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September 17, 2010
April 25: The Descendents, "Pep Talk"
MP3: Pep Talk
Back at my normal desk job, I'm doing better until she IMs me "just to say hello." Who does that less than a week after breaking up with someone? She says she cares about me and wants to know how I'm doing, but however I'm doing, it's despite her! Fuck!
Is this how people do things? Am I being crazy here? When I get back to my parents' house, I feel myself teetering from relative equilibrium back towards total collapse. I'm rescued by my friend Josh, who pulls up, leans out the window of his car, and asks how I'm doing. I tell Josh that she just IM'd me to say hello. He looks dismayed, which is validating.
Doing the things I do all day felt ennobled because she was proud of me. Now it all seems pointless.
Josh invites me over to watch the ballgame, then sits with me for three hours as the Sox tank and I rant. He nods, stays calm, listens patiently. Aware how much I still care for her, he tells me she wasn't being malicious, just thoughtless. Mostly, though, he just listens, showing me calmly that I'm not going crazy. I feel better.
Really, there is no good advice to be given, and I think my friend must know this. The upbeat Descendents song we both like is comforting not because of its words: "It's not the end of the world... You're gonna be okay... You can find something better any day... You deserve the best." They're all clichés. The comfort is that someone cares enough to sing them.
April 28: Bob Dylan, "Boots of Spanish Leather"
MP3: Boots of Spanish Leather
The fight is going out of me. My grief and my anger are fading to dull hurt, resentment, and, still, a bit of love. The dumb little things I do all day felt ennobled because she was proud of me. Now it all seems kind of pointless. As I put the traditional box of letters, photos, mix CDs, and books ("DO NOT OPEN") into the basement, I can only muster a sigh.
Like Dylan's narrator, I tried my best to hold on (for verse after verse!) as she pulled back into merciless practicality. His departing lover asks if she can bring him anything from Spain; he replies that "there's nothing I'm wishing to be owning — just carry yourself back to me unspoiled, from across that lonesome ocean." She persists, "But I might be gone for a long old time..." He is hurt, "How can you ask me again? It only brings me sorrow — the same thing I want from you today, I'd want again tomorrow." Finally, he gets a letter that shows him she means it, and he gives up: "Yes, there is something you can send back to me — Spanish boots of Spanish leather." (The consolation prize.)
It is hard and sad to let go. Already so much of my tenderness has gone away — it was a painful thing to keep. But partly, it's a relief, and Dylan's gruff delivery makes it feel like a kind of heroism. Stepping out from the basement, I hit "repeat," and ascend back into the world.
Commentarium (28 Comments)
This was fantastic. Very raw. Breakups definitely suck, but it's a little easier to transcend with the right songs. I was especially pumped about "Pep Talk" being on this playlist.
Ugh, too bad I found this after I looked through/cried on every picture I have of me and my old partner. Good music, better writing. Thanks.
My woman told me that it'd be easy for me to get over her, women love me so I can just get ass easy and that she'd be torn up for months and wouldn't even do anything with her life. Of course I knew to begin with she already had another guy she fell for waiting on the other side for her.. Me on the other hand, I care enough about the passion in sex to want to wait for another relationship...
To the point though, listening to The xx while having really dirty sex is fun....
love, love this essay. sometimes the music is all you have to get you through.
I love, love, love breakup music. It's the only good thing about heartbreak.
music can both be a curse and a blessing...
when you had a break-up, you like the loud break-up songs to sympathize with you
and hate the giddy nice love songs that reminds you of what you lost.
best to have many songs of both in your ipod.
Excellent essay. It needs some Magnetic Fields though!
There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Pep Talk saved my life once. And if you've been done wrong by and feel like marinating in it for a while try Clean Sheets.
Wonderful. I'd like to contribute 'worst song to listen to immediately after a breakup' to the list: Bright Eyes' 'First Day Of My Life'.
... turns out I'm a bit of a masochist.
Thank you. That is all I can say.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd say you'd have to include Lauryn Hill's 'Ex-Factor' in this, but that's just me. Nice list.
I'm probably showing my age here, but I was always a big fan of the Eagles Greatest Hits - the one without Hotel California.
I willingly got into a relationship with a robot. He's leaving the country in December. I'm still with him but when I'm alone it already feels like it's over. Thank you for your tips on survival. I'll need it.
I think one needs to be in the throes of post-break up low self-esteem to wallow in the suddenly realized genius of Smiths' lyrics like "I know that I'm unloveable/you don't have to tell me/message received/loud and clear." So true! (pause here to sob briefly).
Other times, it's like, "Geez, cheer up, dude."
jill
in bed with married women
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
This was so hard for me to read... I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend for a few weeks now and had pretty much decided on it. They were all great songs but Dylan really got me. I'm in my computer lab crying now.
