt like it lasted forever. When we finished it was much like a business transaction. I really felt nothing except pride that I'd gotten what I wanted. My cleanup was methodical: I kissed him goodbye and kicked him out, scrubbed the ottoman where he had lost control of himself on pulling out, and tiptoed upstairs quietly. Moments later, I was lying in my bed, heart hammering, coming to grips with what had just happened and wondering whether if my parents woke up and came into my room, they'd smell the sex on me. The next day, we exchanged texts confirming that we both knew it was just sex, nothing more. My life went on as usual, and I never talked to Daymon again.

There's a part of me that'll always believe that it would've been different — more like lovemaking, less like a transaction with a stranger.

A week later, the boy who'd broken my heart the summer before was home and trying to love me again. After multiple apologies, and claims that he regretted every minute of being away from me (yeah, right), he convinced me our story wasn't over and I took him back. I didn't tell him about my big step since he'd left; I felt secretly vindicated, like he might have stolen and stomped on my heart but someone else got my vagina.

The truth always comes out, though. He was at my house, in the basement, when a friend told him the chair was sitting in was probably the last place he wanted to sit. He quickly understood, and things were never the same. Once I had cut him out of my life, I came to regret my decision to sleep with someone else. At eighteen, I had no idea that he was going to be my first love, and after four years of hurt on both ends, it should've been him; it was always supposed to be him. Things probably wouldn't have changed, but there's a part of me that'll always believe that it would've been different — more like lovemaking, less like a transaction with a stranger.

We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
FIRST TIMES
According to just about every pre-college advice manual, floorcest is a bad idea.
"So no, I didn't lose my virginity in the most traditional way."
"He looked like if Ian Somerhalder and Gerard Butler had somehow created a baby."

Commentarium (36 Comments)

Aug 02 11 - 12:23am
das

I had almost the same experience except it was definitely not supposed to be my first love turned ex.

Aug 02 11 - 2:20am
nerkums

"The initial shock of pain was amazing, and to this day, I relish that sensation whenever I'm with someone new."

Uh...

Aug 02 11 - 9:54am
SS

Yeah, I didn't really understand that part either. The shock of pain of first time sex is unpleasant to say the least.

Aug 02 11 - 5:04pm
completely

...and it really shouldn't repeat every time, unless you're some kind of hymenically challenged vampire...

Aug 02 11 - 10:52pm
Anna

Or vaginismus. Without regular "conditioning" of the muscles (through penetrative sex, dildos, etc.)

Aug 03 11 - 12:58am
fredericka_md

honestly, it was also common for me after extended periods of time w/out sex to feel a pleasurable "tugging" or tight feeling upon entry of my partner. i wouldn't call it *unusual* as the vagina is a muscle and as Anna mentions above, if it's not utilized or "conditioned", you are likely to feel (and possibly *relish*) the sensation described above (yum...).

Aug 03 11 - 8:30am
completely

I don't know much about vaginismus, but doesn't it make sex so painful it's basically impossible without the "conditioning" you mentioned?

Aug 04 11 - 4:53pm
ER

I get that, if i don't have sex for a month or two it's quite painful for the first few minutes until my muscles relax. It's really frustrating.

Aug 02 11 - 10:31am
dave1976

And while I generally hate playing detective with these pieces, if he wore a condom, why did she have to scrub the ottoman "where he had lost control of himself on pulling out[?]" I know there are a bunch of possible explanations for this, it just seems odd.

Aug 02 11 - 12:25pm
stfu it's me

I like that kinda analystics. You're right.

Aug 02 11 - 12:26pm
stfu it's me

I don't like that kind of grammar on my part though.

Aug 02 11 - 3:23pm
c

maybe she means he fumbled with the condom pulling it off and dumped it all over the ottoman...or that halfway through pulling out the condom slipped off and dumped out. I don't take it to mean he lost control as in jizzed right then (isn't that what you do with pull-out method? you wouldn't call it "losing control").

Aug 02 11 - 3:37pm
dave1976

Maybe, but it's still a very odd word choice then. You "pull out" of the woman, you don't pull out of the condom...rather you pull the condom "off." And "losing control" in the context of sex and pulling out usually refers to some form of premature ejaculation; or if it's not premature, then ejaculating where you don't intend to; e.g. on the ottoman instead of on her stomach...and if that's the case, then what happened to the condom? Maybe, like you said, the condom fell off as he pulled out and he "lost control" of it...but it's still a weird phrasing. Anyway, like I said above, I don't like to nitpick these entries, so I'll quit belaboring the issue (for now).

