My First Time

Illustration by Thomas Pitilli

Male • 19 • Miami, FL

I had made it through high school and my first year of college as a virgin. I never really discussed my status with anyone — I just played along like one of the experienced ones. Being in a fraternity, I had access to girls, parties, alcohol, and drugs. There were girls who I hooked up with at that point — sometimes getting as far as third base — but I had never had sex. It wasn't for lack of trying either. I'd prod potential partners with alcohol, suggestions, whatever I thought might work other than a relationship. Finding a girlfriend was one avenue I had no interest in, and having little experience, I didn't quite know how to hook up.

After my freshman year away at college, I came home to find a summer job. There was a cute girl two years younger than me who'd had a crush on me in high school. When I was a senior and she was a sophomore, she used to write me poems and notes which she'd cleverly hide in my locker or somewhere else for me to find. We had flirted but never really dated; she was cute and all, but like I mentioned, I wasn't into having a girlfriend.

She probably thought of me as a boyfriend, but I'd just bring her along as an alternative to hanging out with my buddies...

When I got back to town, I called her and we started going out. I still wouldn't call her my girlfriend really — more like a party friend. She probably thought of me as a boyfriend, but I'd just bring her along as an alternative to hanging out with my buddies. Plus, then we'd go somewhere and make out or she'd let me feel her up. I was starting to see the benefits of this girlfriend thing. And all my friends thought she was pretty cool.

One night we found ourselves at a friend's house. We ended up smoking some pot and drinking some beers. My friends ducked out and we had a bedroom all to ourselves. After we made out, I began my advancement on her, heavy petting, under the shirt, bra off, hand down her pants — nothing we hadn't done before. She told me she'd had sex before and I didn't say anything; I let her assume I was experienced too. She told me she was on the pill but still didn't want me to come inside her. I was fine with that — hell, I was about to have sex!

I got inside her and was really enjoying myself. Then it all went downhill fast. She asked me if I'd come yet and I said no. Maybe it was the beer or the pot, but I was lasting longer than an inexperienced virgin should last (probably a good three minutes or so at that point). Then she asked me to stop, and I did. She said that we shouldn't be doing this because we weren't in love. I can still remember her words: "We're not making love, we're making like." Making like was fine with me, but apparently not her. She cried and made me take her home.

Despite the trauma, I was still pretty jazzed about no longer being a virgin. That unique feeling of being inside a woman was so thrilling to me. As soon as I got home, I went right into the bathroom and masturbated. We spoke several times after that, but I think she realized I just wasn't a relationship kind of guy. I really didn't love her and I'm not the kind of person to just say it to get my way. I ran into her a few years later and she was quite cold to me — not that I blame her — but I've evolved quite a bit since then. The rest of my college career and a little beyond was filled with many more partners, some more, some less memorable. But like most people, good or bad, I will always remember my first time.

We're looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.
FIRST TIMES
If I go out wearing those boots, I’m going to get at least one compliment per hour.
By sheer chance, Jack and I both ended up in Shanghai that summer.
According to just about every pre-college advice manual, floorcest is a bad idea.

Commentarium (40 Comments)

Feb 15 11 - 2:40am
Zeig

She was in love with you. I think you broke her heart.

Feb 17 11 - 2:02am
Monicakkk123

I'd fantasised about other girls, but never had the courage to fulfil those fantasies. However, when I was 17 we had a foreign student staying. She walked in on me while I was ************ (I thought I was alone at home, so I was really going for it!). Things went on from there...
I'm looking for a girl who is up for some fun ? Add me on biromances.com if you liek what you see ?

Feb 15 11 - 2:57am
Ugh...

Let me get this straight: You're not the type of person to say "it" ("I love you") to get your way; you're just the type to "prod potential partners with alcohol, suggestions, whatever [you] thought might work other than a relationship"?

What a fucking prince.

