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June 16, 2011
Please Advise: The Love of My Life Reappeared. Should I Leave My Current Girlfriend?
You get a chance to answer our readers' sex & dating questions.
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this man out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Nerve,
Little over a year ago, my girlfriend (we'll call her "L") broke up with me. She said it was because she found someone else, then because of the distance (we lived five hours apart), then just because. I was heart-broken, though eventually I moved on and had a few successful, albeit short relationships. Nevertheless I always remembered the amazing sex and adventures we had. She still reappears in my masturbatory fantasies, and is, by far, the most beautiful girl I have ever been in a relationship with.
Flash forward to this past May, when I became started dating another girl (let's say "J"), a casual acquaintance whom I've known for about two years. J and I have a great relationship. We also live in different places, but the distance is not a a big deal; we drive to see each other often and have established a great deal of trust in the relationship. Our sexual needs are solved through by toys and amazing amounts of sex when we do see each other. As well, we've only had two small arguments in the entire course of the relationship. Both were over small issues, neither of which I can even remember fully. We even do all the adorable couple things I've wanted to do, or thought I should do, in a relationship: weekend trips, dinner with the family, anal sex, etc.
Recently, however, the luster of this relationship is beginning to wear off. The problem stems from both of these women. I was recently contacted by L, who is now asking me to leave J for her. I've missed L since we broke up. Even having realized that the relationship was possibly not the healthiest, it was still by far the most fun. My problem is that I'm unsure whether I'm just romanticizing the time L and I had together, all the while fearing that I am becoming complacent in my relationship with J. I realize that L has not been the most honest person, but I still want her.
Should I break up with J, and wreck a good thing, to take a gamble on a girl who broke my heart? Or am I just falling victim to a "grass is always greener" mentality? It's difficult because I realize J is the safe bet, though I'm not sure I'll ever have as much fun with her as I did with L. Please help — you're my only hope.
— One Lady-Friend Too Many
Tell him what you think he should do in the comments below.
Commentarium (102 Comments)
i bet you in the long run you wont end up with either of them and i will let someone else tell you why.....................
past is past. it's not going to be same. if you aren't happy with J, leave her and look for new person. you can't never have too much lovers.
yes, past is past.
YOu should break up with J since you don't seem that interested in being in a relationship with her anymore. That being said you shouldn't get back with L. But you probably will since people never learn and then you'll end up heartbroken again. The past is the past, and it didn't work out for a reason. You said it yourself that you can't really trust L. Move on and start looking for someone new.
Or you can be a douche and date both of them, considering they both do not live in the same town as you, it could work out. But seriously you should just find someone new that excites you and that you can trust.
You're romanticizing your time with L, but that doesn't mean that you should stay with J. What's changed so that things will be different with you and L this time around? If nothing's changed, then you two will just break up again, since you'd still be the same people who broke up before. You think that L is more beautiful than J, you refer to J as "the safe bet" ... if any guy ever told me that not only was his ex prettier than me, he thought I was "the safe bet" I would leave him. If you really want to give everything with J a try, get relationship counseling together. If you don't want to try everything, then don't, and let her find someone who thinks that she is beautiful.
I agree with Betty. Imagine if you were in J's shoes, as the second choice who would never live up to a romanticized ex. Let J go, PLEASE. Let her find someone who will think she is as amazing and beautiful as you find your ex.
I disagree with Betty and Violet, and even though I am a woman, I can sympathize with OLFTM. It sounds like it isn't that L was so much more beautiful than J, but that he had more feelings for her. I have an ex that I always felt was more handsome than any other boyfriend I've had and it was because I was both romanticizing the memories I had with him and because he was technically my first love, so few men could stand up to the memory I had of him. Eventually, though, it fades as you meet more people who are better for you.
OLFTM: Although I know little about you (your age, etc), I can tell you that you will probably hold L up to every other girl you're with (at least for awhile). If you think leaving J for L will answer your confusion, I can tell you that it will not. You will just feel more conflicted about what could have been with J and probably guilty about the way you ended it with her. I wouldn't consider J the "safe bet," versus the wild card L, because then it seems like you're settling, when really you are making a tough decision regarding two women you care about. Also, you should remember that L most likely has not changed, and that sometimes things end for a reason. Good luck with your decision.
Very thoughtful reply, Chase.
Damned immodest generation. Thanks for telling me you still whack off to this girl. How else would the reader know you really like her? I bet everyone in this story is completely disgustingly ugly, is what I bet.
um, I think I love you.
so what am I so afraid of?
This is the best, most honest reply to this letter so far.
If knowing people masturbate offends you, why are you reading stories on Nerve?
