Tapirs are the Carries.
If strolling around a zoo late at night with a glass of champagne, posturing about how Indian rhinos hump, strikes you as a particularly romantic evening (it should), then the Los Angeles Zoo has curated just the evening for you. This weekend, the LA Zoo is holding its fifth "Sex and the City Zoo" event to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Learning about animal sex can unlock insights into our own human relationships. Or, you know, spend a night laughing as a docent tries to explain science while two tapirs expose their huge erect penises and duck out to the food tent where you can sober up your prosecco buzz with some artisanal pappardelle, saffron Italian risotto, and baby fennel nested in golden tempura. You are, after all, amongst the animals.
Taking a page from the equal parts hilarious and educational Isabella Rosselini, general curator Michael Dee will be running the sensual adults-only evening. This year, he will be lecturing on three of the wilder residents that guests will be able to observe up close.
Chilean Flamingos (The Samanthas)
Flamingos don't attend any adult parties, but they're sort of swingers. The graceful pink birds will only mate if they're in a colony. If two flamingos are put by themselves, they often won't have sex. They prefer an audience. The males do "fancy flutters with their wings and strike seductive poses to attract females, who get to pick their mates," explained Dee to the Los Angeles Daily News. Because they're into group sex, often flocks have 30 to 40 babies hatch at one time.
Mountain Tapir (The Carries)
Mountain tapirs are weird looking pig-like animals that are actually genetically similar to horses and rhinos. They use their long snouts during their mating ritual, in which males chase the females and nip them on the back of their legs until she finally sighs and submits to the pestering (cough, Mr. Big, cough). Tapirs don't just share DNA with horses, they are also apparently hung like them. Their penises are so large it usually takes a while to find the right spot to penetrate their partners (kind of like fumbling with a condom under a dark comforter).
Indian Rhinoceros (That one guy Harrison)
The best way to describe rhino sex is, well, BDSM. The male follows the female to mate with her, chasing her down, holding her, and biting her. He lifts her rear off the ground with his head. Many females leave sex with wounds. No wonder they are endangered.
Image via Los Angeles Zoo.