Love & Sex

12 Hilarious Hookup Stories from People We Met in Bars

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The funniest anecdotes from Nerve's popular Talking to Strangers column.

Greg, 25, New York

Do you have any interesting hook up stories?
Yes! I got a BJ — a blowjob — fellatio — a female performed fellatio… on my phallus… in a construction site… last weekend.

Thank you for being specific!
In the cockpit of a bulldozer. On North 11th St., between Driggs and Roebling.

Yes. We need the exact address, in case anyone wants to find the construction site. Did you break in?
It was open! There was no door. We just walked in and I sat down. We made out for awhile.

Were you like, "Step into the cockpit of my bulldozer?"
No. It was her. She was very forward. She suggested I take her into the construction site. I was like, let's go into the bulldozer.

Do you intend to see this woman again?
Never.

How did you meet her?
At a bar. Forty-five minutes earlier.

So you met a girl in a bar, you took her home…
I did not take her home! I didn't want to take her home. I still don't. And that's why we went to the bulldozer.

 

Nicole, 29, Montreal

Has anyone done anything outrageous to get your attention?
Yeah, this one guy was a journalist from L.A., and he invited me backstage at a Thunderheist concert. He was like, "Hey girl, do you want to go backstage?" And I was like, "Sure." Soon enough, he was buying me drinks and flirting with me a lot. It impressed me.

Did that evening end as you would expect?
Pretty much, except we were making out, and then he suddenly pulled his hair off. He was bald — it was from alopecia. Later, he pulled his jacket off, and it looked like he took his arm off, too. He was missing an entire hand — he was disabled. So the night continued on, and it was fine, but I was a little surprised.

Did it bother you?
It kind of shocked me. I wished he had told me earlier. But I couldn't dispute the fact that I liked him, even with the fact that he had these differences.

Did it affect sex at all?
Surprisingly, no, not at all. I suppose he'd been working on his technique.

 

Sal, 36, New York

What's the most you've ever done to get laid?
When I was in high school, staying at my grandparents' place, a girl I met was staying at her grandparents' place. I snuck out of the old folks home where my grandparents were and walked five or six miles through the swamps of Florida to get to the old folks' home that she was staying at, snuck past security, and climbed through the window. Also, I drove three states out of my way on a road trip once to hook up with somebody for an hour. I only had an hour to say "Hey I'm in town!" and then "Do you want to have sex with me?"

And what made this person worth going three states out of your way?
It had been a few days.

 

Mike, 24, New York

You speak German. Have you ever used it in an intimate setting?
Sure, in Germany. I've had sex with someone who spoke German as their native language. Does that count?

Can you give us some tips on sexy stuff to say in German?
Well, if you watch German porn from the seventies or eighties — what's really funny is that German is this incredibly flat and formal language. It's very expressionless. And there's this one German porn movie where this older dude is getting jerked off by this famous porn star — well, she was famous in the seventies because she looked twelve even though she was eighteen. And she's like "Das ist ein tolles Gefühl für den Schwanz?" Meaning "Is that a good feeling?"And he's like "Ja. Fur mein Peni ist das optimal."

And what does that mean?
It's like "For my pee-pee, it is optimal."

You seem to have this porn memorized.
It really stuck with me.

Is there anything shorter and sexier that you can recommend that's not… creepy?
No, actually. Okay, I have a hookup story. Once in Paris, my friend and I took MDMA with his girlfriend and then we all had sex. And there was also a third dude around.

Did the trip get awkward after the drugs wore off?
Not at all. We were all like "That was really great!" Afterwards, my friend's girlfriend went to sleep and the rest of us walked around — jeez, that sounds so scummy — but we walked around and we went to Notre Dame, to the Sunday morning service.

So you had a foursome on ecstasy and then you went to church?
We didn't go to church, we went to a church. And then we went to McDonald's.

 

Robyn, 23, Montreal

What's the craziest thing someone has done to get with you?
One time, when I met somebody, they pretended that they were working in the part of the music store that they were not working in, and I pretended I was shopping for the thing I was not shopping for. Collectively, we decided to order something that I did not want. And then they asked me for my phone number,  "for the order." And I gave it to them, and we ended up dating for four years. That was very romantic.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
There have been some good threesome-on-the-dancefloor pickups… oh yeah! This one time, I convinced everyone to come over to my house to play strip dice, strictly so that we could turn it into a fun sex pile — and we totally did, and it was a really good idea. So it's good if you can bring games into the equation.