Feb 15 11 - 3:57am
ironic

I've had girls do the same thing to me, manipulate me like they want a relationship just for a fling. They didn't think about my feelings when they did it. Why do you talk like men are the only manipulative bitches?

Feb 15 11 - 5:14am
easy there

S/he was commenting about the writer's behavior (rightly, I'd say), and made no larger comment about men/women in general.

Feb 15 11 - 8:05am
nope

I don't think you know what "ironic" means.

Feb 15 11 - 8:07am
nope

I saw the picture on top and thought, "Damn, the artist really made him look like a jackass." After reading it: well played, artist, well played.

Really though, it was just as real as the last one, and an unusual type of person/story for Nerve, so it was refreshing in its own way.

Feb 15 11 - 11:16am
@ugh

Why do people expect so much from teenagers? Christ, what a presumptuous, judgmental jerk you are

Feb 15 11 - 12:54pm
LM

I expect better from 19 year olds because they are not sociopaths, generally know how they should treat a person, and know the difference between lying, coercive, manipulative behavior and not lying, coercive, manipulative behavior.

Feb 15 11 - 1:16pm
MrsF

I'd agree with Ugh and Easy There. It's hard to think the writer's oh-so-ethical by not wanting to say he loves someone if he doesn't mean it, when he was willing to use just about any other ploy to get into someone's pants.

Feb 15 11 - 1:19pm
JRoxx

Folks, one of the most disappointing things about this series is when its so obvious when someone is making a fake story. This guy was an ass-hat, that's for sure - but at least he had the guts to be honest about it and tell it like it was.

You all shouldn't be that surprised either - its like you've never met a 19 year old male bastige before, and i seriously doubt that.

Personally i thought it was odd that lasting more than two minutes was considered a negative thing... but i think from her point of view i can understand. It was perhaps a naive expectation, but i understand at least.

Thank you for your contribution Author, and well done illustrator for portraying the author like an authentic ass-hat.

Feb 15 11 - 3:35pm
nn

See, I think the ironic thing here, is that by being one of those people who claim every semi-nice virginity-losing story is fake, you are very much enabling the sort of behavior this dude took part in. Teenage men aren't always animals, but whenever someone goes around expecting them to be, that makes the confused ones more likely to do shitty stuff because they figure "boys will be boys."

Feb 15 11 - 4:15pm
nope

No one is saying all of the nice ones are fake. Last one was sappy as hell but everyone knew it was real. Sometimes the ones that get called fake are actually not sweet at all: "I was young and naive, he was so cool, then we had sex and it totally hurt and I kind of regret it," rinse and repeat.

Feb 15 11 - 1:55pm
some bitchcunt

Wow. The most quietly sociopathic of all the ones I had read. Sorry dude, you don't have any emotions and peering into your void was a decent diversion for 5 mins. Hope you grow a soul, eventually.

Feb 15 11 - 2:18pm
TwiddlerOnTheHoof

I'm with JRoxx and co... Better an authentic tale from an ass-rug than insincere style exercise. That alone suggests this guy is not a sociopath (how overused is that word these days). He was a horny, selfish, manipulative adolescent with no relationship experience who, as an adult, seems to have evolved some reflective clarity of his behaviour then. Hardly unique and far from pathological.

Feb 15 11 - 2:32pm
T Joe

I'm amused by how people defend this fellow. He's an asshole. End of story. Being an adolescent isn't an excuse, realizing it later isn't an excuse, being honest doesn't make it better. Asshole, the end.

Unfortunately most people are like this.

Feb 15 11 - 4:19pm
well

But what is the point of reading something like this? Is it to pass judgment on the author? Hopefully not. Hopefully it's to broaden your understanding and learn about people different than yourself. I think him being someone that you consider an asshole just makes it better for that purpose.

