Love & Sex

Reality TV’s The Duggars Give The Worst Sex Tips

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The parents of 19 Kids and Counting know exaclty how to ruin your sex life.

Much to my dismay, the Duggar family hasn't disappeared from the spotlight. The Today show's blog for moms posted the most banal interview laden with photos of the over-populaters embracing each other and saying they have what it takes to keep the sexual spark alive. Today got it all wrong from the beginning, because "sexual spark" and reproduction aren't the same thing. I don't care how quaint their hair is and how sweet her voice sounds, they're shilling bullshit and I'm calling them on it. They have 19 offspring, and mom, Michelle, doesn't work, so of course this is the most important thing in her life. Husband Jim Bob doesn't physically have to go through labor, so I guess he thinks date night makes up for vaginal tearing. I think they're perfect for each other, but I still don't have to like them.

The first bit of advice: say yes to sex even when we're tired. "You always need to be available when he calls." Who pitched this article? Because I want to slap them back to the 1930s where these "values" belong. This goes for both partners, sometimes you just want to go to sleep. I encourage all adults to have more sex, it's therapeutic and fun but always? Really? I may be from the big city and have nonexistent limitations on sexual pleasure but even I don't want to manufacture arousal whenever he demands it.

The Duggars abstain from sex during Michelle's period and after childbirth. Abstain during her period, why? Because she's icky? Because it's the one time she can pretty much guarantee she won't get pregnant? Fuck you, Jim Bob.

The interview also references the 80/40 rule. This comes from the book of Leviticus in the bible, and in a nutshell, after giving birth women are unclean and you have to abstain from sex for 80 days after having a girl (because she's filthy too) and 40 days after having a boy. Do I need to explain why this is wrecked?

"Treat your wife like a queen." You'd think I wouldn't have a problem with this one, but I do. The madonna/whore situation makes me feel ill because it turns women into one-dimensional characters. Why can't we be both the woman you want to ravage and still be someone you respect? I don't need to be a queen, just human Just like every public personality, Jim Bob says he treats Michelle like a queen. You want credit for treating your wife well? In Bring the Pain, Chris Rock expresses my view with clarity, "You know the worst thing about [ignorant people]? They always want credit for some shit they supposed to do."

Towards the end of the article Jim Bob tells Today, "Expectations ruin relationships." You're aiming a bit low there aren't you? I have the expectation that my partner will put forth some effort in their life with me. I expect them to contribute to the household, in an emotionally supportive role. There have to be mutually agreed upon financial expectations. I expect my partner to be a partner, because marriage is about succeeding as a team. You can support someone without giving them a pass to be a bum.

I'm not sure who I'm more irked with, Today or the Duggars for their contrived answers that seem plucked off a Christian parenting website. Their situation obviously works for them. I just wish they could be real for a moment and express a struggle we could relate to. Their smiles don't look welcoming, they look smug.

Images via Today