My First Time

My First Time: Female, 19, Washington, DC

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We’re looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don’t worry, we won’t print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.

He’ll be sensitive. He’ll say things that make your heart melt more than those said by the tenth grade crush who gave you your first kiss or the drunken college best friend who you hooked up with after he walked you home from the rugby house party. He’ll want to be dominated and tell you that he wants you to be his first. He’ll want you to have the strength of a man, but the demeanor of a lady, the ruthlessness of a master, but the love of a timid school girl.

He’ll fly 1,500 miles to spend three days in the city with you, turning over and over in the sheets until on the last day, he asks you to straddle his waist and choke him while riding his hips. He’ll tell you to degrade him, shame him, put him in his place, “embarass him for his sexuality,” so that he can reach a release so high in the sky, you think you’re orgasming too. He’ll cry for days at a time because he’s not man enough to wait to hold you. He’ll say he wants to be called “fag” because that’s what makes him get there faster. Mind fuck, mind fuck, fuck, fuck, release. You’re not sure if this can be love since it’s so unconventional. Some days you wake up with the upper hand. Some days you wake up to him sobbing because he thinks he wants to be with a man. The confusion tells your mind to get the fuck out before he cheats on you, but you stay because you want this to mean something.

Right before school starts again, he’ll realize he needs to see you again. You will meet at the metro, go into the city to introduce him to your roommates before he takes you in a hotel room 5 miles from my house. He will be careful, gentle and calm, but the pain at first will be unbearable. He will be bigger than any guy you will have ever gone down on and he will warn you, but you will still be so unprepared. You guys will even have messed around in the beginning to ease you into it, but you will still be so much smaller. Eventually, you guys will have switched positions and you are dominating again and when you finally sink onto him, you will look at each other mouths agape. You’ll stuff your panties at his mouth to gag him playfully and he will moan like a little bitch but you’ll accept it. You will never feel as sexy as when he took you that weekend and even though you guys are not together now, you will be happy you both shared that experience of finally being with someone you both truly enjoyed.

The next morning, you will wake up to a note saying you’re better than any girl or guy he’s ever had, but you’ve become jack of all trades, master of none, and he needs love.