Also, I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
a love there is no cure for!
You should break up with J and get back together with L; the heart wants what it wants. However, when the heart finally takes enough beatings from the "L"'s of this world, the heart frequently realizes that the "J's" are pretty darn good after all. This process can take years; unfortunately there's no way past it but through it. Good luck.
So true. Fact is, you're not going to end up with either of these women. The intelligent thing would be to dump em both. But since it's basically impossible to be 'intelligent' in love, just try to be as nice as you possibly can about the whole mess.
J deserves better -- someone who really wants her, not someone who thinks she is a safe bet. Set her free. Do NOT tell her about L under any circumstances. Then you can see what happens with L, but it sounds like she is an insecure, selfish person.
It sounds as if you are settling with J. Even if J is a nice girl, no one deserves someone who considers them a safe bet and is settling with them. Just break up with her. But don't go back out with L. She sounds like a bitch who didn't really care for you in the first place. Not to say that she won't care for you in the future. I just think you shouldn't take chances at getting hurt again.
I had an L. I imagine lots of people have had an L. Gorgeous, fun, great in bed, wild -- but also dishonest, unreliable, and very destructive. Getting away from L was the best thing that ever happened to you.
A lot of people are telling you to break up with J, but I don't think that's necessary, based on what's here. It sounds like your relationship with J only started to sour when L came back into the picture. Acknowledge L for what she was -- destructive, and ultimately a negative force in your life. It's only been a year -- you'll get over her. I would take L out of the equation and then re-evaluate your relationship with J, but on its own terms.
I've had an L too. It's pretty obvious this guy didn't get fucked over hard enough the first time. From the tone of his latter, it sure sounds like he hasn't been through enough to make the right decision here.
He's going to go back to her, and give up on a girl who's not a sociopath. He'll find himself just as heartbroken as before and he'll feel stupid to boot. His entire letter reads like someone who knows exactly what mistake they're making, but also realized it's an inevitably. All the good advice in the world won't save this dude - he's gonna have to ruin himself before he learns.
Couldn't agree more; if you let her, 'L' will keep backing up before running over you again with a truck. This can happen over and over if you don't get wise to it. You need to remember how it started to go wrong, 'she found someone else'. Remember that musket ball impact to the guts, that took your breath away, that left you keening and clawing at the dirt ? That's what you need to remember when you see 'L' - a smiling assassin.
I'm projecting harder than a power point presentation so I'll wrap up with this: those who play games eventually find someone who plays the game better than they do; so let them go find that person. Instead find someone genuine with whom you can build something together. This might be 'J' or maybe not, but be assured that it will not be 'L'.
L is batshit crazy and is only trying to destroy your new relationship. She is jealous. Don't go there.
J is better off with someone who really loves her.
couldn't have said it better myself.
Relationships do lose luster with time, that honeymoon zzhinggg! wears off and you trade some fancy hoity toity getup for some comfy pajamas.
But really if you're that shallow, leave J so she can find someone that will actually appreciate her for her.
It sounds like over the past year you've fantasized about all the good points of L, probably sugar coating many of the negative points. Life is too short for drama queens who only want you when you're taken. I'm going to assume that once she has you back she'll get bored of you, like you got bored of J, and break up again.
Break up with your current girlfriend and get back with your ex. It's gonna be a train wreck of a relationship (the size of the Chrysler Building) but try to have some fun before you hit bottom. Afterward, wipe the sad look off your face, grab a beer with some buddies, and learn something.
I don't know how to express in mere words the extent of my agreement with this.
Exactly. Probably not the best desicion, but one you can probably learn from.
You say that times with L were simply more fun than with J. But have there been times of love and fulfillment with J that L can't meet? If so, you may end up pining for those moments later on if you get back with L. You can take control and spice up the fun and love life you have with J, but you can't turn L into a good partner. I'm not saying that you should stay with J if you don't love her anymore, but just don't take her for granted. If you don't want to be with J for reasons unrelated to L, then break up. You'd be free to get with L if you wish. But do yourself a favor and dont break off a good thing for L, because you'll regret it later (unless you can honestly see things working out, or she really is the love of your life and not just the lust of your loins).
Am I the only one who found this statement amusing: "We even do all the adorable couple things I've wanted to do, or thought I should do, in a relationship: weekend trips, dinner with the family, anal sex, etc." The third "adorable couple thing" listed was not what I was expecting... anyway, I agree with all those who commented that he should break up with J. She deserves better.
No. You're not the only one! I almost edited that out, and then left it in -- glad someone else laughed.
That might be the first time anyone has ever called anal sex "adorable."
I got a good chuckle out of that, too.