Feb 15 11 - 9:04pm
LM

Most people's point in reading these is not to broaden their understanding and learn about people different from themselves, and god help them if it is. For that you can take an anthropology class or hell read just about anything else, ever. For most people, its just to be nosy, or, its there, and you may as well read it, even though the fact that it exists just pisses you off. (Both are true for me). This guy isn't a sociopath. If he were a sociopath, he wouldn't be an asshole. He is an asshole, and he clearly hasn't learned what an asshole he is, because he still makes all sorts of excuses for himself.

Feb 16 11 - 9:25pm
JRoxx

Who's defending him? I dont see anyone saying "aww c'mon guys, you got it all wrong - he was really a nice guy!"

Feb 15 11 - 9:10pm
oy

Why are people always so quick to whine about judgment passing? Agreed that we shouldn't all be judgmental dicks, but if someone acts like a major asshole and then makes excuses for himself and seems to have no awareness of how shitty his actions were, he's probably an asshole. We should all be able to tell the difference. Being 19 does not have anything to do with it.

Feb 15 11 - 11:54pm
S

Wonder why he's not into relationships.

Feb 16 11 - 12:53am
Stupid

Stupid

Feb 16 11 - 4:10pm
LAC

To those who are all worked up about what an "asshole" this guy is: what should he have done differently? Forget about the narrative voice (and its slightly creepy lack of affect), and focus on his actions: what did he DO, exactly, that was so utterly shitty?

Because honestly, the only thing this guy seems to have done "wrong" was to sleep with a girl who cared about him more intensely, or more deeply, than he cared about her. It may not be the kindest thing in the world to do, but every commenter in this thread over the age of 18 has probably done that, if not much worse.

So I'm amused by all the righteous indignation because it's really not about what this guy did, because most of us have done it, more or less. It's about the fact that he's not acting properly penitential about it -- even though the only difference between him and most teenage guys looking to lose their virginity is that he DIDN'T claim to love her. And yeah, I think gender is in play here, because people get a LOT more worked up about this behavior when it comes from men.

If you ARE enraged by his behavior, maybe it's more relevant to ask whether this isn't the inevitable consequence of our society's sexual politics, which conflate sex and love in all the wrong ways. We teach boys to think sex is a rare commodity, something you have to scheme to acquire; we teach girls that sex is exploitative ("you took advantage of her") unless the guy professes his love, or goes through the motions thereof. Our whole conception of sexuality is deeply cynical and adversarial. How is it any wonder that teenagers treat each other like things, instead of people?

Feb 16 11 - 8:36pm
S

It's too easy to blame society. There are plenty of basically decent teenage boys out there who grew up in the same society. Praise them and punish the indecent ones with negative judgment or else value and morality go out the window anyway. Everybody needs to know that these kinds of motivations are unacceptable, even if they are a product of the times.

Feb 16 11 - 8:52pm
nn

I agree with "S." And also, I disagree that all of us over the age of 18 have knowingly slept with someone who cared more about us than we have about them. I have not done it, and many of my female friends also have not. I think the ability to do that (at least without having a thorough conversation about where both peoples' feelings are at beforehand) is pretty inherently selfish.

Feb 17 11 - 12:56am
LAC

I might agree with you more if it were any doubt that she knew exactly what was going on, but there's no evidence in the slightest that he was deceptive about his feelings. Sure, it probably would've been the "right" thing to do for him to refuse to be sexual with her, but then again it's also possible to be pining for someone's deeper affections AND to enjoy having sex with them for its own sake (as anyone who's gotten attached to an FWB or had post-breakup sex can tell you). Maybe she thought she just wanted to get laid, but found the emotions were too much. I guess I'm not sure why it's his moral responsibility to protect her from the consequences of her own actions, especially given that he was the less sexually experienced partner of the two, which is a refreshing break from the usual Victorian narrative of cad vs. ingenue.

