What do you do?
I'm a weapons specialist in the military and I work for the Department of Education.
Which is scarier?
Honestly, the Department of Ed. I'm going to be deployed to Afghanistan in a few months. But people don't pay their student loans.
What do you do for the Department of Ed?
I'm just going to leave it general.
That sounds a little menacing. Are guys intimidated by the military thing?
Yeah. Honestly, I have to prove to them that I'm a self-conscious mofo, just so they don't feel inadequate.
Tell us about your last hookup.
[Smiles.] A terrific guy. He's divorced, two kids, very talented, very successful. I'm getting deployed, so it is what it is. I like older guys. They know what they want!
What do they want?
A woman who knows what she wants! Who is independent, who has everything she needs so that she doesn't go to each guy, saying, "Fulfill my life!" I want someone who can communicate, respect me, and be honest. He talks with me, he knows what he wants. He's amazing.
What's his occupation? In general terms?
Have you always lived in Dallas?
Just moved here. Used to live in Denton [a college town an hour away].
Tell us about the costume.
It's a full-body lycra suit. I'm Catwoman. She's a burglar. She has shit to do.
I've been reading comics since I was fucking seven years old.
What's the occasion?
[Points across the street.] Halloween party here in Deep Ellum, hosted by a 4chan guy. Two other women have Catwoman. Fuck those bitches.
So Dallas is cooler than Fort Worth [the second largest city in the metropolitan area]?
Fuck Fort Worth. It's all country. It's just one genre, whereas Dallas is multicultural and has many people to appeal to. I dated someone in Fort Worth. He stalked me. He left lilies at my mother's house in the middle of the night. I wasn't even there. Uptown Dallas has really boosie people, but yeah, Deep Ellum is more down-to-earth rock people who are open-minded.
Deep Ellum has Trees, where Nirvana played an infamous, mythical show. It has the Curtain Club and other places. But just a mile or two from here, 50 years ago this month, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. I'm asking everyone this about Dallas: Who did it?
Guess we'll just have to wait to find out in 2017 [the due date for all government files on the assassination to be released—except ones the President determines are "justifiably closed"]. But Oliver Stone was pretty spot on [the filmmaker accused a government conspiracy of killing JFK to protect military-industrial profits].
We need to talk about sex. Where's the craziest place you've had sex?
A McDonald's playpen. After hours, 11 p.m., no kids around. I was 18. And a virgin. I gave him a blowjob. It didn't take me long.
Did he get you off too?
Yeah, he got me off. A good person.
A true Happy Meal.
Then there was the guy who traveled all the way, four hours, to see me while I was doing military stuff. He had tinted windows, so we fucked in the parking lot of a Chinese buffet.
"All You Can Eat."
There was a family standing three feet away. They couldn't see a thing.
The amazing divorced guy—is he going to see the costume?
He designed it.
We're both into comics. I saw him before going out tonight, and he was like, Holy shit. We didn't do anything. His kids were there; I'm discreet. So he has to deal with the tension.
Yeah, that's hot.
I can take some; I'm a big pain tolerance kind of person. He's so good. I've never screamed so much in my life.
What do you do?
I'm a part-time dancer and part-time landscaper.
When did you start dancing?
August 20, 2012.
You remember the day?
Yeah. It was a very significant week.
I was about to move from my mother's house so I could start my own life. I wasn't able to find a job. Two weeks before I was supposed to move, I totaled my car. So after the insurance was settled, I moved into the apartment on Friday, August 17, and then on Saturday, I bought a brand-new car. I felt so screwed. Sunday I went to try out for an amateur strip contest. And won. So I started dancing that Monday.
Do you like it?
Not as much as I used to. At first, it felt exciting. Thought I was actually getting my first adventure in starting my life and doing something unexpected of me.
Thinking of moving on?
[Pause.] Not moving on, but taking a step back. I just had a job interview for landscaping. My plan is to do land surveying full-time, landscaping for my other job part time, and dance a couple of times a month. I want to keep dancing because I have a passion for it, but I don't want it to be a financial priority.
Do dancers get a ton of dates?
You could call it dates.
Tell us about your most recent.
It's been a while. Let's see. My most recent happened kind of by accident. I went to the bar to see what was going on. Ran into a guy I knew. We started talking, and after his friends went home, he followed me home.
What clinched the deal?
He and I were flirting, and I of course was teasing. But his friend was getting a little too friendly while I was trying to use the urinal. So I told the guy I was flirting with that his friend was getting a little too frisky in the restroom. He said, Don't mind him, he's just drunk and wants to get laid. I said, I had my eyes set on someone else. Hinting with my body language that it was him.
What was your body language?
Kind of, swooping—getting close and swooping over him. That's what I call it, swooping. You know, more like, when you kind of, you know, get a little close.
He followed you home, and then what?
We didn't go instantly into it. We relaxed, smoked cigs, lay in bed looking up and talking. Then we look at each other, mouths connect, and shit starts flying.
So that was a good night?
Yes. Started on the bed, ended on the patio.
A gay hookup might not be what people associate with conservative Texas.