Same, Agreed.
Lily you took the words right out of my mouth!! I was just about to say something along those lines.. Literally laughed out loud when i read it
Dump both of them. They both seem morally bankrupt. You too.
How is J morally bankrupt?
No girl wants to be the "safe" one. My bet is that if you're asking whether you should leave her, you'll leave her eventually anyway.
However, the girl from the past sounds a little sketchy, especially if she's asking you to leave your new girl. How long has it been since she broke your heart? Enough time for her to grow up and really appreciate you?
Here's another idea though - be honest with the girl you're seeing about your feelings for the other girl. Ask her if it's possible to open the relationship and see more than one person. We're all capable of loving more than one person at once and I suffered a lot from simultaneous crushes until I read "The Ethical Slut" and became polyamorous when I was 25.
Polyamory isn't all fun and games - you'd have to be really committed to keeping the girl you're seeing right now feeling good about you and the relationship and make sure that everything is balanced well. But it will relieve you of one problem, at least - having to hide the conflicted feelings you're having.
I'm not sure what I would do in your case, actually, because being polyamorous I'm able to see more than one person at once, and I will no longer involve myself with men who can't handle that. Fortunately I married a really awesome man who gets me and gets polyamory.
Good luck at any rate! Anyone who tells you you're being shitty or disloyal or whatever, fuck 'em. There are some people who naturally latch on to people and get all monogamous, but there are others of us out there who want to love lots of people for different reasons and that's okay too.
Hope it all works out!
I was going to suggest "threesome". Same dif.
I like this. Live a little. Just be aware, initiating that conversation with J might be the first step to dumping her, if she's not on board.
Ignore the old girlfriend.
Since when is anal sex an "adorable couple thing"? The whole letter focuses on sex.. seems to me you don't really want a relationship at all, just a really hot fuck buddy. So, dump J and hump L to your heart's content. J probably deserves better anyway.
I liked it, too! In addition to being hilarious, it shows that J isn't *completely* boring in bed.
I agree with previous posters that you are not really doing J any favors by sticking around and secretly wishing you were with L. Keep in mind that if you do get back together with L, chances are good that she may dump you again -- particularly once the thrill of "stealing" you from your girlfriend has gone away.
has it occurred to OP that he is L's safe bet?
Nope.
"Little over a year ago, my girlfriend (we'll call her "L") broke up with me. She said it was because she found someone else, then because of the distance (we lived five hours apart), then just because."
You probably will leave J for L. You're her safe bet but you don't realize it. Eventually L will break up with you, possibly because of the other guy, or just because.
Short, perfect summary nh.
Two things I'm a little confused by.
The timeline: Ex broke it off with him "a little over a year ago" and he started seeing new girl "last May." I don't know how old this letter is. Has he been dating new girl for a month or just over a year?
The ages: I wish I knew how old these people are. I hate to be That Poster, but good lord, all I can think is, grow up.
For fuck's sake, use condoms on top of condoms, you bunch of drama-lovers.
I thought "grow up" too, frankly, although I tried to suppress it. It does all sound a bit high school/collegiate.
If he's been dating J for just a month, then this is a completely ridiculous letter. Also, a year isn't that long to get over someone that you were crazily in lust with.
How old are you? I'm going to guess 24-25. Also, nowhere in your letter do you say anything about how you enrich the lives of these two women or what you bring to the table. L wants you back because you are her fallback guy. When she finds someone better, she'll dump you again. J probably loves you, but that's only because you two don't see each other enough for her to really know that one of the primary reasons you care about her is because she gives you anal sex. This whole letter reeks of narcissism. Pinch it off with both of them and stop being an emotional vampire.
he's being foolish if he leaves J "for" L. If he leaves J, he should do it for other reasons like he lost interest and the distance. He doesn't seem so much interested in her anymore, though L might be the reason for this. As far as L, he's also being foolish to give the bitch another chance based on the reasons she left him initially (for another guy, distance and just because). He's still just stuck up on the past and comparing. His ass needs to stop. He doesn't need her ... they wouldn't last anyway based on his story!
L left you. You may have held on to feelings for her, but she had no problem leaving you, and didn't even have the decency to be consistent about why she was doing it. Now that you are in a decent relationship with someone else, L wants you back -- because someone else has you. It's just being possessive. You said yourself L “is now asking me to leave J for her.” Nobody who cared about you as a person would ask you to leave something that was working for you. I think the real question is - did you have the feeling that things with J were wearing thing BEFORE L contacted you with this option? (If so, maybe you should shake them both off.)
If it's meant to be, don't walk away from a chance with L.
You're shitting me, right?
