Love & Sex

Now That The World Is Ending, Some Specific Things I Wish I Had Told My Exes About Their Sexual Technique

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Heed my words, o pale riders.

According to a Harris Interactive Poll, one out of five Americans believes the world will end tomorrow, and one out of four surveyed men will regret not having had enough sex. You know what I regret? The totally misguided, unstimulating, or plain old clit-shriveling things I let my exes do in bed without ever speaking up. Since it is the End of Times and all, I've decided to join the four horsemen and ring in the destruction of humanity by finally coming clean about these men and their terrible bedroom behavior. And if come Saturday we all wake up alive and feeling cheated, let this have purely didactic utility.

1. When I was twenty, a guy who I was casually sleeping with for the first time (and who, I might add, was a few years older) finished in under a minute. When I suggested he attend to me, he said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Now that we're all about to die, I'd like to set the record straight: fingering someone you just came inside of isn't a prison sentence, and asking for what you want should never be punished, unlike the myriad sins of humankind as a whole. It was I who should have then posed the question, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Live and learn, except in this case, since we no longer have time to learn.

2. Before he descends into the molten crust of the earth, I wish I could have told the guy I lost my virginity to that it's okay for a car to go from 0 to 60, but not for a sex partner. Whenever he entered me, he was lurching blindly towards an end zone not to be found in my vagina. If only I'd suggested slow thrusts gradually working their way faster, he might have noticed I was a woman and not his hand. Well, live and learn, except in this case, since we no longer have time to learn.

3. If a guy I briefly dated this summer lives on to fuck another day, I want to tell him one thing: go easy on the nipples. Gently sucking on nipples can often be nice. But just like everything else, the deed needs to be done in moderation. Stay there too long — I'm talking longer than five minutes — and you are now officially nursing. This man woke me up in the middle of the night by pulling up my shirt and sucking at my teat. In the new year, if there is one, I wish upon him better judgment and perhaps therapy.

4. A camping trip I took with an ex was going less than optimally when I discovered I had my period. Apart from the fear of attracting bears, I was feeling a little wary because I was planning to sleep with him for the first time, but it was looking like the trip wouldn't be the best time. As I explained this to my boyfriend with candor, and turned over in our shared sleeping bag to go to sleep, he thought it would be the most awesome, opportune moment to try to force his erect penis into my ass. Ladies, if you survive tomorrow and happen to run into my ex-boyfriend as you wander the charred ruins of the world we once called home… watch your butts. Just a thought.

NEXT: "If all memories of this horrific cunnilingus episode are destroyed in Friday's cataclysm, I won't complain…"

5. The dude I dated in my junior year of college did not understand that a vagina is not a wound that needs licking all over. With his sandpaper tongue, he licked me in every direction, in different patterns, and terribly close to areas of my body that were in fact, not my vagina. My mind coursed towards one thing, and it was not orgasm. It was the thought of baby wipes. If all memories of this horrific cunnilingus episode are destroyed in Friday's cataclysm, I won't complain.

One ex read in The Joy of Sex (which, side note, his mom had given him for Christmas — ?!) that a woman's ears are an erogenous zone.

6. The first guy I ever fooled around with had a habit of grabbing me by the hair while we were just making out and forcefully nudging my head toward his lap whenever he wanted a blowjob. If he's running around today, searching for someone to suck him off before his impending doom, I hope he remembers that he's not trying to kennel the family retriever. He's trying to have sex with a woman who is already having consensual sex with him. I would have happily gone down on him if he simply asked. Use your words, buddy.

7. One ex read in The Joy of Sex (which, side note, his mom had given him for Christmas — ?!) that a woman's ears are an erogenous zone. That's cool, but him randomly rubbing my lobes while he thrust inside me just made me fear an imminent wet willy. All such misguided ear-tugs will perish in the flames if the Mayans have any say.

8. Foreign diplomacy, family trees, and Wes Anderson films are all interesting talking points. But not in the middle of sex. I will never forget the time my ex and I had been at it for a good four minutes, when he suddenly stopped. "Is everything okay?" I asked, kind of concerned. His very-earnest response was, "Have you ever seen The Royal Tenenbaums?"

I had. It's a great film, but I don't want to discuss it during sex. Nor should that discussion ever take precedence over sex. I still to this day desperately want to know what about fucking me triggered the question.

And I might never live to find out.

Want to find someone to ride out the end with? Find them on Nerve.