5. The dude I dated in my junior year of college did not understand that a vagina is not a wound that needs licking all over. With his sandpaper tongue, he licked me in every direction, in different patterns, and terribly close to areas of my body that were in fact, not my vagina. My mind coursed towards one thing, and it was not orgasm. It was the thought of baby wipes. If all memories of this horrific cunnilingus episode are destroyed in Friday's cataclysm, I won't complain.

One ex read in The Joy of Sex (which, side note, his mom had given him for Christmas — ?!) that a woman's ears are an erogenous zone.

6. The first guy I ever fooled around with had a habit of grabbing me by the hair while we were just making out and forcefully nudging my head toward his lap whenever he wanted a blowjob. If he's running around today, searching for someone to suck him off before his impending doom, I hope he remembers that he's not trying to kennel the family retriever. He's trying to have sex with a woman who is already having consensual sex with him. I would have happily gone down on him if he simply asked. Use your words, buddy.

7. One ex read in The Joy of Sex (which, side note, his mom had given him for Christmas — ?!) that a woman's ears are an erogenous zone. That's cool, but him randomly rubbing my lobes while he thrust inside me just made me fear an imminent wet willy. All such misguided ear-tugs will perish in the flames if the Mayans have any say.

8. Foreign diplomacy, family trees, and Wes Anderson films are all interesting talking points. But not in the middle of sex. I will never forget the time my ex and I had been at it for a good four minutes, when he suddenly stopped. "Is everything okay?" I asked, kind of concerned. His very-earnest response was, "Have you ever seen The Royal Tenenbaums?"

I had. It's a great film, but I don't want to discuss it during sex. Nor should that discussion ever take precedence over sex. I still to this day desperately want to know what about fucking me triggered the question.

And I might never live to find out.

Want to find someone to ride out the end with? Find them on Nerve.

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