@"meant2b" - You have been granted the award of "DUMBEST COMMENT OF THE DAY"
As a guy let me say, break up with "J". You're obviously not into her, if you were whatever "L" said wouldn't matter. At this point forcing yourself to stay with "J" would simply be a step toward hurting her, and that my friend, would make you a jackass. That said, do NOT go back to "L". You're Plan B. You're the Fall Back Guy. You're the in the Meantime Man. In other words, she wants you while no one else is around, and only until someone "better" comes along. If you go back to her, that will make you the dumbass. At this point being one your own is the only option that will make you happy. Be yourself, and don't rely on either woman fulfilling you right now.
Your choice: Jackass, Dumbass, or yourself
THANK YOU FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE WITH FAIR SENSE ON HERE THAT I'VE READ.
Let me get this straight,... You want coffee... on the plane? Just kidding.
You're getting anal sex from J, not to mention dinner with the folks, and you want to break it off? L must be some looker!!
Ok, If L agrees to anal sex, go with her, otherwise.....
Almost all of us have someone wild and free-spirited in our past, someone who makes life seem like one big improvised adventure. It's in the past because it didn't last, and it didn't last because people like that usually aren't loyal; when the going gets tough or they get bored, they check out. Unfortunately, people like that also tend to be really hot, charismatic, and great in bed. You might be able to find someone who combines the best qualities of both women, but they're rare as hen's teeth. So what to do?
Bipolar people are often reluctant to go on meds because, even though the valleys are horrible, they miss the peaks. In a way, the decision you need to make might seem similar: fuck your life up completely for an interval of bliss, or go back to an existence that seems numbed by comparison?
Except that you have a third option: figure out what it'll take to get you to open up to J., and to the world, in the way that L. makes you open up. Instead of looking for someone else to bring that wildness into your life, be that person yourself, except without the destructive parts.
are you young and foolish? then enjoy it while you can. break up with J and GET WITH the L girrl. if you cant stop thinking about her, then dont half-ass yourself to another girl
No matter what you choose to do with L, you need to first evaluate your relationship with J. When doing this, stop thinking about L. Whether or not L appeared, you've still got what you've got with J, and it's only fair to think of her separately, not in comparison to your past relationship.
Even if you wanted an open relationship, those only work when both "main" partners are genuinely happy with each other. If you were in a healthy open relationship with J, she would still have to be your #1, your best friend, your lover. It's hard to tell if you see her this way. You seem to see her as an option, a "safe bet." Even the way you describe your relationship with her sounds like you're fulfilling what you think you should be doing (you say that directly), not what you WANT to be doing. If it isn't making you happy, that's not fair to yourself or to her. She deserves to be someone else's L -- the gorgeous, exciting adventure in his life. Or learn to see her that way. What made you fall for her in the first place? (Realistically speaking, if you don't see someone like that, it's hard to ever do it. Up to you.)
If you do decide to move on, it'd be interesting to see if L still wants to be with you when you're single again. It might help you determine whether or not you can trust her again.
This is my first time coming to this site and I see this nonsense. L is insecure, disrespectful, inconsiderate and is NOT in ANYTHING for the long-run, full bred natural sprinter and as soon as the adrenaline is gone, she is too. She'll break you down once again before you know it.
As for YOU. BEING CONFUSED AND HEARTBROKEN IS NO EXCUSE TO GO AND INGENIUINELY COMMIT TO A GIRL THAT PROBABLY THINKS YOU'RE THE BEST GUY SHE EVER MET. This is crap, you are doing J completely wrong. Just as L did you wrong. You don't love J, heck you don't even like her enough to consider her a female, she is a "safe bet" to you. You are treating her like a soft toy to play with, and playing is just what you're doing.
AND TO ALL OF YOU SELF-CENTERED PRICKS WHO ACTUALLY CONDONE THIS FOOLERY? You're all jerks, just like L. Can't believe you'd go and tell someone to basically fake a relationship with a girl (J) that thinks she is really in a relationship with a great guy that cares for her. If YOU are not willing to be genuine with J leave her the freak alone. Thats the problem with America now days, sheesh. Everyone looks to please themselves without even giving a split thought about the other person. In this whole situation, I did not read ANYTHING that said anything about how J might feel. "ME ME ME ME ME" you are just as selfish as J and you people use "heartbreak" and "confusion" as cover-ups for that fact.
Even though this just frustrated the heck out of me, I STILL wish you the best, but I also wish those girls the best, and I don't think you're it. Please do ALL 3 of your hearts a favor and leave each other alone. And sir, I beg of you, when you get with someone, make sure you are completely over your "ex" and don't play games with their heart. Seeking happiness in that fashion will never bring peace or happiness towards you.
