My First Time

Female • 18 • Thailand

We met in an expat bar in Bangkok. I had just graduated from high school and gotten a job as a nanny for an international family. It was my first time living outside of Canada, and everything about life seemed exciting and novel. The guy and a friend of his sat down with two tiny Asian girls at a table near the one I was sitting at with a group of girlfriends I'd only just met. We soon started talking. He confided that he didn't know the girls his friend had invited along, that they barely spoke English, and that he was bored. He told me he was from Canada too, and it felt like we had something in common. He bought me a drink. He was in his late twenties, had an impressive career, and had lived all over the world. He seemed sophisticated and mature, though I didn't initially find him good-looking.

“I went out of town for a weekend for my job, and when I came back he was seeing someone else.”

Soon we were friends. We were both new to the city, and we would try new restaurants and bars together. He smoked Du Maurier cigarettes and told stories about exotic places where he had lived or traveled. He was completely different from the guys in high school. It took a long time for him to kiss me, and when he did I was confused about whether I wanted to be friends or something more. Regardless, a week later, I went out of town for a weekend for my job, and when I came back he was seeing someone else.

I was confused and hurt, and I made him take me out to dinner to explain — to dump me properly, I guess. I wore high heels and a borrowed mini-skirt, wanting him to regret his decision. But he was nice about it. He explained that he hadn't felt like I wanted a relationship, and the other girl — a mutual friend of ours — had made it clear that she did.

Still, I resented the fact that he had chosen to end it with me. I'd never even really kissed a guy before him, and he was sexually experienced, knew where to touch me and how. I didn't feel ready to end things, but I agreed that it was just as well that we just stay friends. After dinner, he asked me to his place to watch a movie, and I went. By the time we were twenty minutes into the movie we were kissing on the couch. We made out in his bed and he told me it was okay — it was an "adjustment period." I stayed over, and felt guilty in the morning.

We hooked up for months while he was seeing the other girl. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, that things with his girlfriend weren't working but she was emotionally unstable and he couldn't leave her. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and I still didn't want to end things, even though most of the time I was lonely and jealous. He would text me when I was out with my girlfriends and I'd end up sleeping at his place downtown. My friends didn't like him, but at the time I couldn't see why. I was young and naive and thought they just didn't understand him. He kept pushing me to go further sexually, but I couldn't bring myself to lose my virginity to a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend with me. At one point, trying to make him jealous, I hooked up with the friend of his I'd met in the bar with him the first night.

Eventually, his girlfriend went away to visit her family in Australia, and we spent the whole time together. We stayed in eating takeout and smoking pot, watching movies and fooling around. It felt like the "real" relationship I'd never had before. When his girlfriend got back, he broke up with her.

“He made me feel beautiful and sexy and I still didn't want to end things, even though most of the time I was lonely and jealous.”

A few weeks later, we were fooling around in bed before he left for work in the morning. I was on my stomach and he was holding himself over me and kissing my neck, the head of his dick pressing on my cunt. I raised my hips towards him, and taking it as an invitation, he pushed forward and suddenly he was inside of me. I'd always thought we would talk about it beforehand — decide what to do. I'd thought I would feel more than I felt. It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel great either, and all I could think was, "Well, there goes that. I guess I'm not a virgin anymore."

We rolled onto our sides and finished in a spoon position. He pulled out and came on my back, and I felt relieved that it was over. He got me a cloth from the bathroom to clean up and then he held me and we talked. I was upset, but I felt like I shouldn't be. He told me it was okay, that it was better because it wasn't awkward. It had happened "naturally." He was two hours late for work that morning and I found that oddly comforting. 

I hadn't felt ready, but I decided that since I'd already lost it I might as well keep having sex with him. I came to his place when I finished work that night and we had sex again, with me on top. That second time, I couldn't believe how good it felt. Our relationship lasted for nearly a year. Amazingly, when I found out he was cheating on me, I was surprised.

We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
FIRST TIMES
According to just about every pre-college advice manual, floorcest is a bad idea.
"So no, I didn't lose my virginity in the most traditional way."
"He looked like if Ian Somerhalder and Gerard Butler had somehow created a baby."

Commentarium (26 Comments)

Jun 21 11 - 12:29am
completely

Beautiful. One of the best-written entries I can remember.

Jun 21 11 - 1:23am
Mitch

Apart from the use of the word cunt...

Jun 21 11 - 4:30am
AD

I'm a woman and I prefer the word cunt to the p word.

Jun 21 11 - 7:46am
@AD

eh sure, but it did feel slightly jarring here

Jun 21 11 - 10:35am
Jeffrey

@AD By design, I assume.

Jun 21 11 - 10:37pm
S.S.

Yeah, I'm not typically offended by language but I found it a bit jarring and out of place. It broke the continuity for me.

Jun 21 11 - 2:22am
asdf

Soooo, I've been reading these stories for forever, and one thing that seems to be common with them is that the girl isn't ready. Or doesn't have a good time. Or is surprised and let down by sex. Can anybody clue me into when a girl is ready because based on what I've experienced in life and read about it never, ever happens. Only two of my girlfriends were virgins, and they both said they weren't ready for our entire relationship, and I respected that, and when we broke up they were still virgins. One was 17, which was perfectly understandable back in the day, but the other was 30-something.

I'm not married but I've also heard stories about women who waited until their wedding night and STILL had a horrible time, which was compounded by her apprehension at knowing that everybody she knew in her life KNEW that she was going to be losing her virginity that night.

