My First Time

Male, 17, Philadelphia, PA

I met Alice through the lead singer in my band. She went to a different high school, but was the same age as me, and though she had a boyfriend at the time, I flirted with her unabashedly, completely turning her against me. She came to one of our shows, and I continued my "charming asshole" routine, which she continued to hate.

But then we started chatting through AOL Instant Messenger, and I managed to endear myself enough to her that we ended up hanging out one night a few weeks after she and her boyfriend had broken up, making out on my bed under the Christmas lights and posters for local punk shows that covered my walls. Over the next few days of nightly chatting, I mentioned to her that I'd wanted to lose my virginity for a long time, but that I didn't want to make a big to-do out of it — I wanted to get it over with as few feelings involved as possible. This was because I was seventeen, immature, and horny. She gamely volunteered, saying that it would be "fun," before warning me that it was just because she thought we had good physical chemistry; the second any feelings beyond lust were expressed, she would leave. She was just out of a relationship and wanted a rebound — nothing more, nothing less.

I duly practiced with the condom and awaited the day with equal parts fear and excitement. "The day" turned out to be December 26. My parents away for some reason, and I had the house to myself.

Alice and I holed up in my room, getting progressively naked-er and hornier. I got very cold and started shaking — that's one of my most vivid memories of that day. The moment arrived. I put the condom on and she nimbly guided me in. I got very warm.

"Ooh, that's it," she cooed in my ear, but before it built to anything more substantial, I came, within what felt like thirty seconds, though I'm not entirely sure it was even that long. I pulled out and awkwardly disposed of the condom.

"How was it?" she asked. I thought for a minute.

"I want to do it again." So, after a little while, we did. I proved more successful this time — Alice came, pulling hard at my hips as she did, and I felt acquitted.

You don't have to love someone to sleep with them, but maybe you shouldn't repeatedly sleep with someone you don't want to fall in love with. Alice and I continued casually sleeping together, in large part due to what still stands as some of the best sexual chemistry I've ever had with anyone, but I developed feelings for her, which she continually dismissed. Eventually, she told me I didn't know what I was talking about and stopped answering my calls. Embittered, I lashed out, emailing her a quote from Kerouac, one of her favorite authors: "Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken." Her response was "How dare you?"

A year later, when I was eighteen and fresh out of a relationship of my own, we met up again, and then we were together constantly for the next eight months, before breaking up when we went off to different colleges. I had a larger part in ending it, mostly because I didn't want a long-distance relationship, but also because a very small, very mean part of me wanted to hurt her as she'd hurt me.

Our relationship got very thorny after that. We would still meet every now and again to have incredible sex, but she would tell me that she'd never love anyone like she loved me, and I would tell her that I didn't love her anymore, sometimes as we lay together, still naked and out of breath. I think back to acts of nineteen-year-old cruelty like that and cringe. She deserved better.

Our relationship is still confusing and a little sadder now, but whenever I think back to that December afternoon, I smile, and I hope she does too.

We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
According to just about every pre-college advice manual, floorcest is a bad idea.
"So no, I didn't lose my virginity in the most traditional way."
"He looked like if Ian Somerhalder and Gerard Butler had somehow created a baby."

Commentarium (13 Comments)

Jun 18 12 - 12:15pm

this was sweet and very real/relatable, i think we've all been there

Jun 19 12 - 6:52am

On of the more realistic first-timers on this site

Jun 19 12 - 10:28am

This is one of the best ones I've read here. I'm glad I'm not the only one who cringes about stuff that I did a long time ago.

Also: AOL Instant Messenger!!!

Jun 19 12 - 11:30am

Sweet story but she "c(a)me, pulling hard at (your) hips." It's a charming ego stroke but it was your second time EVER having sex? And you were 17? She didn't come. And if you really still think she did, you might need to get better at identifying fake orgasms.

Jun 19 12 - 4:38pm

She could have faked it, or she could be one of a small but not insignificant percentage of women who just come *really easily*. Men tend to remember these women as offering them "some of the best sexual chemistry I've ever had with anyone" -- which may not be an inaccurate statement either, but these women tend to have that chemistry with lots of other dudes too. And every dude just tells himself he's special, which is to be expected.

Jun 20 12 - 6:32am

Your bed partner doesn't make you come, you make yourself come. Judging by his story, she had already experience so chances are she already knew what she wanted and what position worked best for her.

Sep 12 12 - 3:05pm

So true

Jun 19 12 - 5:36pm

you had me at the christmas lights and punk posters. :)

Jun 20 12 - 7:11pm

As realistic as this story feels, I can't help but irritated by the affectations of the narrator. You e-mailed a line from a Kerouac novel? I almost barfed on my laptop. Still, this is well written and authentic feeling. Doesn't mean I have to like the kid, though.

Jun 25 12 - 10:26am
The Narrator

hey, I was 17, what do you want? I make no bones about my teenage affectations.

Jun 21 12 - 3:18pm

"I flirted with her unabashedly"????????? Who writes like this but a writer??
These stories are at very least, RE-WRITES!!!!!!!
They must have so much added to them that I doubt the original person (if there is a real person behind this) would even recognize themselves.
I'm so sick of this section.

Jun 21 12 - 3:49pm

...a lot of people who aren't professional writers know the word "unabashedly." (A lot of them also limit the punctuation marks to the traditional one, but what do they know?)

Jul 05 12 - 11:17pm
A former contributor

I wrote and submitted a "My First Time" article that Nerve published a few months later, completely unchanged. Even my original punctuation was left exactly as I had written it. Nonetheless, several comments centered around the assumption that it was obviously fake, or heavily edited. Is it so difficult to accept that Nerve contributors might be competent, well-educated writers? Let's give ourselves some credit, please.