To all on this website, God bless your souls
Welcome to Nerve. You seem to have missed the comments from Betty, Violet, notfromaroundhere, jack, Jeanine -- no, I'll stop. You seem to have missed so many comments that I honestly have no idea which ones you are replying to.
As someone who encouraged him to give J another chance, I would also like to defend my position. It sounds, to me, like he was not really dissatisfied with J when it was just him and J. Rather, it is the allure of L that is interfering. I have no idea where you got that he is treating her like a "soft toy to play with." I must have missed that in between spending time with her family and going on vacations together. Being caught in between two lovers is not nearly as villainous as you are making it out to be.
But if you ever feel like writing a "Please Advise: I Overgeneralize and AM FATALLY ADDICTED TO CAPSLOCK," I would love to comment.
Ok. After that absurd response attacking all the general Nerve readers (thanks for that JJ, you're kind of an asshole) here's my two cents:
I would like to get some clarification on how long you and "L" were together before you broke up. I know it happened about a year ago, but the length of that relationship is a factor in why you've had such a hard time getting over her.
If I can assume your relationship with L was a year or longer, I could see why it would take you this long to get over her. That being said, you were having a great new relationship in its budding stages with J, but you haven't been with her long enough to see it fully develop. Lots of people are saying you should break up with J, and I would agree if you were only with her for the sake of being with someone. The "safe bet" thing I'm not really crazy about either, but I understand what you mean.
However, as most people noted, you didn't seem to have problems with J until L popped up and said "take me back!" At least that's how the letter reads. I say, don't go back to L. She doesn't respect you enough to give a straight answer and it's pretty conceited for her to beg/demand/expect you to break up with J for her. I don't think you should just break up with J though. Talk to her. Tell her that L has tried to talk to you again and it's making you unsure. Give her respect and be honest with her, then let her decide if she thinks you two could continue to see how things go or if that makes her too uncomfortable and she wants to break up. The decision is ultimately yours in terms of whether you go back to L or not, but there needs to be communication between you and your current girlfriend. That conversation could be very enlightening.
Kill them both.
Ugh, I've been L...please grow a pair and walk away because it'll happen again.
For whatever reason, L is conflicted about you and will always be so -- unless she's in a disfiguring accident or something and you stand by her and she learns the true meaning of love and whatever. As long as you are there waiting to be used and then tossed aside she will use you and toss you aside. You need to take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good hard look at L and find out what is wrong with you that you would consider getting back together with her.
You should break up with J and not get with L. Stay friends with both of them and see if you can get "some" from them at the same time.
My momma told me that if I couldn't choose between two guys, then I shouldn't pick either of them. When you meet the right person it isn't unclear.
thank you! this is exactly right.
Ignore the old GF and tell her to just Go Away. If you love (and like) the new girl then try to make it work. Put the old GF in a memory box and store it in the basement. Behind other boxes.
Get a break from both of them and think about being on your own for a month or two, then decide. The problem might be you.
I definitely would not get back together with L if you want a long term committed relationship. Significant others will not change for you, be devoted to you, and be loyal to you now if they were not before. If you are looking for a short term fling or an on and off relationship with L then get together with her if you'd like.
Your question about J is a little trickier. The only reason why I might advise you to break up with her is because of your comment, "the luster of this relationship is beginning to wear off." You might as well end it now if you don't think it will get any more exciting. That being said, make sure that this lack of luster (see what I did there?) is caused by your incompatibility with J and not because of L's return or what you previously did with L. The two relationships should not be compared.
I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings but I know it is going to sound mean: you should not be with either of these women. I've been through this myself.
"You should not be with either of these women."
Why is that mean? Nothing about that statement struck me as mean, just direct.
prediction: advice is given. dude goes back to 'l' no matter what, and it ends poorly. now pay up.
Newsflash to the OP: Things that are shiny eventually tarnish. It's up to you to shine them up again. If J can no longer hold your toddler-like attention, let her go to find someone willing to maintain a relationship with her.
The same problem will happen with L; as lots of posters have already said, she is manipulating you because she's bored. Whoever or whatever she left you for has dumped her, probably for being a sociopath. Asking someone to leave their partner to be with them is flat out self-serving. She's not thinking of your wellbeing or happiness, just her own. Just like you're thinking of your own happiness instead of J's.
You probably shouldn't tell J about L. I say probably because J does not need that burden but she may need that understanding in order to not take your stupid ass back when you come crawling back because L broke your heart again. But then again, it's time to put J before yourself - so don't weigh her down with drama bullshit like 'my ex girlfriend wants me back so this is over'. That's a complex she does not need, especially from a user like you.
