Love & Sex

New Sex Calculator Tells You Exactly How Many Calories You’re Burning in Bed

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More like TI-69.

We knew that sex was good exercise. Logic told us that — you’re moving, are you not? — as did the New York Timeswhich reported that the average roll in the hay burns enough calories to qualify as “moderate exercise.”

But exactly how moderate that exercise is depends on the specific kind of sex you’re having, and for how long you’re having that sex. Also: your body type, your gender, and your mood. Are you having vigorous and passionate sex? Are you having sweet and sleepy sex? Are you thin? Are you heavy? Are you a man? Exactly how many calories are you burning here, and do you still have to go to the gym afterwards?

To help you answer these questions, a UK online pharmacy (do you not get all your health and wellness information from UK online pharmacies?) has created a "Sex Calculator," which lets you enter the specifics of your (penetrative-only) romp and get what appears to be a very accurate count of calories burned. And by “very accurate,” I mean “has decimal places.” According to their metrics, for example, a “more cushion for the pushing” woman having “slow and tender” sex for between 16 and 29 minutes burns 73.63125 calories for the pleasure. A “slim jim” man having “fun and frisky” doggy-style sex for 10 minutes apparently burns 51.87 calories. Is this true? Maybe! You can bizarrely share your results on Facebook, though, so there’s that.