And, for that matter, I regret stipulating that she "cared" more about him, because we don't actually know that. He says she had had a crush on him, and it's obvious that she was more INTERESTED in him than vice versa, but for all we know, he was little more than a collection of fantasies and projections to her. Certainly many crushes are nothing more than that: one person projecting what they want the other to be, rather than who that person really is. Ultimately, maybe each of them was looking for the other to fill a role -- sexual-partner object vs. boyfriend object -- and given that the author basically sounds like a walking absence, it doesn't seem like a stretch.

Feb 17 11 - 1:04pm
nn

He said that she probably considered him her boyfriend, he did not, and he did nothing to disavow her of that misunderstanding. It doesn't get much simpler than that -he was being selfish. And also, in our culture, girls are still raised with the idea that boys who want to have sex with them but not be their bfs don't respect them as human beings. This is one thing guys need to learn to accept and deal with head on.

Feb 17 11 - 9:07pm
LAC

"This is one thing guys need to learn to accept and deal with head on." ...or treat as the complete bullshit that it is? Sorry, but I find that notion incredibly pernicious, and see no reason to respect or accept it, any more than women should accept any number of sexist beliefs that men might harbor. It's one thing to choose only to have sex with people who love you, or who want to commit to you: OK, fine. But wanting to have sex with someone, but not wanting a relationship, is NOT disrespectful or exploitative, and no one should feel ashamed of that for an instant. The guilt promulgated by that idea -- "I slept with you, so you owe me or you're a bad person" -- is IMHO one of the biggest sources of male resentment towards women, and breeds endless bad blood between the sexes.

BTW it doesn't sound like he did anything during sex to make her realize that he didn't love her; rather, she knew it all along, and when the chips were down, found that it was too painful for her. I sympathize, but it's her job to assert her own needs, not his.

Feb 18 11 - 6:03pm
nn

You missed the point. You are obviously male, as you're seeing this from a typical guy perspective. If a girl wants you to be her bf, you don't want that, and you wind up having sex anyway, you're not the one being hurt the most. Wanting a bf isn't about wanting to own a guy. Wanting to have sex with someone who wants something different than you is about feeling entitled to sex with that person regardless of their feelings. It's about objectifying a woman.

Feb 18 11 - 7:05pm
LAC

"Wanting a bf isn't about wanting to own a guy." It can be, actually! Or at least, people will absolutely go into relationships because they want a person to fill a role in their life, rather than because they care deeply for and appreciate that specific individual. Haven't you ever seen one of your female friends go boyfriend-hunting, let alone (ugh) "baby-daddy" hunting?

Also, I have no idea how you make the leap from "we BOTH want to have sex, but I know that she cares about me more than I do her" to "I feel entitled to have sex with her regardless of her feelings". It's a variation on the old trope that if you don't love a girl, then you're taking advantage of her by having sex with her -- or in your words, "objectifying" her -- as if there's no middle ground between "I love you" and "you're just a sex object to me".

And again, what about the girl who wants to have sex AND wants the guy to be her boyfriend? Plenty of people plan to get laid while hoping for more, then realize that they can't handle the ensuing surge of emotions. Adults advocate for their own needs, and don't expect other people to protect them from the consequences of their own actions.

Feb 18 11 - 7:15pm
Miami

Wow, great discussion. I like reading both sides of view.

I was watching the Shawshank Redemption last night and the scene where Morgan Freeman goes before the parole board the last time strikes me as relevant. Paraphrasing, he basically says that he'd like to go back and speak with that young man, talk some sense into him. But he can't because that young man is long gone.

That's how I feel. 20 years ago I was very callous regarding such things, I treated women poorly. If I could go back and talk with that young man, I'd have given him a lot of advice, advise him against such things. Better yet, provide him with a better example, an example that he didn't have back then but ironically enough I can provide now.

Feb 18 11 - 8:02pm
LAC

@Miami: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I guess one reason this is a hot-button issue for me is that I made the opposite mistake when I was young: I got into a lot of relationships that I had no business being in, because I felt guilty about hooking up (or having sex) with a girl and didn't want her to accuse me of "using" her -- even though I knew in my heart she wasn't someone about whom I could ever be wholeheartedly passionate.

That doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate them as people, or treat them with respect and decency. But I wasted their time, and mine as well. As a result, I missed out on some golden opportunities to connect with other girls I *could* feel passionate about, because I didn't want to be a cheater. It would've been better, actually, to be more callous -- it would've saved time and caused them and me less pain, even if it would've meant facing their feelings of anger and betrayal.

I wish I could tell my teenage/early 20s self that just because you sleep with someone doesn't mean you owe them ANYTHING beyond basic human respect. Part of being young is breaking hearts, trying new things, and figuring out what makes you feel good in mind, body, and spirit. It might hurt someone when they come to understand that you don't want to be a part of their lives in that way, but part of growing up is dealing with the way it feels to not get what you want.

Feb 19 11 - 2:50pm
Miami

@LAC
Interesting angle. Yea, I saw a lot of people take that route. My advice to my younger self would have been to be more up front with this girl. It's OK to not love her, but don't lead her to believe otherwise. Honestly I wasn't intending to lead her on, but I was blind to her affection. A short time later I was more upfront with girls. I even turned down a few girls who wanted to sleep with me but I knew that their feelings were much more intense than mine. I also had FBuddies and some "fun" girlfriends but again I was more upfront. Eventually I found someone that I fell in love with and she with me. Been together married 15 years now.

Feb 16 11 - 11:21pm
SM

Making up stories really isn't as easy as you think, guys. Besides, most of these stories are so trite and Hollywood that I actually believe them.

Mar 04 11 - 5:18pm
another bitchcunt

Are me & "some bitchcunt" the only ones that noticed that this guy is at best "quietly sociopathic" and more probably a complete serial rapist? ummm... he tried plying women with alcohol, anything that would work? He notes that she's totally fucked up too, but never stops to question whether or not she's OK with having unprotected sex as he's just "really enjoying" himself? He says that she cried and made him take her home, but he still masturbated to the memory of it? HE thought it was traumatic? FYI... IF SHES CRYING, you probably shouldn't be having sex with her right then.

by the way, typical sexually sociopathic behavior often involves masking obvious signs of victim trauma behind veiled descriptions of the situation/a focus on the PERPETRATORS intent: i.e., "I'm just not that into having relationships, and I was pretty jazzed about not being a virgin... oh, and by the way, she was, like, crying and kept asking me to stop..."

Mar 22 11 - 12:10pm
Ah, wrong

"oh, and by the way, she was, like, crying and kept asking me to stop..." That's not in the story at all and I'm not sure why you think the writer is sociopathic when you are the one making things up.

Let me quote the story for you because you can't seem to read it:
"Then she asked me to stop, and I did. She said that we shouldn't be doing this because we weren't in love. ... She cried and made me take her home."

I know the actual story doesn't fit your little preconceived fantasy about all men being monsters, maybe you should write your own story instead of misquoting others. Serial rapist, please!

Mar 10 11 - 5:20pm
dety

to be real,this is the behaviour of an average guy, they re always more jazzed up about sex than we ladies, though my first time wasnt painful,i cant actually point when it was but my man did it gradually everynight for a week.

Mar 16 11 - 12:06pm
ab

I've had pretty horrible experiences sexually with teenage boys, but I really would like to believe that it was only my luck that I had run into the rotten apples. This series is not helping me to gain more trust in men and think stereotypically that "all men are horrible" at all. What a fucking jackass.

May 24 11 - 5:32pm
hannah

dude. you sound like a huge asshole. poor girl :(

Jul 13 11 - 2:26am
kl

i really don't like this guy, you used and traumatised this poor girl. ok its not a rape either but you should feel a little guilty about this first time you should have done it with a college party one night stand or something not a girl who you knew had a crush on you- not cool!