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November 9, 2010
My First Time
Illustration by Thomas Pitilli
Female • 20 years old • Montreal, QC
I lost my virginity either really late on the night of September 5th, 2010, or really early on the morning of September 6th. The fact that it happened at all is still somewhat astonishing, considering the fact that I'm a massive neurotic with an anxiety disorder and a tendency to give into irrational fear. And few things in life are more potentially scary or sloppy than sex.
I was known in high school as the girl who never got drunk, never smoked, never tried drugs, and who was just generally wary of change. I ate the same thing for lunch for six years. In my life so far, I've had about four sips of alcohol. I didn't stay out past midnight until I was almost eighteen. I had my first kiss at nineteen — and I hated it.
The fact that it happened at all is astonishing, considering that I'm a massive neurotic with an anxiety disorder.
At twenty, I was an ancient virgin. The majority of my friends had an excess of experience, and most were younger than me. I liked books and cats. I wore old lady blouses with glasses and looked like an owl. I was not the type to get laid.
In the summer of 2009, one of my friends started seeing this guy. He was in a band. (Ooh-la-la.) She wanted me to meet him, and one night she took me away from a party and across the train tracks to the decrepit loft where he lived with his friends. (Yes, it was literally the "wrong side of the tracks.") I was sufficiently mortified by the place and the people in it. This little squeaky-clean girl had been dragged to hell.
The singer was rolling around on the floor and moaning into a microphone. Later, he drove me home, while my friend and her boyfriend made out in the back seat. The singer drove much too fast, and I held onto the dashboard for dear life. When I let myself out of the car he brazenly asked me if I was a virgin, and I flushed and told him that was none of his business.
A short while later, my friend called to tell me I was invited to a "Movie Night" at one of the bandmember's apartments. Of the guys in the band, this one had barely been on my radar the night I met them all. We sat on his couch in his unimpressive studio apartment in a sketchy part of the city and watched Reform School Girls. The next weekend, we watched something else. It became a routine thing. A group of us would get together, drink tea, have long conversations, and enjoy schlocky '80s movies.
This Guy Who Barely Registered would become my boyfriend. He courted me for a year without me realizing. Everyone knew he liked me before I did. In retrospect, it's all terribly obvious, but isn't everything? Perhaps I knew but was in denial because I was nervous. That would make a lot of sense.
Even when we were still painfully platonic, I felt absurdly comfortable around him. I liked that he was cynical, and I never felt I had to explain my thought process to him. It feels nice for someone just to get it. His opinions on life often mirrored mine.
He wasn't entirely emotionally balanced, but neither was I.
He was not the pale, angular British bloke I used to fantasize myself with. He was Muslim, and brown, and he snorted heroin and wore sunglasses at night and liked my Joy Division shirt. He wasn't entirely emotionally balanced, but neither was I. He was six years older than me, but I had always acted like a forty-year old, so it didn't matter. There may have been one million reasons why we weren't good together, but there were two million reasons why we were.
He bought me Goosebumps books and Public Image Ltd albums. We hooked up for the first time at his home in the middle of watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, with the singer passed out on the floor. When I stopped him and said I wasn't ready to go further, he assured me I would always be the one to set the pace, and he continued to treat me with patience and kindess.
Finally I decided to go on the Pill. I went to the clinic with another friend and naturally had a panic attack. I worried the Pill would kill me. It didn't.
We had months of increasingly intense foreplay before I felt safe that the Pill had kicked in and would be effective. He was very, very willing to eat me out, once even telling me that it was his favourite thing, and the way he got to know me best. He made me feel beautiful. I had never been desired before. The first time I gave him a hand-job, I was too embarassed to look at his penis while I did it. I did it under a sheet, without lube, and it was awful. The idea of giving oral paralyzed me at first, but with time I've come to love it, because it makes me feel intoxicated with power to see him driven so wild — and besides, it's only fair to return the favor.
After a local, annual punk festival called Fear & Loathing, where his band played, we finally had "real sex." It was bad, and it hurt, and I was insecure. I even cried because I felt so useless. He was encouraging.
It has gotten much better since that first attempt, and I don't regret overcoming my nerves and taking a chance and being open to new things. I'm still imperfect, and so is he. I still have moments of hysteria, but he always tells me there's no need for apologies, and that I'm worrying for nothing. I love when he gives me a constellation of hickies on my back and bruises my inner-thighs. I love when he's half-asleep and rolls over and puts an arm around me. I love his messy apartment, with the broken fridge and the wolf blanket and the Ramadan calendar and the bass guitar. I love him.
We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
We became friends right from the start. We found that we had the same cynical and sexual sense of humor.