This was awesome. Great list of songs as well. Alkaline Trio is usually my go-to band for breakups.
When I went through a very hard break-up, Cat Power was constantly on rotation in my play list."Not What You Want" still brings me back to that time
Bob Dylan helped me get over my last heartbreak. I think I played "It Ain't Me Babe" a thousand times before I finally said, yeah, okay, I can be fine again.
great essay :)
That Dylan song is killing me.
I laughed reading this - not because I find breaking up amusing, but because I went through the exact same thought processes in my last break-up. The chocolate milk, the becoming a robot - word-for-word, I swear. The similarities are uncanny. Fantastic article, enjoyed reading immensely.
I like this article's writing more than the song choices - not that they were terrible. But far better breakup songs are out there. Three excellent examples from my last broken heart: 1) I'm Sorry I Love You by Magnetic Fields, 2) She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd, and 3) One More Minute by Weird Al Yancovic ("...I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you...")
Oh, and 4) If Love is a Red Dress by Maria McKee
As the guy above wrote
I just recently went through a brake up which i'm still hurting about. everything you wrote about was right on key. I spent 2 years of my life with this person who ended trading 2 years with me for another guy 2 weeks into the brake up. it's only been a month and few days since the brake up...they're about to make their first month. reading this reminded me how i told my parents, how i broke down and hated waking up. Oh god not to mention the thoughts of her sleeping with him. Worse of it all is when you know it's happening and you're seeing pictures of them laying in bed together.to think of the person who was basicly my wife. who was me and knew me better than anyone else in this world....is now being consumed by lust by some other guy....that really does fuck a person up mentally. People call her a hoe, and such things...what kills me is that she is letting her self seem like that. She plans on leaving to north carolina with her new bf. she gets money from her parents each week since now she's living with him....bothers me. She msg'ed me yesterday and like you i was in a wtf kind of shock. she told me how she was over it and hated how it ended and how in the end she jut wanted her best friend back......i told her what i felt and it seemed to hit a nerve....all she said was stop, we need to stop talking about this. all the sudden she says her bf got home and wants to spent time with him....killls, i'm being civil about the whole thing.....i asked her to let me back off and give me sometime and she flipped out saying how she wasn't goint to sit there and be dropped by the person she called best friend. she delted me, blocked my nnumber and everything. Everyone keeps telling me that she's going to regret everything...i see where her downfall will be....rushing into a relationship after 2 years....with a guy who has a reputation not so good at that. then moving to another state to start a life with him. she thinks life is so easy, she thinks she can get a job.....i fell in love with her not bc of what she had or even sex. she didn't even complete highschool. i moved into college and did everything i was suppose to so that we could start something. i was always there to help her, to guide her and depend on. without and education, moving and rushing.....it's a death. I know that if things do happen like that she'll come back to me and say she needs a friend.....but i'm hoping by then i'll be 100% over it where i don't feel anything and just push her away, haha...sorry went into a rant about my life. anyway, great story and list. know this made me that much happier knowing i wasn't the only know to feel like this.
FINALLY something for guys who has experienced a breakup. This is wonderful. The best thing that even though I went through a few "girl versions" of this essay (in a desperate attempt to find something that I can relate to) nothing was even remotely close to the depth of content and thought put into it like this one. This is brilliant. From the depth of my heart, and I have only read the first page, thank you.
