Christine O'Donnell, Carl Paladino, and four other conservative nightmares up for election in two weeks.
The upcoming midterm elections have whipped all the parties, from Tea to Green, into a state of agitation. Out of that chaos, some very strange, very frightening figures have emerged. These six politicians, all up for election or reelection on November 2nd, constitute serious threats to our sexual liberties.
1) Christine O'Donnell
Perhaps the best-known politician on this list, Christine O'Donnell has made headlines for her bizarre pronouncements about witchcraft, whether or not she went to Oxford (she didn't), and, of course, masturbation. It was during her career as a pundit in the '90s that she came out against onanism, saying, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust." And while people's opinions can certainly change over the years, O'Donnell hasn't backed off much: the most she'll say is that this issue is irrelevant to her campaign. Not many people are clamoring for a masturbation ban, and even if elected, O'Donnell would never be able to pass one. But for anyone going through a dry spell, it'd be scary to have someone with her views holding office.
2) Carl Paladino
Jesus, where to start? Mr. Paladino's having a hard time sticking to one story on the matter of sex. He thinks that gays shouldn't be teachers because homosexuality is a "dysfunctional" choice. But he didn't seem to care about how functional homosexuality was when he rented out space to gay clubs. Officially, he's come out against "pandering" to pornographers, which probably means he'd like to take some of your masturbatory material away. On the other hand, in his free time he sends porn videos to his business contacts, including one video of a woman having sex with a horse. So, we clearly don't like Paladino when he's being anti-porn, but we think we like him even less when he's being pro-porn.
3) Carly Fiorina
Most, if not all, of the people on this list are against same-sex marriage and probably just anti-gay in general. But Fiorina, the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, is running for Senate in California, a state where the same-sex-marriage debate is particularly loaded. Unfortunately, Fiorina voted for the gay-marriage ban Proposition 8, and condemned the recent ruling that declared the ban unconstitutional. Politically speaking, that's her main reason for showing up on this list. But more viscerally, we're still upset about the terrifying political ads she and her team have dredged up from the pits of our childhood nightmares, featuring everything from demonically possessed furries dressed as sheep to giant, floating Zardoz heads. Such terrifying images could prevent you from ever having sex again.
4) Linda McMahon
Compared to some of the others on this list, Linda McMahon is rather moderate socially. She's pro-choice and generally supportive of gay rights. But McMahon was ruining our sex lives long before she decided to run for office. As the manager of the WWE with her husband Vince, McMahon delivered a trashy, objectifying spectacle right into our living rooms. Under her tenure, the WWE even paired up with slimy Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild series, producing videos that featured the requisite Girls as well as some ladies of wrestling. We're clearly not against porn, but we are against boring porn that takes advantage of drunk nineteen-year-olds. McMahon doesn't seem to mind as much.
5) Governor Rick Perry
When the Texas ban on sodomy was struck down by the Supreme Court in 2003, gay-rights advocates celebrated it as a watershed moment. (It was only a year later that same-sex marriage was legalized in Massachusetts.) Of course, not everyone agreed: the Texas Republican Party's 2010 platform explicitly states that they believe sodomy (of all sorts — sorry, straight guys into pegging or anyone into oral sex) should be illegal. And Texas Governor Rick Perry, up for reelection this year, called the sodomy ban "appropriate."
6) Senator Jim DeMint
Senator Jim DeMint is just thinking about the children here, folks. Who knows what could happen to impressionable elementary-school students in the hands of gay people or unmarried women who are sexually active? Let's ignore the wildly discriminatory anti-gay part for a moment and focus on the insane second bit. For one thing, it would be hilarious to see anyone try to implement such a policy. ("Now, Ms. McCormack, one last thing before the interview's over: have you engaged in sinful congress with your boyfriend?") For another, in a country that's facing an education crisis as it is, do you really want to be keeping any woman who's had premarital sex out of the classroom? How many teachers would that leave us with?