Go with L!!!! What's the point of life if you don't take risks, try to get the most out of it.
I was a "J". I kept thinking, "oh, maybe *this* time he'll realize how awesome I am and how awesome we are together and stop getting distracted by other girls." He didn't. Eventually I grew up and stopped being a doormat. One day your "J" will too. Let her go now.
Here's my armchair analysis:
You consider J your "safe bet" because you know that J won't dump you like L did. But now L (in addition to being hotter) is dangling in front of you what you see as the chance of a do-over, for the low low price of dumping J. Nothing is as tempting as a second chance at someone who previously thought you didn't make the cut, right? Obviously how could J compete with that, since she hasn't treated you like shit in the first place. You're bored with the knowledge that you're good enough for her.
The reality is that L, despite being hotter, is a bit of a psycho. It sounds like she gets a real ego boost out of the idea of people crying over her. The first time, it was you. Now, she wants it to be J. She wants to see if she still has enough pull with you to make you treat someone else the way you treated her.
If you're into prolonging the drama, tell L. to wait 6 months because things are good with J. See what she says. If she had a conscience, she'd understand and back off. But if she's evil, she'll put on the pressure like it has to be NOW OR NEVER. Then ask yourself why.
Or, dump J, go crawling back to L, and see what happens. I give it 6 months, tops. After the thrill of the poach fades, L will lose interest even faster than before, and before you know it she'll be in the wind, this time leaving you with even less dignity. And J, unless she's blind and deaf, will somehow catch wind of how all this went down, and she will hate your guts for it.
I would never want to be someone's fallback option, plan b or their "safe bet". It's either all or nothing, take it or leave it. And from what it sounds like, J has been nothing short of a great girlfriend, you're the one who's having complacency issues; you owe it to her to be honest and direct, otherwise you'll just be leading her on and be a complete douchebag.
And do you really want to be with someone who thinks nothing of upping and leaving and only coming back when you're unavailable? Also, you probably only want L because you're in a relationship and both of you are off limits to each other. Don't drop everything just because she suddenly appears looking all shiny and new and says to leave your girlfriend...
The only healthy, respectable and right thing to do is to leave J and don't tempt yourself with L as hard as it may be. You need someone new and fresh.
1. Evaluate how much J means to you right now, and try to predict how you'll feel about her in 3 months. Would you still be friends if it broke off? Do you live in a big city? Many mutual friends? Does L know J?
It sounds like you can take it or leave it. This means that she's probably all about you.
2. Don't tell L you're considering any of this. Just be aloof and non-responsive.
3. Can you stfu and keep secrets, without too much guilt?
Now, if you like J but still have a thing for L, meet up for drinks, but do not tell J. Make your move, Casanova!
See how it goes. Obviously, never admit this to J, even if ratted out by L. In the off-chance scenario you are found out, J will still be into you. Perhaps even more than before.
Benefits:
1. if it goes well, you have your answer
2. if it does not, you have your answer
3. you have fun investigating
Get back with L. She will crush you again, but it sounds like you deserve it. J deserves better anyway, and you're not being hones and open with her.
Stop and take time to think about what you really want. Do you want to be in a settled relationship? Or are you after something that only "L" can provide at this point in time? --- Four women in four cities take on 365 dates between them. Visit www.3six5dates.com to find out more!
Do them both. Do not tell either one. Then try to find a third. Keep going. And do not feel a twinge of regret at what you are doing. I bet both of them are fucking another guy...most women do. And do not commit, or you will find yourself supporting some woman and a child...no win there. There are always other women. Trust me on this.
whatever you do, just be honest with j.
and take things slow with l.
You know... it seems like you're doing the same thing to J that L did to you. Don't you think that L probably "loved" this guy more than she loved you, then realized that she had a good thing with you and decided to come back? You'll do the same. I just hope J can break the cycle L started up.
Read the Sanskrit poem "Dharmakirti." It's very applicable.
You are in love with the person that she used to be - not the person that she is now....
I say, don't wreck a good thing - stop holding yourself back and just let yourself be in the relationship you are in now....
I would definitely leave J, I totally agree with what loads of people are saying here: She deserves to be more than the "safe bet" (the biggest insult to anyone in a relationship). She deserves someone who is finds her amazing, and is willing to actually bring something to the table for her.
As for L, I see the inevitability here. I'm making assumptions but I think OLFTM still has some maturing to do and so will inevitably go back to L and get his heartbroken again. But hopefully, he'll learn and mature from the experience and move on to new and better things.
