Love & Sex

Having Huge Boobs Can Be Awful and Sometimes Deadly

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Porn star Elizabeth Starr discovers her O-cup breasts could be fatal.

When it comes to breasts, a good handful of people are in "the bigger, the better" camp. In fact, when I've been in mixed company and lamented the size of my 36D breasts (I can complain, okay!), I usually am met with that same, "Shut the hell up. Everybody wants big boobs." But being the bearer of big tits isn't always the head-turning, door-opening, instant-cab-hailing, this-deep-V-looks-way-better-on-me-than-you cake walk that you are imagining.

Porn star Elizabeth Starr, 43, first got her string implants in 1999. If you're unfamiliar with this kind of breast augmentation, people used to pay $5,000 for polypropylene implants that contained synthetic strings that could generate fluid absorption, expanding over time like inflating water balloons. Starr's swelled to a massive O-cup, which has damaged her body to a point where she has undergone 63 surgeries just to maintain her right boob. Apparently having breasts that big is fatal. The scar tissue in an O-cup disrupts the natural blood flow of in a body and physicians say it will cause a blood clot. Starr's doctors are calling for an immediate double mastectomy, which she won't get, for fear that being flat chested will be a career ruiner. To have huge, massive, life-threatening tits or not to have huge, massive, life-threatening tits? That is the question.

Look: Big boobs are not all that glamorous. Sure, I love my big boobs most days and can appreciate the aesthetic appeal of a C+ in a plain cotton tank, but not when I'm about to go jogging. Not when I somehow manage to cram my breasts into a narrow elastic strip some bastards manufactured into a sports bra and get to experience the unique sensation of pancaked uniboob slipping out from the bottom with each step. Not in the summer, when I am forced to apply deodorant to each underboob and shamefully place the girls in a bra, which I know will inevitably be soaked with sweat after a mere 10-minute stroll under the sun. Not when I then reach for the paper towels to dab said bra when it begins to look like I'm lactating in public. Then there's trips to the beach, when even a slight stir of passing seaweed or a child calling to his mom about his freakin' sandcastle somehow makes my nipples half slip out from my bikini top. And I am left to emerge from the ocean looking like the display of a deli counter.

Let's talk about the back aches, the bra strap pain, and the unwanted attentions of plunging necklines. Have you ever wanted to wear a buttoned-up blouse without sporting gaping holes? Sorry! Try again later. Sign up for a different set of breasts that aren't escaping like fatty-tissued fugitives every second you reposition yourself. Really, though, I love my breasts, but I would never be caught dead trying to make them larger. Which is why when I heard about one plighted porn star's O-cup breasts, my jaw dropped and my back began to ache with a reflexive sympathy tit pain. Elizabeth Starr, wherever you are, do your shoulders, your children, and your poor blood a favor and take those suckers out. Big boobs are amazing, but they're also pretty damn awful.

Image via YouTube.