For all of us who have ever felt a strange tingling sensation while watching The Little Mermaid or Splash a new book seeks to teach us a few things about sex from the creatures in the sea. SEX IN THE SEA: Our Intimate Connection with Sex Changing Fish, Romantic Lobsters, Kinky Squid, and Other Salty Erotica of the Deep, by Dr. Marah J. Hardt is now out from St. Martin’s Press. Hardt outlines some of the stranger yet effective ways animals find pleasure under the waves. First up, orgies. Much like mass pollination found in trees, some ocean creatures do the same. In other words, a lot of sperm and eggs flying around:
“To make [the orgy] work, tens of thousands of individuals, many traveling for days, must all descend upon one chosen location, at the exact same time, and then jettison their wares within moments of one another. It is no easy feat. Just consider the last time you and your one partner managed synchronized bliss — and we’re talking thousands of individuals.”
OK, we can’t really advocate for a thousand person orgy, but hey to each his own. Though, if you are planning such an event Hardt suggests the full moon is a good time.
“To orchestrate this impeccable timing, many species rely on the light of the full moon to signal that it’s time to get the party started. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall, the moon pulls on more than just the tides of the sea—she governs the sex drive of countless species from fish to coral. Under her influence, oceanic orgy lovers have gathered for millennia in bouts of group sex that boost reproductive success.”
So the orgy’s not your thing, maybe play try playing your partner some soulful tunes. Dude whales used to have it easy. When hunting was all the rage, blue whales didn’t have much competition.
“Back then, a male was concerned with simply finding a female, forget about seducing her. He just sang as loudly as possible. But the moratorium on hunting whales has reversed declines in the population and as their numbers have climbed, the males’ songs have dropped—by over 30 percent in pitch the past four decades.”
Drop the falsetto, guys. Go for the Barry White, suggests Hardt.
So the orgy invite didn’t take and your best bartone couldn’t bring all the boys to the yard, well according to lobsters just pee on your man till he’s into you. Turns out Maine lobsters are way into golden showers:
“A female will subdue an otherwise bullish male by visiting his den each day and dosing him with a healthy spray of her best urine. After a few days of this, the normally aggressive male transforms into a gentle lover, welcoming this seductress female into his den. There, for the next several days, they will cohabitate. There’s lots of heavy petting with antennae, continued mutual golden showers, and touching one another with their spindly legs. And since lobsters have the equivalent of taste buds along their legs, they are basically licking each other with their feet. It’s kinky stuff.”
Kinky stuff indeed.