Love & Sex

Please Advise: Can Sexual Chemistry Just Disappear?

Pin it

Nerve readers weigh in on one man's sexual quandary.

Wise readers, 

Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this man out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page. 

 

Dear Nerve,

So, funny thing happened to me the other day. I'm in bed, with my boyfriend, and he starts to kiss my neck. This is like my favorite thing in the entire world, totally hot and just about guaranteed to make me come. Only this time, it was different. Not hot, and not kind of annoying like, "I'm not really in the mood." It felt bad, the way it would feel if a stranger licked your neck in a train station. I flinched and practically swatted him away. Totally unlike me. If it's relevant, I'm not a menopausal woman — I'm a twenty-eight-year-old man. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for some years, but casually dated for way longer than most people do. During that entire period, we had fun, easy sex — so much so that when people asked about my sex life, I didn't even know what to say, but it wasn't something I thought of as a thing. In other words, we had sex often enough that I never thought about how often we had it, and it was good enough that I never wondered if it could be better.

Then, a couple years ago, we moved in together and sex went downhill. Less often, less good — a little frustration here and there. But, like the awesome and communicative adults we are, we talked about it, worked on it, and it got better. Not quite like it was before, but back into the "not a problem" category. Until this. After the flinch, I chilled out, took some breaths, and we did have sex. But, as we were having sex, I ended up back there — disconnected, freaked out, a little cold — like he didn't feel good touching me anymore. 

It's like some part of me just turned off, and it's shitty. He can tell, but I don't really know how to say, "Dearest, sometimes when we fuck, I feel totally alienated and turned-off by you — for no reason, after all these years." 

The rest of our relationship remains on track, and my sex-drive is functioning elsewhere — I still wake up with erections and masturbate and all of that. What's wrong? 

— Too Weirded Out for Cleverness

Tell him what you think he should do in the comments below.