If love wasn't so averse and separated from logic then OLFTM would leave J, fuck the shit out of L for a few months while putting himself out there in the world, meeting new people, and then finally leaving L and starting over with some fresh new people. Whatever happens he will not end up with either J or L.
L IS CRAZY. You can't ask a person to leave someone for you. This is crazy and don't go there. Maybe she was the best sex partner for you at that time, but that time is not now. Also, SHE IS CRAZY.
You say you're becoming complacent with J but you rarelyneverever fight blah blah... Maybe you should fight? I'm not talking nasty confrontations or anything but "fights" are a way to work through things, and working through things means PROGRESS and not just repetition.
L is yanking you around. She had her bite at the apple, tell her to move on. You're playing all the wrong tapes in your head when remembering her. Play the one where you get five different reasons for the breakup. And then play the one that makes you feel physically the way you felt afterwards. THEN play the tape of you and J having amazing sex sessions. Those are orders.
DO THIS NOW.
"Little over a year ago, my girlfriend (we'll call her "L") broke up with me. She said it was because she found someone else, then because of the distance (we lived five hours apart), then just because."
Everyone is quick to jump on "L's" case, but other than this and that she wants him back, what do we know? That it was a long distance relationship - 5 hours is not a small distance to deal with. How long was this relationship 5 hours apart? That's a lot to deal with. When you are that far apart, you are more single than with someone, or it feels so most the time. I haven't read about her threatening him, abusing him, threatening his girlfriend, becoming violent, etc. so why exactly is it assumed she is psycho by so many?
Taking the other route, that "L" is being honest and does want the writer, what will change? Or has? If nothing, then the same will happen again. The reason she gives will not matter; there is an underlying reason she left you and it was not just for someone else. Had she been happy, there would not be a someone else. And it could be the distance that helped that along. Not everyone is cut out for a long distance relationship. It takes a lot if you are serious and committed and want to be part of a person's life. It's exhausting. Or you could be her "safe bet" as "J" is for you. Either way, same scenario, different time, same result.
Leave "J". Or leave her if she has any hope that this is a long term, for real thing with you. It's not. You're already thinking of another woman. If she wants a forever thing, or even thinks it is possible, leave her and let her get that elsewhere. The longer you stay with her, the harder it will be to leave.
If "L" is the gorgeous, fun girl you say, she could have found someone else, right? So figure out why she's coming back and what is different. And you may find that neither are for you. Sometimes it pays to be single out figure that out.
All this has happened in "a little over a year"? You've had "several successful relationships" since then? Dude, how many "successful relationships" can one really have in a year? What is your measure of success? If your definition of success is having hot sex and fun shenanigans for eight weeks or so until the novelty starts to wear off, does it really matter what you do? Your relationship with J, should you choose to end it, will have been a "success." That said, don't expect that good things will come of jilting her for L. Whichever relationship you choose to pursue, I predict it will not last long, and that may not be a bad thing. If you want to ride the relationship ADD wave, by all means, get back together with L. If you like the idea of committing to something longterm, stick with J, knowing it might not work out anyway. Or, you could try being fun and single, and not label flings that come and go as "relationships."
Most of this advice has been great. The trouble is, it's relationship-centric. And I think the queries you're fielding, and your descriptions of relationship, indicate that maybe you should just be single for awhile, you know? Take time to process, and don't let the anxiety of "what is right" or "what should be" overwhelm you. I'm going to go with focus on you, do you, and then you will be better equipped to handle these sorts of things. I mean, you've kind of got it good right now. It's a good sort of mess, all things considered. Which is not saying I lack empathy regarding your situation--I get it. But perhaps being this confused, and preparing yourself for upheaval, is indicative of needing to figure out some of your shit. Perhaps. I think you need to give yourself a shot at that. Sounds like it's been a whirlwind.
Also, there's a chemical different between romantic, sexual, and bonding love. I'm not insinuating that you can't distinguish, but I personally think it's important to strive for all. If you just get off, go for L. But don't think you will emerge with much clarity, save the possible realization that you want stability. Or you know what, L could be a rogue situation, and you could end up with her. I don't buy the take that it couldn't work out. Because it could. And that is why I am advising you to back away and take some you time. We all need it.
If you're in a place where you're looking for "the one" (and from your letter, it sounds like you are) don't date either of these women. You need to be alone and straighten out your head and figure out what you want. Break up with J but don't tell her about L. Tell L that you REALLY need to know why she broke up with you - the real reason. Then just don't date seriously until you figure out what you're looking for. It doesn't sound like either of these ladies are "the one" for you.
