"Practice self-love with a condom on, without the death grip."
Dubbing herself SecksYoda, a veteran sex educator held a Reddit AMA last night so the masses could probe her embarrassingly rich knowledge of the world of sex. Speaking anonymously, she's a woman who's worked with senior citizens in nursing homes, teenagers, transitional youth, BDSM practitioners, asexuals, and elementary school kids to teach them the ins and outs of safe and pleasurable sex. Having been raised in a abstinence-only curriculum, SecksYoda says we're currently living in a "sex-backwards culture." Here's a few tips from a woman who has literally heard everything.
1. Guys, you should practice masturbating with a condom before you have sex.
SecksYoda gets a lot of virile teenage boys asking her why they go soft as soon as they put a condom on the first time they have sex. To save themselves the humiliation and make sure their first time is as pleasurable as possible, she recommends: "Practice self-love with a condom on, without the death grip."
2. If you are trying anal, foreplay is your friend.
"If it's your first time, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay! Really warm your girl [or guy] up. When she's turned on, this allows her muscles to additionally relax and expand more easily," SecksYoda says. To warm up for anal, she recommends starting off with a lubed finger (or a few fingers) until your partner is stretched out enough to accommodate a penis. The anal cavity, unlike the vagina, is not a self-lubricating area so lube your butt up like you're greasing a baking pan. Starting anal sex is generally a slow process, if you're doing it right. SecksYoda also recommends a condom for easy, no fuss anal clean-up.
3. 11-12 is the best age to have the "porn talk."
They're already old enough to go looking for it or probably accidentally stumbled across it at a rowdy sleepover. So, don't hide porn from them if you know they're already embarking on their intrepid self-love journeys. "I always say the same thing: it is generally not an indicator of what sex is really like," SecksYoda advises.
4. If you're bored of masturbating, practice edging.
What's edging? It's a basic practice of orgasm control and a way to experience intense and long orgasms during both masturbation and partner sex. A person masturbates just up until the point of the plateau phase before orgasm, and then immediately stops self-stimulation. They take a few deep breaths, and then start the process all over for about 20 minutes. Doing this maintains a high level of arousal over a longer period of time, and at the end, you are rewarded for the wait with a stronger orgasm. For those that are three strokes away from complete mundane masturbation, SecksYoda also recommends sex toys, water play, and literotica to spice up your alone time.
5. Engage your kink.
All parties consenting, kinks are super healthy to have and act on. If you have a sexual inclination to a practice others might find outside the norm, don't be afraid to bring it up in bed. If you can't get it out there, you can't get it out anywhere. Introduce the kink gently to your partner and open up a dialog of unfettered sexual expression. SecksYoda says watersports, pegging, and BDSM are becoming a part of mainstream sex education conversations. But the two most common kinks she's asked about? Feet and choking.
6. Listen to your partner.
SecksYoda admits this is far and away the most cliché sex tip in the book, but it's repeated for a reason. "It's the best sex tip I can give, ever, generally speaking," she says. "Nothing works better. Don't like having your clit sucked on? Tell your partner(s). Not a fan of having your nipples pinches? Tell your partner(s)…So many problems be avoided just by communicating and listening."
Image via Veer.