July 17, 2012

My First Time

Female, 18, Boston

We'd been together for six months. When we first started dating, he was the replacement for my ex-boyfriend, whom I'd broken up with due to distance. About a month or two previously, my ex and I had, about a week apart, expressed our love for each other and been angrily rejected. That exchange made me feel renewed in my guilt-induced admiration for my current boyfriend, who was completely wrong for me.

My poor boyfriend; I pitied him because I didn't love him, hated myself for it, and then didn't think I deserved better. I was a total mess. I felt bad that I hadn't slept with him yet. He was not a virgin. He had never once pressured me for sex.

My poor boyfriend; I pitied him because I didn't love him, hated myself for it, and then didn't think I deserved better.

One night, late, we were staring into each other's eyes in a rather intense, unromantic way. He asked me what I was thinking about, and I couldn't come up with a good answer. Did I want to have sex?, he asked.

I proceeded to think out loud for an hour. Then I said no five times. Then I said yes, now, before I lose my nerve.

I'm not sure that he said a lot of words in this exchange. I don't remember. Was he slowly, subtly persuading me? I hope so. I needed a kick in the ass. I was scared to lose my virginity.

Since my brain was running in full-speed, blackout mode, I can't even remember whether there was any foreplay. It's possible there wasn't. We definitely kissed a few times. I do remember the condom, the way he expertly put it on, that made me think he had practiced by himself. But I wasn't prepared for the pain that I felt when he started to enter me. He went slowly. I almost wished he had gone faster. It did not cease to be excruciating. He kept moving back and forth, and I wasn't sure why. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was exhaling from the pain and closing my eyes tightly. I thought he hated me. How else could he stay hard through this strange ritual?

Suddenly it was over, and I was shaking. I said, "I love you." I was very proud of myself. I told all my friends. I spent the remaining year of our relationship believing that I was gay.

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