Did you say strip dice? You need to tell me how to play strip dice.
The rules are completely arbitrary. We were playing dice, but most of the rules ended up involving taking off your clothes. So — dice were rolled, and clothes were taken off. Sexiness ensued.

So the dice were just an excuse for everyone to get naked. Have you had any other game-related sex experiences?
Yeah. Strip poker, strip truth-or-dare … we played strip "guess that song" once, and that was fun.

 

Conor, 26, Montreal

Have you ever been offended in the bedroom?
I haven't ever been asked to do anything way over the line, but I've heard the best ever. My former roommate was asked by a girl if she could cut her arm, bleed on his dick, and then give him head. He was like, "You can cut your arm at home by yourself, and separately, you can give me head — but you can't do those things simultaneously. And you certainly can't cut your arm in my house!"

 

Angie, 23, Chicago

What would you say is your "type"?
Well, based on my personal history, "coked-out freak" is pretty accurate.

Are you aware of this before you start dating them?
I think I am subconsciously, but I just ignore it. I mean, the particular guy I'm thinking of — he never did it around me or anything. The thing is, I started wondering why I liked him so much, because I just loved kissing him — kissing him was just electric. Like, he would kiss me and I'd be thinking, "Holy shit! This is like magic." And I found out later that he had been rubbing coke on his gums, and we'd make out right after and it'd be all over his mouth so… is that even possible? A second-hand coke buzz from making out? Maybe he really was just an awesome kisser.

You seem pretty unfazed by all this. 
He was a musician.

Lewiston, 29, New York

Do you have any crazy sex stories?
Well, one time when I was younger, I ended up at this hotel with a woman, and we're about to have sex. But I don't have a condom. So being the young resourceful kid I am, I go and… now what does every hotel room have? A shower cap and body lotion!

Oh my God, what did that feel like?
It's not so much what it felt like. More what it sounded like.

 

Chad, 22, New York

Have you ever been offended in the bedroom?
When I first started having sex, I was younger, so I deepened my voice so it was more like, "Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh." And this girl was like, in the middle of it, she's moaning herself and I'm like, "Urgh." And she's like, "Will you stop? You sound like you're an idiot." And I'm like, "[long pause] All right."

 

Charise, 38, Portland

Do you have any good hookup stories?
I was at an event, and I had a bit too much to drink, and I decided to put my gorilla suit on.

You have a gorilla suit?
Yeah! I took all of my clothes off, even my underwear, and I put my gorilla suit on and put my sneakers on and started walking by myself. Then I decided to go swimming. There was this guy walking behind me, and I was really hot in the gorilla suit, so I took it off and put it on the side of the path, and we swam naked. Afterward, I couldn't find my shoes, so I was walking on this gravel path barefoot, but I found my gorilla suit, put it on, walked back to his van, and had sex with him. In the morning, I did the walk of shame in a gorilla suit. 

You did the walk of shame in a gorilla suit?
Yes. 

Did anyone see you?
Oh yeah. Dogs chased me. 

 

Dev, 31, Montreal

Have you ever offended anyone in the bedroom?
Yes, I have. There are certain things in foreplay, the teasing and the games, where you figure out what the person is into. And, um… I kind of enjoy peeing on people. And I had a feeling that this guy was into it, because he led me to believe… I was showing him that this was the direction I wanted to go in. But when I started peeing on him, he freaked out. He was screaming "Oh my God, what did you do? That's nasty!" And I said, "I thought you wanted it," and he was like, "Who would want that?" I honestly thought he was into it, but I guess I misread him.

Did you say, "I want to pee on you" at any point?
No, I didn't say that. But to me, it's all about body movement, the dance we do. I thought he was going to pick up on that, but I guess not.

What happened after that?
He got dressed and hid in the bathroom for ten minutes. I guess he was Lysoling himself. Once he got out, he left. Never came back. Never saw him again.

Has that ever happened with anyone else?
No!

 

L. Diablo, 32, Montreal

What is the most unusual place you've had sex?
A trapeze net.

Were you having sex with a circus performer?
Yes.

 

Interviews and photography by Jaime Calder, Nico Dahl, Jana van Geest, Sean McGurn, Meghan Pleticha, and Joe Streckert. Read more Talking to Strangers here. Want to talk to strangers in your town? Email submissions@nerve.com.