Love & Sex

Sex Terms That Need To Be Retired

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Slang and euphemisms are great because they're fun and let us talk about certain things — read: sex — without feeling all uncomfortable and medical. Some have staying power ("hooking up"), and some are awful from their inception ("nookie"). But there comes a moment in every colloquialism's life when it's time to gracefully bow out of the race:

1. "Friend Zone" – …because women don't care about moving things past friendship into the Bone Zone. Because women haaate sex.

2. "Inner Goddess" – Without constant reminders from every women's magazine, I would have never realized that Athena resides in all of us (well, all of us women), and I'm thankful for that, but I think it's time for something new. Just like it can get monotonous always having the same penis inside you, I'm sick of always having the same entity inside me. Effective immediately, I will only refer to my "inner Hulk Hogan" or "inner house elf."

3. "down there" – This is used most frequently in bad erotica and advice columns, usually referring to strange feelings in the former and strange rashes in the latter. It also makes me think of Hell, which is odd when you actually mean your vagina.

4. "The L-word" – Probably no one uses this seriously past the fifth grade — unless they were Showtime subscribers circa 2004 — but this is just a reminder to keep it that way.

5. "cowgirl/reverse cowgirl" – I'm all about girl-on-top sex, but I can't say this/read this/write this without imagining myself with a pink ten-gallon hat and a lasso, and imagining the dude underneath me as one of those mechanical bulls.

6. "The Big O" – Orgasms are great and I recommend them wholeheartedly, but I think they're too frequently treated like the singular goal of all sexual encounters — the Emerald City at the end of your Yellow Brick Vagina. And, those of you who've seen The Wizard of Oz know that the Wizard was a kind of a disappointment in the end because of all the hype. I don't think that the "elusive female orgasm" is always earth-shattering and tri-fold the male orgasm in power, and I definitely don't think that the O always has to be Big.

7. "panties" – "Boxers" and "briefs" sound like fresh laundry, but "panties" is so sneery and juvenile and gross. Especially when they're described as being "in a bunch."

8. "entered me/him/her" – I really hate when the verb "enter" is used when describing sex, because it's so phallus-driven (and simultaneously, weirdly sterile) — like the vagina is just a room for the night and the penis bursts through the saloon doors twirling pistols, or a scrotum.

9. "bang" – It's not even the violence of the word "bang" that bothers me. It just seems like if you refer to having sex as "banging," you're probably really bad at having sex.

10. "fire-crotch" – I always, always think of Harry Potter when I hear this (maybe because of Ron Weasley?) and I always, always cringe.

11. "family jewels" – Gene Simmons probably has this one trademarked by now, so maybe that's enough of an argument for its retirement. But also, I don't want to think of your genitalia as something that's been passed down through your family for generations. I just imagine a relay race of sorts, involving lots of old men cradling their balls and handing them off to their male offspring.

12. "jailbait" – "All those attractive underage girls are just a dangling worm to my gross, insatiable fish brain." That's what you sound like.

13. "rocks off" – Not to be used any other time than while discussing Exile on Main Street. You can't say it better than Mick Jagger did.

14. "sizzling" (when used to describe anything sex-related) – Hooray for adjectives that can describe both that move you do with your tongue in my ear and fajitas. Wait, what's the opposite of hooray?

15. "kissable" lips – Aren't they all? That's something you do with lips, right? It's like saying you have "teeth that can break down food."

16. "on the rag" – Urban Dictionary supplements almost every definition of this with a warning that it will be accompanied by "bitchiness." These are the type of people who use the phrase "on the rag."

17. "chick flick" – If this one doesn't go, can we at least all agree that a film geared towards the penis-carrying demographic is a "Dude Moov?"

18. "returning the favor" (when referring to giving head) – "I know that wasn't fun for you, but thanks for doing me that favor. I also suck your dick purely as a favor, you know. Like on your birthday."

19. "man-whore" – I don't know which gender this one degrades more, although I have a feeling it's women. It usually is.

20. "cock cave" – Admittedly, I just thought of this one, but I'm retiring it as a precautionary measure, before people start yelling into vaginas to see if they can hear an echo. Trust me, you can't.