Love & Sex

PETA Says Going Vegan Makes You Last Longer in Bed

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Whip out that wheatgrass before you download the Spreadsheets app.

PETA, animal rights activists and apparent readers of Nerve, noticed that some of the shortest-lasting states on our sex duration map were those jam-packed full of dairy and meat farmers. Namely, South Dakota, who ranked 50th out of 51 in the quickest draws of the nation, with their sweaty, beef industry-supporting 90-second sex sprees. Armed with these statistics from the Spreadsheets app, PETA is currently in talks with ad companies in Sioux Falls, South Dakota to release an edgy, controversial PSA about the lack of sexual stamina targeting carnivores across the Midwest. 

The ad in question, "Another Cuban Missile Crisis," features an excited young man cozying up to a comely young woman. Because the sexy woman is very sexy, her paramour must imagine the head of Fidel Castro on her body in order to stop himself from prematurely ejaculating during sex. "Focus on my mustache," a thrusting Fidel Castro commands our hero in a low growl. But, despite the image of a creepy cigar-puffing dictator straddling him, the man still comes his brains out within 30 seconds, the mustardy, hammy scent of a recently finished Cuban sandwich (presumably) on his breath. Which I guess make sense, because both communism and premature ejaculation rile us up with lofty expectations but ultimately lead to unrest.

PETA says meat is gumming up your body with cholesterol and saturated fat, restricting the blood flow to all your organs but, especially, your beef-loving penis. While the direct correlation between heart disease and premature ejaculation isn't too strong in the medical community, it's been proven that vegetarians are 32 percent less likely to develop heart disease compared to meat consumers. Beating hearts, as we know, are pretty necessary for sexual endurance. Too bad practically nobody wants to date vegetarians in the first place.