Aug 02 11 - 5:06pm
completely

I noticed that too. Unlike you, I'm willing to call bullshit. It makes no sense that he was wearing a condom and then pulled out of her, and of the condom, and proceeded to jizz on the ottoman.

Aug 02 11 - 5:07pm
completely

Also, he says he lost control "of himself," not "of the condom." So I don't see how it could mean that he fumbled with the condom and it spilled.

Aug 07 11 - 2:35pm
Nigel

Perhaps the young gentleman shat himself.

Sep 10 11 - 11:21pm
julia

I think this is precisely what took place.
Nice deduction, sir.

Aug 02 11 - 10:47am
Rj

Was the original first comment deleted?

Aug 02 11 - 5:06pm
completely

Yes.

Aug 02 11 - 6:37pm
NuckingFuts

Yeah. It was. It was mine. Seems like they can't handle someone disagreeing with them, or they're just a bunch of hypocritical censors on here.... I basically said this whole thing sounded fake, and it does.

Aug 02 11 - 4:53pm
Simone

I don't like this as a story: way too much focus on the train and the backstory. It makes the whole virginity lost peripheral. Then again, maybe that's the point: the whole thing wasn't the best idea after all.

Aug 02 11 - 10:59pm
oh please

There could be any number of reasons for that "lost control" line. Maybe the girl didn't think it through. I guess every single time you have had sex and used a condom the surface on which you were f-ing remained pristine?

In any case, I didn't love the story, but it did ring true emotionally for me. There is no reason why it has to be fake.

Aug 02 11 - 11:33pm
On another note...

Nerve often censors or rejects stories they don't like if the voice is "too young" but a lot of their first time/true stories are set in college and have young, unreliable narrators...I'm sensing an inconsistency here.

Aug 03 11 - 7:29am
Colombo

I can smell fake on the writer, probably a guy.

Aug 03 11 - 8:02am
AD

I say this every time, but I'll say it again: I don't understand the "This is fake" responses. These stories are all anonymous so what would the authors gain from making something up?

Aug 03 11 - 8:32am
completely

Masturbatory fodder? A chance to re-write their own history? Or just the same thing anyone gets when they write fiction -- the chance to make up a story? I don't understand why that's so hard to imagine. Hell, Nerve used to have a lot of fiction on purpose.

Aug 05 11 - 9:37pm
NuckingFuts

Because if it sounds or seems fake or is written in a way that seems such, peoples b.s detector goes off so as to not get taken advantage of or made out to be stupid.

Aug 06 11 - 8:48am
Ha!

I don't think most of these people write fake stories. But I do think some of them lie a little, or try to make the experience seem more romantic or significant than it actually was. I guess they dislike the reality of it, so they try to upgrade it a little. It's what makes them seem fake.

This one sounds quite realistic, actually, but the train prologue was too long. Who cares about that part? Get to the good stuff.

Aug 06 11 - 8:49am
Ha!

I don't think most of these people write fake stories. But I do think some of them lie a little, or try to make the experience seem more romantic or significant than it actually was. I guess they dislike the reality of it, so they try to upgrade it a little. It's what makes them seem fake.

This one sounds quite realistic, actually, but the train prologue was too long. Who cares about that part? Get to the good stuff.

Sep 15 11 - 6:27am
duh

haha yea agree(:

Aug 06 11 - 11:25am
Karolina

EmoGirl065.gliteruje.pl - shock!

Aug 08 11 - 10:27pm
The Jarring Note

What seems strange about this story is the "it was always supposed to be him." Because the people who write in to Nerve seem to be relatively self-aware about their identity and their sexual experiences, the note of 'cosmic destiny' seems a bit jarring. Perhaps it's naivete, or forced significance (as Ha! suggests) - but in my opinion a teeny bit more self-awareness would have improved the tale significantly. For instance: "In retrospect, I kind of regret the impatience that made my first experience less like lovemaking and more like a transaction, but" [extra credit here] "nothing's worse than waiting around on the sidelines for a guy to realize that he's in love with you."

Sep 15 11 - 6:26am
duh

LOL.

Oct 11 11 - 5:23pm
ugh

her parents wouldn't smell sex on her if she showered. I mean... it took place in HER basement. where she proceeded to HER room. she could have gotten a shower in HER bathroom. I wasnt lucky enough for that. i had to travel home to shower.

Nov 23 11 - 5:53am
Kaylea

Umm, are you rlealy just giving this info out for nothing?

Feb 29 12 - 2:05am
girly

mine was better!!!!!!!!!!! by far just ask!