"I can't tell you how glad I am that I never signed that 'True Love Waits' pledge."
"I had never planned to lose my virginity to a guy—let alone Rob. I planned to pretend to be straight for as long as possible."
Commentarium (41 Comments)
great story and i absolutely love the illustration, she looks like the owl she describes herself as.
Best story ever
This is pretty amazing.
This is one of my favorites. It's so sweet and honest.
Heroin sucks! Best to start getting in the habit of counting your pocket money every night.
I love it. It's refreshingly real! :)
This is one of my favorites of the series so far--quirky and honest and sweet. Though I must say that the mention of heroin was a big red flag... I'm far from an expert, but it's a pretty serious, highly-addictive drug, right?!? I hope this guy continues to treat you right.
what kind of band name is "Ooh-la-la?" can't find them on iTunes...
I think she meant "Ooh-la-la" in the sense that he is in a band, not that "Ooh-la-la" is the name of his band.
nice
Fellow Montrealer here. What a sweet story :)
I think I'm trying to romance someone like you. I will follow this story's advice and take it slow and be encouraging.
Wonderful :)
I want to believe this isn't true because they both sound far too cool and far too nice and I've persuaded myself for so long that I never want to be in a relationship again.
Oh man do I identify with this girl. No partying until adulthood, don't like to stay out late, not feeling sexual, and especially the bit about not looking during the first hand job (I cringe to remember). But man, I couldn't and wouldn't want to be any other way, and if I was I wouldn't have turned out the way I am, and that would be a shame.
I love this. i love this girl. favorite. they sound awesome together.
This story is fantastic.
This is a cute story and I liked it, but I worry that because it's this girl's first she doesn't realize how dealing with a heroin user is always going to end badly. Band member and religious would be enough to end it for some, but the heroin is the real deal-killer.
I hope she realizes she can get love and good sex from other guys too -- ones her age -- when this falls apart.
shame on you person!
this is a dude, writing as if he were a girl, and trying to win over the people who bitch about how these suck from time to time.. and i didn't like it.
Good one.
Hey I relate to this girl hardcore. I think it's totally realistic, personally. And I like it.
@mark "ooh-la-la" is just supposed to be a funny comment after "he was in a band" because, ya know, every girl likes a guy who's in a band....
I've never commented here before, but this first time compelled me to.
absolutely gorgeous, the awkwardness, the brutal honesty, and her raw description of herself - it absolutely made it for me.
my favorite story my far!
Even as a guy, I can kinda sympathise. Going from the so normal as to be abnormal kid in school, settling down into adult life, even if you have to go a little further than most to do it.
"I was known in high school as the girl who never got drunk, never smoked, never tried drugs, "
"I'm a massive neurotic with an anxiety disorder and a tendency to give into irrational fear."
This sounds like me. I will be 24 next month and still a virgin.
I always think to myself, what's the point if i know they have no intention of staying?
the last guy i dated planned to graduate from grad school and go back to his country. He never introduced me to his friends. he kept me separate. I felt unloved and when he broke up with me through text message, i began my old cycle of not trusting men. I went on alot of first dates then stopped completely focusing on work and college.
strangely enough, i recently became friends with a guy I always pictured as a "good boyfriend." same sense of humor, similar taste in art, film, activities, and food. This is bad timing though as we are both taking a break from the dating scene. I am just emotionally drained. I just like the company- The conversations over dinner and film.
I loved this story. So sweet.
But to all the people that keep saying "Oh, they'll never make it" Who made you guys the experts? I absolutely cannot -stand- it when people do that. I know they're just "being honest" but that does not give you the right to say things like "oh, it probably wont work" or "oh, you're gonna fall apart, because clearly since he's a drug-user he's gonna be horrible to you really soon" I've dealt with drug-users, and drugs all of my life. And this guy sounds genuine. Good luck :>
And for once, I'm going to be the one to say: I'm sure you'll work out!
Can I take a picture with your blog? Very pleased. Link to your esstestvenno put.
It's so lovely to read a story involving patience and understanding. That's refreshing.
I'm ice, but this just defrosted me... a bit.
This is the best story in the series. It's real, doesn't sound at all like a fantasy, but it's raw and brazen. Really well written.
My favorite story in this series so far.
Hello everyone, this is the actual Kelly who was responsible for writing and submitting this story. I'm sure anyone who reads this won't believe me, but that is out of my control.
Firstly, I wanted to thank everyone who bothered to read and comment on My First Time, it's nice to think that my first relationship touched people or gave them the warm fuzzies.
Unfortunately, I was dumped shortly after I wrote this, which is ironic, I suppose.
