Love & Sex

No, Condom Lube Doesn’t Cure Arthritis

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But they do ease the pain.

For those with debilitating joint inflammation, you might want to stop rubbing that prophylactic on your knee and listen up for a second: Condoms don't cure arthritis. Okay, I'm glad we cleared that up.

The Johannesburg health department is scrambling around today trying to fix a major snafu after one of their trusted spokespeople claimed that condom lubricant could help those suffering from arthritis. “There is no scientific evidence to suggest that the lubrication of a condom can cure arthritis, and we are appealing to members of the public not to use condoms for any other reason than that for which they are intended,” Health Minister Aaron Motsoaledi told Sapa. In South Africa, where the AIDS epidemic is particularly severe, a granny using a rubber for her bad knees is considered a waste of precious resources and – let's face it – kinda bogus, even if they swear by it. Even if grannies desperately need their hands dexterous and nimble to crochet afghans for children and wag their fingers disapprovingly.

The one lingering question is why the old geezers think stroking condoms against their achy bones actually feels relieving. No scientist has the answer, but it could have to do with the lubrication. It could also have something to do with the properties of condom lube, which mainly consists of water and some glycerin. Like how many licks it takes to the get to the center of a Tootsie pop, the world may never know.

If you, like the good old grannies, are bored of the regular variety of condom uses, I've compiled a tidy list of alternatives. Happy wrapping.

  • Dog boots in the rain
  • Golf club cozies
  • Umbrella sheath
  • Interestingly shaped balloon animals
  • Wound protectors (especially in the shower)
  • Drug smuggling containers (aka things that go up your ass)
  • Pipe protectors
  • Drain stoppers
  • Water containers
  • Makeshift tourniquets
  • Flotation devices
  • Hair ties that will rip the shit out of your hair
  • Bottle topper/ baby bottle nipple
  • Sari weaver thread lubrication
  • Soccer balls
  • Poor man's boots
  • Fishing lures
  • Firestarters!

Image via Veer.