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My Parents Grade My Exes
"I was afraid she was going to stab you."
By Charlie Adams
1. Elena (2003-2004)
First girl I ever kissed; originally my best friend's girlfriend. We had a pretty unhealthy relationship and she strung me along at every chance she got. She'd gush about all the new guys she was interested in, but got jealous when I talked about someone I liked.
Mom: Goddess of darkness. She had a strange way of slinking around, like a little stray cat. As a couple, you two had Fatal Attraction written all over you. I was afraid she was going to stab you.
Dad: I didn't find her that friendly.
M: Every time your dad and I drove past her house, he'd say, "There's Elena's house. She'd just as soon kill us as look at us."
D: On the other hand, she was very nice to you.
M: She had a slinky kind of attraction about her, but she seemed mentally unstable, and since I already have more than enough mental instability myself, that would have really screwed up the entire gene pool. It's all about the grandchildren.
D: Sweetie, you're not mentally unstable. You're just colorfully unbalanced. I love that about you — I never know who I'm going to wake up next to in the morning. So what grade should we give her?
M: A for eccentricity.
D: D for moral compass.
M: So let's compromise on a C.
2. Alexis (2005-2008)
Alexis was consistently unlucky, unhappy, and angry; I dated her for three years and became the object of her unhappiness. Every fun activity ended in a fight. Eventually, she moved away and proposed we have an open relationship, which means, "I've found someone new and already banged them, but I want to feel less guilty about it, so let's do this." We still keep in touch, but she makes me want to stab a fork into my eyeball.
M: She changed her hair color so many times, I was confused as to whether she was one girlfriend or several who happened to strikingly resemble each other. Lots of impromptu singing between the two of you. Very entertaining, like watching a Broadway musical.
D: I didn't see much chemistry between the two of you. It looked like you were trying too hard to exhibit some kind of chemistry. I saw you two as ships passing in the night.
M: Lots of fluff. No real substance.
D: And wasn't she mad all the time? I just remember long lists of demands for you, because she really wasn't — in the least bit — self-sufficient. There's only so much money a guy has, and she would bleed it out of you for stuff like fast food and hair dye.
M: She was like a psychic vampire. When she was done bleeding you dry of money, she turned to us as an auxiliary source and talked us into lending her money. "Lending," as in her taking it and never returning it.
D: F. For "fuck off and don't come back."
3. Abby (2008-2009)
Abby and I dated each other out of sheer boredom and loneliness. We shared general anxiety disorder and a dislike of crowds, and we spent any free moment spooning in her bed. I didn't really like her and she didn't really like me, but we fed off each other symbiotically, sucking at each other's body heat to stay comfortable.
M: Your entire relationship could be summed up with one word: "Meh."
D: When I think of her, I think of going to a carnival, going to the cotton-candy booth, and getting a white cone with no cotton candy on it.
M: Extremely bland. In the world of food, she'd be a big bowl of plain mashed potatoes. No salt. No pepper. No seasoning of any kind. Every once in a while, I wanted to poke her with a stick to see if she was still alive.
D: I remember you two would be watching TV in complete silence, which I just thought was a riot. Mom and I are always chattering away, yet you guys couldn't think of one thing to say to each other.
M: Yes! In fact, I remember we had to chatter overtime for the awkward silence.
NEXT: "I liked the fact that she was skinny. She looked great in those tight pants."