So as a guy who is interested in making a first-time experience for a woman as good as possible, I feel like I have no options and should just forget about the whole idea. Instead I should just liquor her up and go for it, and then we can talk about it afterwards. I can even be late for work and stuff like the guy in the story which makes it special.

Of course this is assuming I ever date a virgin again, which I generally try to avoid now.

Jun 21 11 - 2:39am
kayb

The fact that we put so much expectation and burden on this "virginity" label I think has a lot to do with the disappointment and hurt that many women feel upon losing it. In fact penetrative intercourse is just one act in the myriad that makes sexual experience. While giving a virgin this speech may not make this experience more pleasurable for her, obviously getting her drunk and slipping it in is unlikely to have better results

Jun 21 11 - 2:51am
@asdf

There's no one-size-fits-all advice. Every woman is different, but if you've given her a lot of orgasms in the past through other means (fingers, tongue), she'll probably be a lot more ready. It also helps if she trusts you and believes that you love her, or at least genuinely care about her. (My sense is that the author was mainly upset because she didn't feel like the guy loved her -- and he probably didn't, at that.)

Of course, it also depends on the person in other ways. Some women are really bothered by the idea of being penetrated; others love the idea. Some women openly yearn for intimacy and closeness; others are totally freaked out by it. Some women embrace the differences between the sexes; others are afraid of that difference, or resent it. Generally speaking if a woman seems like a warm, relaxed, and compassionate person, she's probably a more promising lay than someone who's neurotic, uptight, and self-absorbed.

Jun 21 11 - 3:15am
asdf

Ok, yes, those are good points. Making happy, compassionate virgins come a lot is also definitely not a burden.

Jun 21 11 - 12:40pm
AT

And also just in terms of actual intercourse technique so the first time doesn't feel too painful and awful - maybe try to make it a process: one night, talk about it, use lube and insert a finger, ask her how it feels; use lube, insert two fingers, ask her how that feels. Then the next night, again two fingers etc. Definitely use a condom and plenty of lube the first time the penis goes in.

Also, you can suggest that she break her own hymen (with the help of a mirror) and that way she can control the pressure and stop when she feels like it. (This last bit is based on a video I watched -- while training as a peer sex educator -- that they show to teens in Sweden. It was brilliant and made me wish girls were taught everywhere to break their own hymens, for the ones that have a hymen that is.) I think just encouraging that she self-explores will also go a long way.

Jun 21 11 - 3:44pm
FA

I was ready. So ready I picked up a homeless guy and got on top. No-one knows that, I don't look like that type of person at all :D

Jun 21 11 - 4:24pm
lm

Eh, I was ready. I was 16 and in love, and I had no regrets when I did it, but the first time kinda sucked. I remember thinking, "That's it?" It wasn't very exciting or eventful, and almost didn't seem worth the build-up, though I'm sure my boyfriend didn't think so. It got much, much better, but for a girl, the first time usually isn't going to be particularly pleasurable.

I did date a guy who told me he cried after he lost his virginity. So, it's not just girls.

Jun 21 11 - 11:40pm
LLL

I was 15 and I was READY. No regrets.

Jun 21 11 - 11:41pm
LLL

Also, i am a female. And even though I didn't orgasm until I was 18, I loved all the sex I was having.

Jun 22 11 - 12:50am
completely

I've been able to climax easily since I was pretty young. I lost my virginity when I was 16, and while it hurt (the years of horse-back riding did nothing!), I had just come, and I wasn't depending on sex to come in the future. I think it took a lot of the pressure off, I don't know. Also, the guy was a real sweetheart. He made it seem like we had started something new and exciting together, not like I had "lost" something of value.

Jul 22 12 - 11:24pm
CC

I'm ready but I was hoping to be dating for a month before doing it but can't find a guy.

Jun 21 11 - 12:05pm
rem

I was ready. I was older than a lot of girls (19), and I went in to it with my eyes open. I didn't expect it to be the best sexual experience of my life, or to transform me into a different person. Yes, the actual penetration hurt, but I expected that and wasn't surprised by it. What was great about it was that it wasn't just "stick it in." The guy I was with made sure I enjoyed myself in other ways. I don't think most high schoolers are mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle sex, which is why most people's first times suck.

Jun 21 11 - 5:02pm
Bery

Agree, sounds a lot like my first time (I was 21, or 22? It was on my birthday), and I married the guy, not that I'd planned it that way.

Jun 23 11 - 1:37pm
henrik2k

Uh, that last sentence wowed me. Again i ask myself how much professional editing - cleaning up, re-arranging, maybe re-inventing - goes into a published reader's story.

Jun 24 11 - 3:33am
anon

As the person who wrote this, I'll vouch for its accuracy - Nerve actually kept my original pretty much entirely intact, down to the punctuation.

Jun 26 11 - 1:20am
OMalley

I am quite surprised that a virgin in Thailand of all places, can't see a guy for what he is (a player) and is prepared to lose their own virginity to one. He was probably screwing 10 little Thai girls (some with STDs no doubt) on the go

Jun 26 11 - 4:03am
raj

not good

Jun 26 11 - 9:10am
Hayley

I adore this story. Well written and i could easily connect to it. well done :)

Nov 10 11 - 6:56pm
Alex

Having unprotected sex with a lecherous western businessman in Thailand. Very, very, veeeeery stupid. Hopefully natural selection will remove you from the gene pool before you have time to spawn.

Jan 23 12 - 10:02am
Anon

Why is Nerve full of judgemental bastards who insist on reading stories of something long past and delivering their verdict upon someone else's life? Oh, I forgot, someone else's virginity is so relevant to you that you're wishing them dead. You realise that, don't you?