Im only a teenager, but i was with this girl for a whole year. Within the first few months i had become very attached to her. I would kill anyone who harmed her. Literally, i dont mean id get mad, i mean whoever caused her any grief would get it back ten times worse. I loved her with every ounce of me, and she claimed she loved me back. We fought all the time over stupid shit, we probably broke up 4 times, but the longest we did was probably a day or 2. We couldnt live without eachother. We always got past things. We had planned on marriage and what we were going to do once we got out of highschool. Her parents...well mom loved me. Her dad was deployed in Jordan, so in a sense, i had to somewhat take a role as her boyfriend and her father. That may sound creepy but i helped her get through everything. Her and her mom always fought so i let her come stay at my place whenever she needed to. I made it obvious id do anything for her. Those random cute text messages, the cute little gifts, anything so she knew she was on my mind, and i was on hers. It seemed like the summer was the best thing that happened to us. During the school year we were always getting in trouble, me sneaking over to her house or bad grades because she was my focus during class and when i got home. I couldnt believe how in love i could be and how lucky i was to have someone love me back. Its the greatest feeling in the world. Id kill to get it back. But, back to the story. Theres this huge festival that goes on where i live called summerfest, and of course girls will be in their bootyshorts and what not, so i missed the single life a lot. Girls were actually coming up to me. So me and my girl got in little fight, but i made it much more than it really was. I told her we both needed a break, and how we should see one other person then get back together. Fucking backfired. Anyone reading this, realize what you have. Dont make the same idiotic mistakes i did just cause i made a permanent decision over the mood i was in. But of course she cried, she didnt want anyone but me. But i made it obvious i didnt feel the same. She finally stopped crying and quit talking to me for hmm..2 days? In those 2 days my man whore ass had already gotten with some bitch who wasnt even worth it. We ended kissing, the first day we hungout. I told one ofmy exs friends we kissed because i knew she would tell her we kissed, and i knew shed get jealous and come running back to me. She always did, it was a never ending cycle. But apparently she had gotten with some dude too. They hadnt hungout or anything but they were talking and flirting, and this kid was my idol. No homo, but he was the football legend of all of Washington. I always talked about him to my friends, and i made the mistake of telling my girl. She eventually stopped talking to him because hes not that great looking, so i talked to her about how we both saw one other person, and she didnt want me back. Which was weird cause she always took me back. So i decided to give her some more time, and she told my bestfriend about this new guy, and she knew he'd tell me, which he did of course. She said hes the most attractive guys shes ever laid eyes on, etc. They talked for a little bit, but the guy came to the conclusion he still loved his ex so they had to drop things. So i talked to her again and she still needed more time because she was so "devastated" i had kissed this other girl. Which is understandable considering the fact i'd kill anyone who even looked at her. She had told the girl i kissed she didnt love me anymore and how she was done, and of course the girl i kissed told me. I was so sad. I sat in bed cuddling with her picture for hours, til my family gave me an "intervention". It helped, but theres still a scar that no one can repair... She later said she'd change her mind and things would go back to normal and we'd love eachother again. Didnt happen. She started talking to a really fat ugly kid, cause his pictures on fb were somewhat cute. But she didnt see his whole body. But apparently he was really sweet to her, this that and the other. So she fell pretty hard for him, but i guess for some reason they quit talking and he was super sad. So she had talked to 3 dudes, i only talked to one. Let that be known has i continue the story. We had then gotten in a fight because she claimed i made her feel guilty. But we got over things, and she went back to the dude who left her for his ex. Let it also be known, instead of coming back to me and all the love in the world for her, she went back to the dude who has no love whatsoever for her, and she had only been with for a week..hmm lets see, a week, a year, no love, all the love imaginable..but, i couldnt argue. I didnt want to seem to desperate. She was always inviting me places with her and this new boy of hers. Wtf? So you can kiss and shit right in front of me? Fuck that. I knew she wanted to make me jealous, but i played along anyways. We went to the beach by my house, and. i saw her there, she looked so beautiful and happy without me... It kills seeing them happy without you. But i told her id fucking whoop the kid who was to show up any time now's, ass. She got scared and told him to go home, so i walked home because i was pissed. She then came up from behind me and hugged me. She told me she loved me and asked for a kiss. Of course i gave her one, i walked home serious but inside i was doing backflips 100 miles per hour. I got home expecting a text or something from her, but i didnt get one. So i text her all happy like we were a couple again, but she was very blunt about it. I asked if things were gonna workout, and she still told me no after kissing me and told me she loved me. So i cried like a fucking baby. All i wanted and needed was her love. But i could never get it. I guess she still needed more time. I text her goodmorning and goodnight everyday along with a cute i want you back song and never got any reply. I later talked to her bestfriend who was also my bestfriend on the whole situation, and i told her to tell my girl how i feel. She did, and went into explicit detail, god bless her for helping me. But she still wouldnt give me a second chance. All i want is her. My name is Juan Lomeli, and im asking everyone reading this a huge ass favor. Copy this and paste and share it on facebook, tumblr, twitter, do anything. Make it worldwide, call it help juan get his fucking girl back. I dont want the fame, i just want her to know how i feel. Make it so popular its all over newsfeed on facebook. And i know this is so long none of you will read this, and this isnt fucking fake. This is real fucking life. Once you share it, tell other people to share, make her know how much i love her. Tell your friends and they tell their friends and so on. PLEASE. SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I NEED HER BACK. I KNOW THERES NO WAY I CAN REPAY ANY OF YOU FOR SHARING THIS BUT GOD IM BEGGING, JUST DO IT. DO IT THEN TELL OTHER PEOPLE AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. ITLL TAKE 10 MINTUES AT THE MOST. PREFERABLLY PEOPLE IN WASHINGTON, SO ITS MORE LOCAL AND MORE LIKELY OF HER SEEING IT. SHIT, IF IT GOD AS BIG AS THE COUNTRY THATD BE GREAT TOO. BUT FUCKING PLEASE LET MY STORY BE KNOW. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. THANK YOU ALL WHO TRY TO MAKE MY STORY FAMOUS, i hope god has a good plan for you, considering your doing me such a huge favor.