There's only one constant involved with the story of the two girls L and J: distance. From what's written, this guy is not geographically within limits of these women to make these relationships anything serious. I doubt either of the women are truly serious about the guy themselves, though there is absolutely no way of knowing something like this just from a letter from the guy. So it all depends on what kind of guy you are, dude. If you want to hurt people, be with them both but expect to be in the dark by yourself again eventually. If you have compassion and empathy, and feel like you can make something serious with J, go for that. It's a way to fulfillment. If you aren't serious, maybe you should find someone who is much closer to you, even if it means being single for a little while.
You know what? I don't think you guys give L enough credit.
I am a 22 year old girl and I guess, one of the Ls of the world; a bit hotter, more exotic, funnier, crazier - and generally wittier, than the Js of the world. I do not want to attack or offend anybody though. Just, listen to how I feel about the L girl- maybe it will change your attitude, and going back to her could be different.
I don't think that L is insecure, I don't think her attributes are negative at all, actually. Being a girl that stands out, at least initially, for looks isn't going to make L insecure. Actually, it just makes her more aware of how many guys she can have. L will always be with you because she wants to, when she doesn't- she'll be with someone else. L is used to getting her way, a lot more often than most people do (Haylo Effect- it's not her fault she's hot), leading to her view of the world being so conquerable.
Most guys are threatened by L-types. Beeing with her is so great because she lives life as if there are no limits. Most people, are reserved because they fear failure, that's why L seems so free-spirited- she believes she can do anything. In relationships men become uneasy because other men are allways checking L out, or because L wants to go out a lot. The more uneasy the boyfriend, the less L is interested. However, L won't sit in emotional turmoil ( asking relationship questions online), L will find someone who values themselves enough to not be threatened by her. Maybe lie about it, not wanting to hurt feelings of the insecure guy. Viscous cycle.
My suggestion to you is to grow some balls, ok no offense!
Firstly, realize that whatever you had with L, you can have again with someone, obviously it isn't J. Second, don't settle for the plain J(ane) girl because she's safe. Settle for the girl you can't stop thinking about, it's worth it- she'll make you live for real. In return, show her that you're better than every other guy that wants her. Show her that you aren't threatened by her looks, that you can see through her. Learn from her, to trust yourself and her, otherwise you'll drive her to someone else. You need to understand that it takes 2 for those crazy rollercoaster relationships to become so crazy. Most times- work on your self confidence and you'll be able to have the hott girl and control her.
I like that comment about the immodest generation haha
Your point was interesting until you wrote "viscous cycle." haha
omg can u say auto correct fail??? lmao i wrote that beautiful msg on my phone
"Had she [L] been happy, there would not be a someone else. "
This is faulty.
"T
1. Evaluate how much J means to you right now, and try to predict how you'll feel about her in 3 months. Would you still be friends if it broke off? Do you live in a big city? Many mutual friends? Does L know J?
It sounds like you can take it or leave it. This means that she's probably all about you.
2. Don't tell L you're considering any of this. Just be aloof and non-responsive.
3. Can you stfu and keep secrets, without too much guilt?
Now, if you like J but still have a thing for L, meet up for drinks, but do not tell J. Make your move, Casanova!
See how it goes. Obviously, never admit this to J, even if ratted out by L. In the off-chance scenario you are found out, J will still be into you. Perhaps even more than before.
Benefits:
1. if it goes well, you have your answer
2. if it does not, you have your answer
3. you have fun investigating"
Shameless as this is, I like it; any suffering promotes growth of the sufferer, and the strong passion survives. If you can work up the balls to treat her "right", let J go as gently as possible (incompatible personas, you aren't wise enough to settle down with a respectable partner yet.)
"If love wasn't so averse and separated from logic then OLFTM would leave J, fuck the shit out of L for a few months while putting himself out there in the world, meeting new people, and then finally leaving L and starting over with some fresh new people. Whatever happens he will not end up with either J or L."
Best bet, imho, except instead of "leaving" J, you are liberating her from a waste of her energies.
hey i have been that same postition...you should know that exs are exs for a reason. dont go down that road again, if "L'' could leave you once, what makes you think she won't do it again.
Give it another go with the old girlfriend. The new one doesn't curl your toes so much.
I think she's doing this now specifically to seeing she still has you were she thinks she has you, around her finger. She totally bailed on you for another dude once, life is long, or just long enough for her to decide you're less worthy than guy# 3...#4...#5.
And in the meantime, it sounds like you have a nice relationship were you might actually grow to care for J lime you just think you feel for L.
But yeah, you sound lime a shallow tool who's little brain is winning out over the big brain, won't be the last either but have the courtesy not to do the same low rent move L is doing to you, you put your tail between your legs and do the same thing to poor J once you send her down the road.