Dallas is not like the rest of Texas. Dallas has a little bit different vibe to it. For the most part, Texas is very conservative, very Christian-based. But you'd be surprised how many families don't agree with homosexuality but support their [gay] kids and love them and don't care. I guess we have more of a family, more of a Southern … Texas, it's easier for the kids to get out and support themselves, because the cost of living is lower than in California or New York. So it's easier to find your way. The Texas economy seems to be doing okay. New apartments, new highways being built everywhere I look. So they need workers.
Have you found the freedom you need in Texas?
See, I'm a small town person originally. To fit in, I have to go to the cities. Small towns are filled with what I call small-minded people. At least my hometown was. So, we are limited, and we feel the need to join the rest of our ranks. In this gayborhood, Oak Lawn, I'm safe. Outside, you have to question it.
I'm asking everyone this about Dallas. Three or four miles away, JFK was assassinated, 50 years ago this month. Who did it?
I don't know, I don't know! All I know is that he got shot.
Shifting gears… Where's the craziest place you've had sex?
On my patio where everyone could see. It faces the other complex, with all the windows pointed straight at us.
Exhibitionism, like dancing. Tell us about hookups and dancing.
Most dancers find work outside; they make arrangements at the bar and meet up outside. Managers don't care what you do outside. But for me, prostitution is not an option.
It's against who I am and my morals. When my mother found out I was dancing, she was very worried, so I promised her I'd never do anything outside my bounds. I came here to try new experiences. But when people become dancers, in the long run, they lose who they are. So I try hard every day not to lose who I am. I don't let this job dictate my decisions or distract me from my goals. Most dancers get into drugs, prostitution, and live disappointing lives. The ones who get out get better lives, and those who don't—rot. For me, this is a pit stop. Hell if I know what the new destination is.
What do you do?
I am the chef at The Cedars Social.
So you must be able to cook for the ladies.
Of course. It's my favorite part of my job. Until four months ago.
What happened four months ago?
I met my future wife and just fell in love, crazy. I'm not the fall-in-love type. So all my friends are like, What the hell? But I met my soulmate.
Tell us about cooking for ladies when you were single.
I was the sous-chef at a high-profile restaurant here in Dallas, The Screen Door. My first experience with the foodgasm was this chick who ate my food, dude, and she got up out of her chair—there was a wet spot on the chair. No bullshit. It was a shocker and…
Wait a minute. What did you cook for her?
She had our fried chicken with collard greens and mac and cheese. It was a 24-hour marinated chicken. Grandma's recipe, pretty much.
This was at the restaurant?
But normally you're in the back, so how did you see the wet spot?
I came to talk with the table. She was flirting with me, I was flirting with her. It was a group of women at the table. From El Salvador. She asked me if I was single. At the time, I was. She ate my food, and then I'm driving her 2005 Jaguar to her house in Highland Park [an enclave of Dallas where, on average, homes sell for more than a million and half dollars]. I got lucky—it was one of those recent divorce things. She had kids, not like I was planning on sticking around or anything.
This spot on the chair, did you confirm it with her afterward, or what—
No, dude! She told me at the table!
What did she say?
She's like, 'Do you know I had an orgasm before I even saw you? Your food was that good. When I get up, you'll see what I'm talking about.' And there's a spot on the $1500 chair.
Okay, wow! Now, have you always lived in Dallas?
The last ten years. I'm from New Orleans originally. Also lived in Mississippi.
Tell us about what dating is like in Dallas versus New Orleans.
The women here tend to be a little more pretentious.
It is what it is. The women in New Orleans are bred different. They're more housewife-ready. In Dallas, they just want to shop. It's all about materialistic stuff.
Tell us about your last hookup. Before you met your future wife.
I came out, talked to a table, and a woman told me, "I haven't had sex in a really long time, and I want you." And I said okay.
Hold on. Is this a common thing at high-end restaurants?
[Nodding vigorously.] Yes.
All right. Where's the craziest place you've had sex?
In a Pappadeaux parking lot in Richardson [an affluent suburb of Dallas]. Which was stupid.
Cops are horrible out there, dude.
I'm asking everybody: This month, it's been 50 years since the JFK assassination, about three miles from here. Who did it?
The government. I watch a lot of documentaries. Bobby Kennedy considered Martin Luther King Jr. as a possible running mate for his presidential campaign. That was the Kennedys.
Pretty self-explanatory at that point.
Tell us more about talking with women at high-end restaurants, and them going home with you.
A lot of chefs do not leave the kitchen. I learned long ago that when a chef hits the table, it changes the patron's whole experience. Can be for a man or a woman, of course. They get to see the personality of who's cooking for them.
It sounds like cooking is an in-love-with-life thing for you, living to the fullest.
Yeah. If I wasn't cooking, I wouldn't be happy. I did IT for a while, but I hated it. Hated every minute of it. I'm a fourth-generation cook, a chef now. It's been in my blood forever.
What technique or ingredient—what's the commonality between how you cook and how you went out at night when you were single?
Seafood, definitely. Lobster, oysters, gumbo. Getting at those aphrodisiacs in food. Eat a lot of oysters. And avoid whiskey dick.
What's your one tip for cooking for sex?
Best thing I can tell people is, find out what she likes to eat and work your whole menu around that. And put some oysters in there somewhere. Don't leave out the desserts, the sweets. You get a lot of pussy from red pudding. I make a moonshine syrup for red pudding. It's moonshine, cream, and love.