It was for alot of reasons, one of them being that he could not marry me, due to religious differences. Since he is getting older, I think he has it set in his head to put a stop to a majority of his drug use and pre-marital sex. He told me I was wasting my energy on him.
Things were more or less fine at first, and he insisted on staying friends, but because I'm so neurotic and insecure i struggled with impulse control and intense jealousy. He was, after all, the first person I've loved.
I tried to sabotage this one potential hook up he was planning, and we had a massive fight, in which he called me a cunt, and I was equally as spiteful.
We avoided eachother for a month, then made the mistake of going back to having sex a few times. He was horny and I missed him. I told him I was still too emotionally attached by eventually caved.
When he did not contact me for a week, I assumed my sex with the ex was done.
I continued to visit places where he was, and hear him on the phone with other girls, and all the jealous rage came flooding back. My face grew hot, I felt homocidal. I made the mistake of acting like he was still mine.
I have since been labelled a "psycho bitch", and the last time I saw him he cold-shouldered me pretty severely. I deserve alot of it; he tried to be chill and I kept wrecking my chances by being feverishly possesive.
I get the impression that he resents me now, and we are finally having the distance we need. He is out of the country for two weeks, and we do no speak.
I am still very hurt and think about the entire situation alot.
I am finally in therapy to address my many issues.
It sucks to think I've made him hate me with my behaviour, but I still don't regret the months we shared, and the way he got me to come out of my shell.
I regret alot of the aftermath, and the choices we both made. I learned my lessons the hard way.
I am still in the process of moving on.
I feel lonely, I feel like I'll never care about someone so much again, but I am trying to focus on myself and repairing other splintered friendships.
xo
I'm sorry it all came apart so messily.
I hope therapy works out for you. I too lost my virginity fairly late and had it all fall apart quickly. The experience was repeated several times, and now it's been almost a decade since I've been in a relationship. It's pretty much the only remnant of my severe social anxiety that remains, more from force of habit more than anything else. Once you've been alone for a very long time, you get rather attached to solitude. Probably not the best lifestyle choice, perhaps, but a feasible one in my case.
It will get better, don't give up hope.
I really loved your story. It was the most moving and affecting of all the 1st time stories I have read. I'm sorry it ended so painfully, but I'm so glad that you don't regret the experience. It is worth the pain. When we're young and feel love so intensely, we are so vulnerable to acting impulsively and recklessly, but I think those are valid behaviors of youth, and they help to shape us in good ways that we aren't fully understanding of when it's happening. I can tell by your writing and sensitivity, that this experience has opened your world up to feeling and sharing love and will well equip you for the next being you share your self and love with. With practice it will be amazing.
Nice slow story (with a sad ending from reading your "PS" in the comments). Thanks.
i love this
Wow, we are so alike. I was the type of guy who didn't party, hadn't done drugs, and have had pretty much the same thing for lunch for about 10 years. Still have not found anyone yet though, although I havn't been looking anyway. Good luck in your life journey!
For some reason i just really love this story- especially her last paragraph where she explains why she loves him. x))) I havent commented on the 50 ive read so far-but i just had to on this one. Very well written!
na puku chala dulaga undi avaru ina nanu degadi plz naku nakandi naku sukum evadi
I’ve read this story and to me it reads like delusional neurotic puppy love, except the guy seems to have been looking for a conquest which normally would be way beyond his league. Whether it’s “real” or not does not matter, but the whole “relationship” was extremely dysfunctional and by definition could not have lasted beyond the fling period. Best to move on earlier than later and gain some confidence in yourself, then the rest will come. But the good news is that you stayed away from the drugs and learned some lessons. I will also say that you were not anywhere near as sheltered or innocent as you think you were since you were at a party where there were hard drugs and also with sketchy band members, as well as with other peers who had “life experience” and what seems like rather negative influences in your life. I would also say that from the things you were doing at that young age you seem very social actually and definitely a risk taker. Some things you have to figure out on your own and not by following other people.
I’m also the type of person who didn't party, hadn't done drugs, and have had pretty much the same thing for lunch everyday...and then I met someone just like me. I’ve also never been anywhere near drugs, don’t go to parties, and am highly educated. I’m a total virgin and in my late 20s. I’ve also been dating the most wonderful person for several months now and besides a few kisses and some hand holding, there has been no sex or anything physically intimate. But I know this is for the long term so we are taking our time getting to know each other and being comfortable with each other (and we both know what we want from a relationship). Otherwise we are quite similar to each other in terms of age, education, experience, personality and so on. Like does attract like. Online dating can help too. Entering a relationship later in life with someone truly special and worthwhile can make it definitely worth the wait (especially since everything that we do feels truly special). It only takes that one special person, sooner or later!